.          all rights belong to Tanis Harms, © 2015
.            refer to

Who Done It? Who Did In Wubby? - written by Tanis Harms

PREMISE:     During Trish’s sixteenth birthday party,
.            her stuffed rabbit is discovered...
.            demolished.  It becomes Sheldon’s job
.            to help figure out who did the deed.
STYLE:       comedy/who-done-it mystery
TOPIC:       lying leads to hurt, guilt and distrust
SCRIPTURE:   Ex.20:16, Rom.3:5-8, 1Cor.13:6

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(MS. PEPPER enters, leading the way into the family room
which is decorated for a girl’s birthday party.
ALL TEENAGERS follow behind her.  On top of the
coffee table which is at lower center stage,
is a blanket, which is obviously covering up something.)

MS. PEPPER   All right, children, follow me.

QUINTON      Children?  We’re almost adults, here.

(RUSS makes the roar of an aircraft as he “flies”
a toy airplane through the air.)

JIMMY        Well, some are closer than others.
.            (to RUSS)  Chill, dude.

RUSS         Check it out!  Found this in my treat bag.

MS. PEPPER   So next on our schedule – is game time.

GALE         (to TRISH)  You’re so lucky to have
.            a party planner organize your birthday bash.

TRISH        Only because Mom and Dad could not make it.

GALE         Still!  A party planner!

ANNETTE      Who is not that good, by the way.
.            (catching TRISH’S gasp)
.            Sorry, I’m just saying.
.                                                       2
KATIE        You never say things like that.
.            Why would you say something like that?

ANNETTE      Well, it’s the truth.

KATIE        If the truth hurts - keep it to yourself!

(MS. PEPPER claps for everyone’s attention and attempts
to become even more perky to grab and hold everyone’s
interest and attention.)

MS. PEPPER   This first game will be a lot of fun.
.            I promise you.  So everybody, if you could
.            stand in a line, right over there –
.            behind the coffee table.  Awesome...
.            Now this game is called “what lies beneath.”
.            There are various items beneath
.            this blanket, 40 items to be exact.
.            I will remove the blanket for 3 minutes
.            only; then you will try to remember
.            and write down as many of the items
.            as you can.

QUINTON      (muttering)  This is so lame, dude.

(ANNETTE agrees with a roll of her eyes.)

TERRI        Whatever, it’s a game, and I’m out to win.

EMMA         Oh really, do you really think you have
.            an upper hand somehow?

TERRI        No upper hand, unless being smart and
.            competitive counts.

MS. PEPPER   Now, that’s the spirit I like to see.

(SHELDON looks around and raises his hand.)

SHELDON      Ah, we need some paper and pens.

MS. PEPPER   Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, dear.
.            I won’t allow any opportunity for cheating.

(MR. PEPPER suddenly becomes very dramatic and cryptic.)

MS. PEPPER   The first thing that I’m going to do is –
.            reveal... “What lies beneath!”

(MS. PEPPER begins to pick up the blanket, but seeing    3
what is actually there causes her to scream hysterically.
She quickly drops the blanket back down and begins to
shake her hands in an effort to think what to do next.
MS. PEPPER continues to whine and tremble,
while the KIDS wonder if this is part of the game.)

COLIN        Cool, I was not expecting a game of horror.

QUINTON      Finally, this party is picking up.

JIMMY        It was getting pretty lame.

KATIE        Hey, not cool to say that!

COLIN        (eagerly)  So when can we look?

MS. PEPPER   Uh, well, uh, it’s not, exactly,
.            what I mean is - that – THAT is certainly
.            not what I put there!  Really-truly not.

TRISH        Is it really that scary?

MS. PEPPER   (in shock)  It all – depends – I suppose.

COLIN        Nothing can scare me.
.            Just let us see it, already.

MS. PEPPER   No!  No, I do not want anybody –
.            having nightmares because of this.

COLIN        Could you at least describe it?

MS. PEPPER   I suppose.  Yes, I suppose I must.
.            Ah, it – it was – furry.  And – and pink.
.            Yes, it definitely was pink.

TRISH        (quietly)  PINK and furry?

(TRISH has an idea of what it might be and begins
to panic, while best friend KATIE also understands.)

KATIE        It – did not have - long ears, did it?

(MS. PEPPER nods, trying to hold back her tears.)

TRISH        (going into quiet shock)
.            Wubby?  What is wrong with Wubby?

MS. PEPPER   It – was – it is – it’s in two pieces.
.                                                       4
TRISH        (gasps)  No!  NO!  It can’t be!
.            Maybe it WAS NOT Wubby.

EMMA         That’s right.  Maybe it was a different
.            stuffed toy.

TODD         Doubtful.  Trish only has one pink toy-

(TERRI madly shakes her head at TODD not to finish
his sentence.)

TRISH        You know better!  Wubby is NOT a toy!

COLIN        Awesome!  So can we see it now?

KATIE        (to COLIN)  Have you no compassion?

COLIN        Well, somebody needs to I.D. it.
.            You know, just to make sure.

(SHELDON steps forward feigning great authority.)

SHELDON      He’s right.  Someone needs to identify
.            the victim.

(COLIN steps forward to do it, but SHELDON holds him back
then looks around.)

SHELDON      It really should be a family member.

TODD         I’ll do it.

TERRI        I can do it.

TODD         It’s okay, I’ve got it.

TERRI        I don’t quite trust you.

