.           all rights belong to Tanis Harms –
.             refer to

CHURCHLAND  – written by Tanis Harms
TOPIC:        worshipping, learning, fellowship
SCRIPTURE:    Acts 2:42-47, Eph.4:11-16, Heb.10:23-25
Style:        satire/conversation:  a church greeter
.             shows a new family around the “theme-park”
.             of a church, only to convince the family
.             that this is not the church for them
Cast:         GREETER, MOM, DAD, CHILDREN 1-2
Set & Props:  pamphlets, 4 Bibles


(DAD, MOM, CHILD 1 & 2, all carrying Bibles, enter and
stand for a few seconds, unsure of where they should go,
until GREETER jumps out and holds out a pamphlet to DAD.)

G   Hi!  And welcome to Churchland!  Have you ever
.   been here before?

D   No-but-

G   Then let me show you around.

D   (unsure)  Do we have time?  Isn’t there a service
.   starting soon?  Or Sunday School classes to get to?

G   Oooo!  “School” – “Classes” – we avoid using
.   any such words.

D   (looks at pamphlet)  Is this the schedule of
.   all starting times?

G   Oh no, that’s just a map and a list of all venues.
.   Even references to such things as “starting time”
.   or “schedule” is taboo.  No, people don’t like that.
.   Everything that we’ve got going on here –
.   is a come-and-go as you want.  And once you’ve
.   seen what we have – you’ll never want to leave.

D   But – isn’t the idea of church - to get equipped –
.   so we can go out into the world and spread the word?

G   Spread the word about coming to Churchland – exactly!

(GREETER pulls DAD aside.)                              2

G   Why?  Do you have some ideas on how to advertise?
.   We’re always looking for more and better ideas.

D   No-I mean-

(Hearing the word “no,” GREETER quickly pulls DAD
over a few more steps and motions for the REST to follow
in order to continue the orientation.)

G   Alrighty then, let me show you around.
.   Once you see everything that WE offer YOU –
.   you’ll be so excited – you’ll never want to go
.   anywhere else.  WE offer an experience-

D   But – don’t you also want people to SERVE?

G   Shhhhh, that is
the WORST word of them all.
.   Who wants to serve?  That’s like – work.
.   This is like - all about having fun.

D   What about learning?

G   Churchland’s theme is all based on - Bible... stuff.
.   (motions to one area)  There we have the Kiddie-Zone!
.   (to littlest Child 1)  You can take a ride through
.   Noah’s ark and see all the animal statues.
.   Little kids ALWAYS love animals.  And GAMES –
.   like “Find the Lost Sheep” game.  HOURS of fun!
.   (to older Child 2)  For the older kids – mystery!
.   Try to solve the deciphered writings on the wall.
.   And danger!  Try to survive the lion’s den.  Grrr.  

(GREETER pretends to pounce toward the older child,
who steps back, unsure.)

G   And thrill rides.  Hours of amusement!

(GREETER steps back and nods to DAD and MOM.)

G   And for the adults, hours of entertainment –
.   only the finest concerts, dinner theaters-

D   What about the Bible?

G   Ah, I’m so glad you reminded me of that.  Sorry.
.                                                       3
(DAD sighs a bit, with renewed hope, until-)

G   (motioning behind)  We have coat rooms with lockers
.   available – so you can safely stow any unwanted
.   items.  That way, you don’t have to be encumbered
.   or have to drag items like that around with you.
.   Ha!  Leave the juggling to the clowns.  Seriously,
.   we have clowns - in the circus tent.

D   What has the circus to do with - church?

G   Acts of astonishing feats!?  There’s a time
.   to laugh, and be happy, and a time to be amused...

D   No, I mean, when is it TIME to study the Bible?

G   Study the Bible?  Ah, well, (pointing somewhere)
.   there’s a ride that tosses back and forth.
.   I’m pretty sure it was originally inspired
.   from some sort of - Bible–thingy.

D   Verse?!  Bible verse?!

G   Yeah, that’s it.

D   What holds this all together?

G   Ahhhh, nuts and bolts, mostly.

D   What is the purpose?

G   Fun?

D   What do you learn?

G   How to – have fun, find amusement and be entertained.
.   All in a wholesome family-friendly venue.

D   What about - being bonded together in God’s love?
.   And the teaching of God’s word?  And...
.   spending time worshiping and praising our Savior?

G   Oh, you probably want that church down the road then.
.   It’s not often we lose people to THAT church.

(FAMILY exits.)