TODD         Why, because I’m the brother?-

SHELDON      BOTH of you could check.

(TERRI and TODD both lift up the blanket to peek beneath
then put it back down solemnly.)

TODD         It’s Wubby, all right.

TRISH        No!  No!  No, it can’t be.  Noooo!
.            It just can’t be.
.                                                       5
TERRI        There’s no denying the faint markings
.            of that mustache Todd drew on it
.            last year.

TODD         (to TERRI)  That was your idea!

TERRI        You did not have to use a permanent marker!

(TRISH breaks down sobbing, and TERRI rolls her eyes,
but tries to console her with practical words.)

TERRI        Trish, it’s just – it’s – well, you know,
.            it’s all over, I’m afraid.

TRISH        How will I go on?  How will I ever go on?

KATIE        I’ll buy you a new Wubby.

TRISH        It would not be the same.

KATIE        Maybe it could be fixed?

(KATIE and TRISH look hopefully toward TOOD and TERRI
who slowly shake their heads.)

TRISH        I – I-I must see for myself.

KATIE        Are you sure?

TRISH        I need closure.

(TRISH slowly takes a peek underneath the blanket.
Putting the blanket back down, she takes a step backwards
and puts a horrified hand to her mouth, looking faint.
ANNETTE snickers and stops it quickly as KATIE leers
at her.  ANNETTE quickly turns it into a fake cry
to hide the rest of her laughter.)

ANNETTE      It’s just so sad.  So very sad.

(TRISH finds a new resolve through a sudden rush
of anger.)

TRISH        I need to know who would do such a thing!
.            Well?  Who did this?  Who did in Wubby?
.            I need a confession.  I need to know now!

SHELDON      (very business-like)  I’ve got this.

TODD         Watcha doing Sheldon?                      6

TERRI        Do you know who done it?

SHELDON      No, I mean, I can help figure this out.
.            I can take it from here.

GALE         But Ms. Pepper is the party planner.
.            Should she not be in charge?

(EVERYONE looks around for MS. PEPPER, who has been
reduced to a curled up little ball on the floor,
muttering to herself.)

MS. PEPPER   This-this no longer is a party.  This has –
.            become - something else, something –
.            entirely different.

SHELDON      Like I said, I’ve got this.
.            I watch all the detective shows on TV.
.            First, we need a lockdown.

TODD         A lockdown?

SHELDON      No one leaves this party until
.            we figure out who did in Wubby.
.            (to TODD)  Could you make sure
.            that all doors are secured?

TODD         Sure?  (calling out)  Mr. Douglas!

SHELDON      Who are you calling?

TODD         Our butler.

SHELDON      Did you say – butler?

GALE         You have a butler?  I thought
.            that was your dad.

(BUTLER appears and stands at attention.)

TODD         Mr. Douglas, we need to have all the doors
.            locked, so no one can come in or out.

BUTLER       But-

QUINTON      No buts- Mr. Butler – a crime
.            has taken place.

BUTLER       But, of course.                            7

(BUTLER nods curtly and exits.)

SHELDON      Huh, and he didn’t even balk at the word
.            “crime.”  I must put him at the top
.            of my list of suspects.  Which brings me
.            to the next step.

TODD         Which is?

SHELDON      The second step:  I will need that
.            pen and paper now.

EMMA         (to MS. PEPPER)  Paper and pen?

(MS. PEPPER points weakly to a side table.
EMMA rushes a pad of paper and a pen over to SHELDON.
This can contain the script from this point on
to help SHELDON, except for the very ending.)

SHELDON      You seem very eager to help, Emma.
.            Do you maybe have something to hide?

EMMA         No.  I just want the culprit caught so I can
.            get home in time to watch - “Glad Times.”
.            I’ve never missed an episode, and I don’t
.            intend to start now.

SHELDON      You don’t DVR something that important?

EMMA         Seems I’m not as smart as you.

SHELDON      Now you’re flattering me.  You’re on
.            the list.  (speaks to ALL)  Which brings me
.            to the third thing:  I will have to question
.            each and every one of you - privately.

EMMA         You suspect all of us?

SHELDON      I do not know yet.  And there is the chance,
.            that one of you unwittingly witnessed
.            something that could help this case.

KATIE        Shouldn’t we – get rid of the body first?
.            It’s a little disconcerting.

SHELDON      It’s evidence.  (TRISH sobs)
.            Alright!  Someone!  Could someone
.            please get me some masking tape.
.                                                       8
EMMA         (looks quickly to MS.PEPPER)  Masking tape?

(MS. PEPPER points to the side table again, and
EMMA brings SHELDON the tape.  SHELDON carefully moves
the blanket off and forward, so the blanket hides
the bunny pieces.  SHELDON quickly pretends to put tape
around the bunny pieces.  This should already be there.
While SHELDON is busy with this, COLIN watches.)

SHELDON      The way the body pieces have been
.            carefully laid out shows that perhaps the
.            crime was committed by someone who cared.

COLIN        Whoa!  Serious carnage!  Someone really
.            beat the stuffing out of Wubby!  I mean,
.            this thing was really slaughtered!

SHELDON      Or not!

KATIE        Again, Colin, have you no compassion?

COLIN        I have not seen such a massacre since
.            all my baby sister’s Barbies fell apart.

EMMA         That’s horrible.

COLIN        Limbs were everywhere.

TRISH        Please stop.

COLIN        We didn’t know which arm belonged
.            to which Barbie.

RUSS         Does it really make a difference?

GALE         You have no idea!  If you mixed
.            the tanned parts of Beach Barbie with
.            the alabaster parts of Princess Barbie,
.            it would be a fashion nightmare!

(SHELDON finishes by setting the pink pieces of fur
on the blanket and wrapping it up like in a body bag.)

SHELDON      Do you have a safe place to store the body?

TODD         I can take care of it.

TERRI        I can do it.

SHELDON      (suddenly suspicious)  Wait!  You are      9
.            both family members.  You’re actually
.            both at the top of the suspect list.

TERRI        What?!  I am innocent!

TODD         I thought you said the butler was
.            at the top of your suspect list?

SHELDON      I just now remembered, family members
.            always need to be ruled out first.
.            (motions to body)  Who else would have
.            the best opportunity to do this?

TERRI        Seriously.

SHELDON      (motioning to body bag)  Now, who could
.            we trust to take care of this properly?

TERRI        Mrs. Fellini could.

SHELDON      And who is that?

TERRI        The cook.

GALE         You have a cook?!

TODD         (calling out)  Mrs. Fellini!  We need you
.            in here.

(COOK enters.)

COOK         It’s’a now’a time’a for a snack?

TERRI        (points to the body bag)
.            Mrs. Fellini, could you please put
.            this somewhere safe?

COOK         But’a what is’a this?

TERRI        Trish’s Wubby.  It has met a tragic demise.

TODD         Just put it somewhere safe.

(COOK grabs the blanket with a curt nod and exits,
like she has gone out of her way to do something
that isn’t even her job.)

SHELDON      She did not seem terribly upset or surprised.
.            Maybe she does know something.
.                                                      10
SHELDON      (makes a note, then looks at TODD and TERRI)
.            Is there anybody else I should know about?

TERRI        Oh, there is Mr. Stellar, our chauffeur.

GALE         You have a chauffeur?

TRISH        Who cares!  Do you only care about things?
.            Wubby was my best friend in the whole world.
.            Wubby went everywhere with me.  Everywhere!
.            Wubby - has always been there for me.
.            And now Wubby is gone from my life.
.            Forever!

(ANNETTE laughs again and tries to make it sound like
a cry.)

TRISH        How could you laugh at a time like this?
.            He’s gone, I tell you.  Do you even know?
.            I’ve had him ever since I was a baby.
.            And he’s always been there for me, and now,
.            I don’t know what I will do without him.
.            We were going to see the world together –
.            we were going to go to college together -

(SHELDON walks down the line of KIDS and studies them,
stopping when he comes to ANNETTE who still struggles
to disguise her giggle-fit.)

SHELDON      I can see that all of you are suspects.

KATIE        What?

(SHELDON moves on to KATIE, who has remained by TRISH’S
side the entire time as the supportive friend.)

SHELDON      Yes, even you, Katie.

(SHELDON sweeps the room with his eyes.)

SHELDON      I’m now going to ask all of you
.            to leave this room.  I will interrogate
.            each one of you separately until
.            we get to the bottom of this.
.            Unless, the perpetrator would like
.            to step forward right now and confess...
.            (waits a moment)  No?  Okay, everyone out.
.            I will call into the room, the first suspect
.            and-or witness – Ms. Pepper.
.                                                   11
(EVERYONE exits, except for TRISH.  EMMA stops to help
MS. PEPPER stand up and bring her forward while
SHELDON adjusts the two chairs at the front of the room
to face each other, but really they face more toward
audience.  EMMA exits after helping MS. PEPPER to the chair.
SHELDON looks over at TRISH who sits down on the sofa.)

SHELDON      (to TRISH)  Are you sure that
.            you want to stay for this?

TRISH        I-I think so

SHELDON      I don’t know if you can handle this.
.            I ain’t going to lie, this won’t be easy.

TRISH        I must be brave.

(SHELDON’S attention snaps to MS. PEPPER.  Sitting down,
SHELDON takes a moment to study her.)

SHELDON      Ms. Pepper, perhaps you had something
.            to gain from this debacle.

MS. PEPPER   What?  What are talking about?  Never!
.            Why would I ever do such a thing?

SHELDON      You protest too much.  You had access.
.            You had opportunity. Perhaps you had motive.

MS. PEPPER   I am a party planner.  My success depends
.            on the success of each party.  Nothing can
.            go wrong or my reputation is ruined.

SHELDON      Perhaps it is already ruined.

MS. PEPPER   What?  What are you talking about?

SHELDON      I heard about the incident at
.            Larry Robinsons’ paintballing party.

(MS. PEPPER gasps, and SHELDON continues.)

SHELDON      That’s right.  I heard how the birthday boy
.            got it right in the eyes. One red, one blue!
.            Did not wash off for days.

MS. PEPPER   I had nothing to do with that.  Naturally
.            I would never PLAN for something like that
.            to happen.
.                                                      12
SHELDON      And at Randy Wilson’s party,
.            you arranged to serve
.            peanut brittle Frisbees, which
.            caused allergic reactions to half the kids-
.            and missing teeth for at least two others.

MS. PEPPER   That was an accident.  A very bad accident!

SHELDON      But your reputation has been tarnished.

(MS. PEPPER sobs briefly into her hands.)

SHELDON      So now – you sabotage THIS party-

MS. PEPPER   (looks up)  What reason would I have?

SHELDON      Because you want to break into the
.            Murder Mystery party scene.

MS. PEPPER   (very lightly)  Oh, now there’s an idea.
.            Why didn’t I think of that?  (serious again)
.            But I didn’t - I did not do this.

SHELDON      Why should I believe you?  Wubby’s body
.            was found under the game that you yourself
.            prepared just before the party began.

MS. PEPPER   That I can NOT explain.  I have no idea
.            how that even got there.

SHELDON      Then let us go through all your steps,
.            shall we?  Beginning with your arrival
.            to this house.

MS. PEPPER   Well, I entered the house.
.            Met with the cook, to get a progress report
.            on the food preparations.

SHELDON      How did she seem to you?
MS. PEPPER   The cook?  She seemed, well,
.            rather perturbed that I would even
.            bother her.  Her cooking and her kitchen
.            is her kingdom, as I was so abruptly told.

SHELDON      So she was abrupt?

MS. PEPPER   And busy... she was busy chopping things.

SHELDON      (writing)  “busy chopping things”         13
.            (looking up)  Could you see WHAT
.            she was chopping?

MS. PEPPER   I did not pay too close attention to that.
.            I had other things to do.  I had to set up
.            the games.

SHELDON      As in – this game right here?

MS. PEPPER   That’s right.  I set it up, putting –
.            all those little items on the coffee table-
.            40 items to be exact.  NOT 41.  Or –
.            I suppose it really was 42 as it was-

(TRISH whimpers in the background at the thought of Wubby
in two pieces.)

SHELDON      We get the picture.  So Wubby was nowhere
.            in sight at this point?

MS. PEPPER   No, as far as I was concerned, I had never
.            met – Wubby.  Never even heard anyone
.            mention the name “Wubby.”  I simply finished
.            putting all 40 items on the table,
.            and covered it with the blanket.
.            Then it was time to decorate.

SHELDON      And you never noticed or saw anything
.            suspicious or out of place?

MS. PEPPER   Once the task of decorating was finished,
.            I met with Trish, in the study, to go over
.            the itinerary.  She was determined to have
.            a flash-back party with a 50s theme,
.            of a time when things were so much more
.            happy and innocent.  (in a lower voice)
.            I suppose there’s no escaping the traumas
.            of the present time.

SHELDON      I suppose so.  (talks while writing)
.            Trish, is that so?  Did you meet
.            with Ms. Pepper at 4 pm?
.            (now looks back at TRISH)

TRISH        Yes.  In the study, at 4 pm, exactly.
.            The party was to begin at 5 pm.

(SHELDON gets up to walk around the back of the room
while thinking and listening.)
.                                                      14
SHELDON      And we discovered the body at exactly...
.            6:37.  Plenty of time for somebody to hide
.            the body under the blanket.  But, perhaps
.            Wubby was injured long before any of this.

(SHELDON studies his notes, thinking, then looks up.)

SHELDON      When did you last see Wubby in one piece?

TRISH        3:50 pm.  I remember, because
.            I said goodbye to him, explaining why
.            he could not be at my party.
.            I wanted to invite him, but,
.            I knew the other kids would only make fun.
.            But now, I just keep thinking,
.            if only- if only I would not have been
.            so embarrassed – he - he could have been
.            right here - with me.  All in one piece.
.            But he’s not-

(SHLEDON stops to lean over the sofa to speak.)

SHELDON      Trish, do not play the “what if” game.
.            It will only drive you crazy.
.            And you must not blame yourself.
.            This was not your fault.  You are
.            not responsible for Wubby’s passing.
.            You were – from what I hear –
.            an excellent friend to Wubby.

TRISH        Thank you.

SHELDON      So you last saw Wubby at 3:50,
.            and where exactly was this?

TRISH        Up in my bedroom.

SHELDON      Hm, interesting.  This leads me to think
.            that it was probably an inside job.
.            All right, well Ms. Pepper,
.            I am finished questioning you for now.
.            Please send in – the cook – Mrs. Fellini.

MS. PEPPER   You want ME to get her. Me?  You do realize,
.            she kind of scares me.  A lot.

SHELDON      I’m sure you’ll be fine.
.            I know you can do it.

(MS. PEPPER exits, visibly nervous.)                  15

SHELDON      (to TRISH)  Does the cook also scare you?

TRISH        (thinks)  No. At times she makes scary meals
.            to eat, but no, she has never scared me.
.            (quickly scared)  But do not you dare
.            tell her that she makes scary food!

(COOK enters.  TRISH quickly sits still and rigid.)

SHELDON      Mrs. Fellini, please sit down,
.            I have a few questions to ask you.

COOK         I’a no have’a time’a to sit down!
.            There’s’a so much’a to do.
.            Make’a the late night’a party cannoli.
.            and’a clean up’a all the mess-

SHELDON      But I need to ask you about your day-

COOK         My day is’a spent in’a kitchen
.            to’a cook like a crazy person.
.            So much’a to do!

SHELDON      Ms. Pepper says that you were abrupt
.            with her.

COOK         Yes, abrupt’a.  I’a no have’a time
.            for such’a crazy’a chit-chat.

SHELDON      And you were chopping?

COOK         Si!  A lots’a chopping’a, dicing’a,
.            stirring’a, mixing’a-  
.            You’a name it, I’a make it.

SHELDON      Were you a’making rabbit?

COOK         I no like’a rabbit.

SHELDON      Did you have anything against Wubby?

COOK         Wubby is’a – so sorry – Wubby was’a
.            nice’a, soft’a tiny friend, si?
.            But he was’a so old.  No?
.            But such’a shame.  I’a go now.
.            I’a have so much’a to do, with’a making
.            more a’something for a’snack.

(COOK turns and leaves while still muttering.)         16

SHELDON      All right then...

TRISH        You don’t think she did it?

SHELDON      Notice she said, “Wubby is-“ and then she
.            made the correction to “Wubby was-” that’s
.            a clue that she cares and – did not do it.

TRISH        You think so?

SHELDON      That’s the sort of thing they usually
.            point out in the cop shows.
.            The criminal would say “WAS” because
.            the criminal would have it in their mind
.            that the victim was already gone.

TRISH        So Mrs. Fellini actually cared about Wubby?
.            Even though she did not like rabbits?

SHELDON      Seems that way.  So Trish, why don’t you go
.            and send in your brother.  It’s probably
.            best if you wait out there for now.

(TRISH nods her agreement while exiting.  TODD enters.)

SHELDON      Todd, have a seat.

(TODD and SHELDON sit down.)

TODD         I did not do that, just so you realize.
.            I could never do that.

SHELDON      From what I hear, you like to tease
.            and argue with your sisters.

TODD         Sure, but I would never want to hurt them.

SHELDON      Come on, I have sisters, too.
.            I know how it can be.  You never want to
.            seek out revenge?  For anything?
.            I heard they squirted hand lotion
.            into your mouth while you were asleep.

TODD         That was mostly Terri’s doing.
.            SHE’S the prankster of the family.
.            If I wanted revenge on anybody,
.            it would be Terri, not Trish.

SHELDON      You’re saying Trish is the               17
.            perfect sister?

TODD         Noooo, but... look – even if I would
.            play a prank on any of my sisters,
.            I would never destroy something like Wubby.
.            I just could not do such a thing.
.            I know how much Wubby means to Trish,
.            and -  well, I totally understand.

SHELDON      Oh yeah?  How so?

TODD         Look, you have to promise that you
.            will never tell anybody about this.

SHELDON      Okay, I’ll keep it – off the record.

TODD         I loved Wubby – just like my – own –
.            Teddy.

SHELDON      Teddy?

TODD         I know, not a very original name, but,
.            you know, still he’s a very special bear.

SHELDON      You still have a Teddy bear.

TODD         You promised to keep it – off the record.

SHELDON      But who can back this up.

TODD         I could introduce you to the bear.

SHELDON      How do I know you’re not just showing me
.            one of your sister’s stuffed toys?

TODD         Hey, it’s not a toy!  But, ah,
.            Mr. Douglas could back this up.

SHELDON      The butler?  All right, send in Mr. Douglas.

(TODD exits.  BUTLER enters and stands at attention.)

SHELDON      Mr. Douglas, the butler, please be seated.

BUTLER       I prefer to stand.

SHELDON      Suit yourself.  So, ah, Todd says
.            you can back up his story about – Teddy.

BUTLER       (mildly surprised but speaks carefully)  18
.            He told you about Teddy?

SHELDON      Yes, I was sworn to secrecy though.

BUTLER       Very well, it is true.  Todd still has
.            his Teddy bear.

SHELDON      Now how can you convince me that
.            you are not guilty of harming Wubby?

BUTLER       I care about the well-being
.            of all children in this house,
.            as if they were my very own.

SHELDON      If they WERE your very own children,
.            would you encourage them to continue
.            holding on to their baby toys?

BUTLER       Master Sheldon, those are not toys.

SHELDON      Where were you between 3:50 and 6:37 pm?

BUTLER       I was assisting the cook, Mrs. Fellini.

SHELDON      She never mentioned you.

BUTLER       I was busy at the front end.
.            Setting the tables and such.
.            Once the guests started to arrive,
.            I welcomed them, taking their
.            coats and gifts and directing them
.            to the dining room.  You remember
.            me serving you throughout the meal.

SHELDON      I noticed that there were a few minutes
.            where you were not serving us.

BUTLER       I was in the kitchen, grabbing a bite
.            to eat.  Butlers are human, you realize,
.            and require nourishment, as well.

SHELDON      I understand.  Very well, then,
.            please send in Terri.

(BUTLER exits.  TERRI enters.)

SHELDON      Terri, would you like to sit?

(TERRI and SHELDON both sit down.)
.                                                     19
SHELDON      Terri-Terri-Terri- do you have a stuffed
.            toy-FRIEND too?  (quickly makes correction)

TERRI        NNNoooo.

SHELDON      I suppose if you really did,
.            you probably would not tell me.

TERRI        Do YOU have a stuffed – friend?

SHELDON      (clearing throat, thinking)
.            I will ask the questions, if you please.
.            So, Terri, I understand sibling rivalry,
.            especially between sisters.

TERRI        (grunts)  I’m far too busy for that
.            sort of thing.

SHELDON      So just where were you?  Huh?  I noticed
.            that you were late to the party.

TERRI        Sure, I had a soccer game.

SHELDON      Maybe, you came back home and quickly
.            went upstairs to, ah, get Wubby?

TERRI        Simply no time.  You can even ask my
.            teammates, I showered and got ready
.            right after the game.  As soon as I got
.            back home, I joined you all for supper.

SHELDON      But there isn’t anyone to back your alibi.

TERRI        (thinking)  There is!  Mr. Stellar.

SHELDON      The chauffeur?

TERRI        Yes.  He drove me.

SHELDON      Very well, send him in please.

(TERRI exits and CHAUFFEUR enters.)

SHELDON      Mr. Stellar?

CHAUFFEUR    That would be me.  So, this
.            is about Wubby?
.            (joking)  Poor widdo-Wubby?

SHELDON      Yes, just how well did you know Wubby?    20
.            Sounds like you were on a first-name basis.

CHAUFFEUR    Sure thing.  I’ve been driving these kids
.            and their furry little toy-friends
.            for several years now.

SHELDON      Just now, you said, “toy-friends.”

(CHAUFFEUR looks slightly guilty, like he’s been caught
doing a bad thing.  He shrugs it off.)

CHAUFFEUR    Yeah, what of it?

SHELDON      Well, do you use this term
.            in front of the children?

CHAUFFEUR    I know better than that.  Look, I want
.            to keep my job.  So around the family,
.            I watch what I say, and I watch what I do.

SHELDON      So what time did you arrive at the house
.            after picking Terri up from the soccer game?

CHAUFFEUR    It was 5:21.  I remember, because
.            I was explicitly told to have Terri back
.            as soon as possible because the party
.            began at 5 pm.  I had one eye on the road,
.            and the other – well, every so often –
.            I had the other eye on the time.
.            When we arrived, I took note.  5:21.

SHELDON      Then what did you do?

CHAUFFEUR    Parked the car, came in the back entrance
.            to the kitchen and grabbed a bite to eat.

SHELDON      No wonder Mrs. Fellini feels so busy.

CHAUFFEUR    Should I bring Mrs. Fellini back in?
.            She can vouch for me.

SHELDON      No-no, just leave her to her a’mixing.
.            But you can send in... Annette!

(CHAUFFEUR exits.  Unexpectedly, MR. and MRS. BERGMAN
enter with a kerfuffle, followed by TRISH, TODD
and TERRI.  SHELDON just sits there, stunned.)

TRISH        But Dad... Mom!
.                                                      21
MR. BERGMAN  (looking around and seeing SHELDON)
.            Is that him?  So what is the meaning
.            of all this, young man?
.            Who told you should interrogate the help?

MRS. B       Mrs. Fellini is very distressed and
.            cannot stop a’talking and a’mixing things,
.            and Mr. Douglas is quite – well -
.            “put off” – is what he would say.

MR. BERGMAN  “Insulted” is the word he used.

MRS. B       Oh yes, he uses that word a lot.

MR. BERGMAN  (to SHELDON)  Now, I cannot wait
.            to hear the reasons behind all this-

TRISH        Dad!  Mom!  Please, listen to me.
.            You are crashing my birthday party.

MRS. B       It does not seem like most of the kids
.            are having any fun right now.
.            Like take poor, Russell, for instance,
.            who wants to go home already.
.            (calling out)  Russell!  Russ!
.            Please come here.

(RUSS enters tentatively.)

RUSS         Oh, but, I-

MRS. B       It’s okay dear, come right over here.
.            (moves RUSS into position beside her)
.            Russ is feeling like he does not belong.

(RUSS sighs with embarrassment so his whole body sinks.)

TODD         Well, none of us feel like we belong.
.            We’re teenagers.

MR. BERGMAN  That is true.  And let me tell you,
.            things do not change much as an adult.

TERRI        I’m sure that isn’t helping Russ.

TRISH        Yeah, Russ, don’t go.  My party isn’t over-
.            YET!

MRS. B       I just do not understand what is happening.
.                                                      22
MR. BERGMAN  And again, when is it ever okay to
.            interrogate the help?

TRISH        You both gave me permission to plan my
.            own party, with the help of Ms. Pepper.

MRS. B       Who seems a little beside herself right now.
.            What is her problem?

TERRI        She seems a little like the sensitive type.

MRS. B       Oh, I know exactly what you mean.

MR. BERGMAN  My question remains the same.

MRS. B       Which is what, again, dear?

MR. BERGMAN  When is it ever okay to interrogate
.            the help?

MRS. B       Oh yes, that question.

SHELDON      It’s actually a good question.

MR. BERGMAN  Thank you, young man, but that does not
.            get you off the hook.  I think it is time
.            for everyone to go home now.

TRISH        Dad!  No!  You’re ruining my party.
.            And we still have not figured out
.            who did it yet.

MR. BERGMAN  (thinks first)  Did what?... Did what,
.            young lady?

TERRI        (thinking, then quickly jumps in)
.            Well, that is why Sheldon is asking
.            all these questions.

TRISH        Sheldon is only helping.

TODD         You see, there was this tragic incident,
.            and now, we must get to the bottom of it.
.            Sheldon is - our - detective.

MRS. B       (gasping with excitement, then knowingly)
.            You mean like a murder mystery!

TRISH        Kind of-
.                                                      23
MRS. B       Why didn’t you say so!
.            I LOVE those.  Can we play?

TODD         We already started?

MRS. B       That’s okay.  Oh!  I love these so much.
.            Catch me up.  Which character should I be?
.            The Southern Belle who acts all innocent?
.            (suddenly goes into character)
.            Oh, yo’re not suspecting little ol’ me,
.            are ya?  Whateva shall I do?

(TRISH, TODD and TERRI are stunned at first,
just watching with wide eyes as the scene unfolds.
MRS. BERGMAN plops herself down into the chair,
fanning herself with a hand.)

MRS. B       Please, don’t be too hard on me,
.            mister detective-man.  I don’t know how much
.            I can take.  I’m so very frail, you know?
.            But, go ahead now ya’hear, ask a question.
.            Go on.  I’ll try not to be a-feared.

SHELDON      Oh-kay, ah, well, Mrs.-

MRS. B       Miss, Miss Southern Belle, if ya please.

SHELDON      Miss... Southern Belle, where have you been
.            for the last 3 hours?

MRS. B       Oh, is that when the crime happened?
.            Was it simply dreadful?

SHELDON      It was.

MRS. B       Why, I simply cannot answer that question
.            without making myself look completely
.            suspicious.  I have absolutely no alibi.
.            Absolutely no alibi to speak of.
.            Whateva am I going to do?

MR. BERGMAN  (now getting into character with an accent)
.            Well there, seems I can vouch for yo alibi,
.            ma’am.  Seeings how yo’ such a pertty
.            little thing.

(RUSS is afraid to move, while the rest of the KIDS
roll their eyes in disbelief.)

MRS. B       Why, you can?  It’s a might-a             24
.            big relief.

TRISH        Mom – Dad, you’re embarrassing us.

MRS. B       Well then, does that mean
.            I’m off the hook?

SHELDON      Yes.  Ah, for now.

MR. BERGMAN  I do not suppose you have
.            any questions for me, young man?

SHELDON      Only the same question.  Ah,
.            where were you in the last 3 hours?

MR. BERGMAN  You’re good.  You’re real good.
.            But, you’re not good enough.
.            Get back to me when you  find some
.            real evidence.  Huh?  Make my day.

MRS. B       Oh, well, I guess we can
.            retire now in the study.
.            Yo’all can call on us there if yo’all
.            need us for anymo’ questioning.


SHELDON      You can send in Annette, now.

(RUSS exits with hesitation, followed by TRISH, TODD
and TERRI.  ANNETTE enters and faces SHELDON with a leer.
They both speak very crisply to each other.)

SHELDON      Hello – Annette.

ANNETTE      Sheldon!

SHELDON      Sit?

ANNETTE      All right.

SHELDON      So –

ANNETTE      You like?

SHELDON      What?!

ANNETTE      You like me for it?
.            The crime that is?
.                                                      25
SHELDON      Yes!  I like you a lot – for the crime.
.            I’m thinking you did it.
.            You just LOOK guilty.  And you sound guilty,
.            what with all that giggling,
.            and pretend-crying to cover up
.            all that giggling.  How could you?

ANNETTE      I thought it was funny.

SHELDON      (motioning to the taped-outline on table)
.            Does this look funny to you?

(ANNETTE looks and bursts into a snicker and nods “yes”
through her suppressed laughter.)

ANNETTE      It actually does.

SHELDON      You thought dismembering a bunny
.            would be funny?

ANNETTE      (composing herself)  Well not the actual ACT
.            of dismembering a bunny, but in the moment,
.            it seemed – I don’t know – oddly funny –
.            I went into a couple of giggle-fits.
.            So what?!  That’s all I’m guilty of...
.            giggle-fits.  You’re going to, what?
.            Throw me into jail and have me punished
.            for that?

SHELDON      You had nothing to do with the actual
.            dismantling of Wubby?

(While talking, ANNETTE walks around the sofa
with a calculating walk, causing SHELDON to follow
the motion to stay on the opposite side of the sofa.)

ANNETTE      No!  Do you really think - if I had
.            anything to do with the actual crime,
.            that I would be laughing about it?

SHELDON      Yes.

ANNETTE      (stops to think, then agrees heartily) Eh,
.            you’re right.  I probably would be laughing.
.            (continues her sly walk around the sofa)
.            But if I only look guilty because of that,
.            then Colin would look equally as guilty.
.            He was just way too eager to see
.            what was beneath the blanket.  Right?
.                                                      26
SHELDON      Sure-sure.  So- send in Colin, please.

ANNETTE      (still crisply)  My pleasure, Sheldon!

SHELDON      Annette!

(ANNETTE exits and COLIN enters casually.)

COLIN        What up?

SHELDON      Sit down, please, Colin.

(COLIN and SHELDON both sit.)

SHELDON      So, Colin, why were you so eager to see
.            what was under the blanket?

COLIN        Well, when that Pepper-lady screamed,
.            I thought, cool, something crazy is under
.            that blanket.  I wanted to see what it was.

(SHELDON simply stares at COLIN.  COLIN finally shrugs.)

COLIN        That’s it.

SHELDON      You had no idea that it was Wubby?

COLIN        Never in a million years would
.            I have guessed it was somebody’s
.            stuffed toy – ripped apart.
.            But – I gotta remember that one for future-

SHELDON      Future what?

COLIN        Nothing!   I plead the fifth.

SHELDON      The fifth what?

COLIN        I’m not sure, but it amends something.

SHELDON      Ignorance?

COLIN        Yeah, I can be totally ignorant.
.            Or is the word – innocent?  I don’t know –
.            Couldn’t you be like, ignorant of the facts
.            which would make you innocent
.            of any knowledge?

SHELDON      (groans)  You’re dismissed.  Send in Katie.
.                                                      27
COLIN        Katie!  Katie the flakey.

(COLIN exits.  KATIE enters as she speaks back to COLIN.)

KATIE        I am not flakey.

SHELDON      Sit - please.

(KATIE quickly sits down on the sofa while
SHELDON paces behind her while firing off questions.)

SHELDON      You consider yourself best friends
.            with Trish?

KATIE        Yes.

SHELDON      Would you ever say anything to her
.            that would hurt her?

KATIE        No.

SHELDON      Even if it was the truth?

KATIE        If the truth hurts - keep it to yourself!

SHELDON      So if you hurt Wubby,
.            you would not tell her.

KATIE        I would not hurt Wubby!

SHELDON      What if the truth was important to know,
.            would you tell her then?

KATIE        Ahhhh, you’re trying to confuse me.

SHELDON      So you said that you were best friends?

KATIE        Yes.

SHELDON      But at the party, Trish admitted
.            that Wubby was her best friend.
.            Did that make you jealous?

KATIE        Yes – ah – NO!

SHELDON      Did you arrive early to help organize?

KATIE        No.

SHELDON      Why not?  You are supposed to be          28
.            best friends.  Isn’t that what
.            a best friend would do?

KATIE        Dad needed me to - wax his back
.            this afternoon.

SHELDON      Oh-ow!

KATIE        Tell me about it.  My parents are leaving
.            on a cruise tomorrow and-

SHELDON      Too much information.

KATIE        Well, someday I want to be a beautician,
.            and that’s just one of the things
.            you have to know how to do.

SHELDON      Still, if you are able to do THAT-
.            executing such a painful operation
.            as to pour hot wax on someone and rip out-

KATIE        You think I could ever harm Wubby?
.            Never!  What would my motive be?

SHELDON      I don’t know.  You admitted to being
.            jealous?

KATIE        Not of Wubby?  Not really.  You see,
.            Wubby and my Twinkles-

SHELDON      Twinkles being-

KATIE        My stuffed Unicorn.

SHELDON      “Twinkles” - the Unicorn?

KATIE        Long story on the name.  Anyway,
.            Wubby and Twinkles got along famously.
.            For years, they came along with us
.            to every pajama party and birthday party –
.            until now.

SHELDON      Yes-yes – heard the story.  So you decided
.            that you were also too embarrassed
.            to bring Twinkles to the party?

KATIE        Yes.  Now you probably think even less
.            of me?

SHELDON      Whatever.  I’m done questioning you.      29
.            Could you send in Emma?

(KATIE exits and EMMA enters.)

EMMA         Did you need my help?

SHELDON      Emma, you are a prime suspect,
.            just because you have tried
.            to be so helpful.

EMMA         Maybe I just want to help.
.            I’m just that kind of person, you know.
.            I’m a helper.  I like to help.

SHELDON      You must be the teacher’s pet?

EMMA         Usually.

SHELDON      Those kind of people make me sick.
.            And suspicious.

EMMA         Why?  You do not think people
.            can be good?

SHELDON      Good, yes.  Perfect, no.

EMMA         Couldn’t there be a person who
.            sincerely was just TRYING to be perfect?

SHELDON      I suppose there could be such a person.

EMMA         Like yourself?

SHELDON      What about myself?

EMMA         You are just like me.

SHELDON      I am not.

EMMA         You are.  Admit it.

SHELDON      You watch “Glad Times.”  I would never
.            bother watching that TV show.

EMMA         Neither would-

(EMMA suddenly stops, realizing she’s admitted
to something.)

SHELDON      What is that?  So you lied about          30
.            watching “Glad Times”?  THAT is why
.            you do not DVR it.  So WHAT
.            are you really trying to hide?
.            What are you really up to, Emma Kayler?

(EMMA clamps her mouth shut defiantly.)

SHELDON      You don’t think I have a reason
.            to suspect you?

EMMA         (confesses)  I do a Bible study
.            with my parents and brother, okay.

SHELDON      Oh.  I guess we are kind of the same.
.            And that’s nothing to be ashamed about.

(EMMA looks at SHELDON with a pouty but forgiving look.)

SHELDON      Okay.  I’ll keep this in mind.
.            Meanwhile, send in Gale?

(EMMA exits.  GALE enters.)

SHELDON      Hi Gale.

GALE         Why did you ask me in?

SHELDON      Could not help but notice that you’re
.            really jealous of Trish.

GALE         NNNOOOo...  Maybe just a bit.  So what?

SHELDON      Well, maybe you had a certain idea
.            about hurting something close to Trish
.            that would make her feel some pain,
.            right at her own birthday party.

GALE         Are you kidding me?  And risk never being
.            invited to one of her parties ever again?

SHELDON      (feeling sudden frustration)
.            Ah!  AHHHHHHHHH!

(SHELDON paces the room while he loses it.
Scared, GALE rushes out, and TRISH rushes back in.)

TRISH        Sheldon, what’s wrong?  What is it?
.            Did you figure it out?

SHELDON      No!  Are you kidding me?                  31
.            I’m no detective!
.            I’m just a kid!  A kid who
.            does not know what he’s doing!

TRISH        So you found out nothing?

SHELDON      I found out - your cook feels overworked.

TRISH        That’s nothing new.

SHELDON      Ugh, I’m such a loser.

TRISH        No you’re not.  You’re a good friend,
.            who tried to help me.

SHELDON      But failed.

TRISH        No.  You actually helped.  You gave me
.            some words of wisdom and comfort before.
.            And now I’m actually feeling a bit better,
.            you know?

SHELDON      Really?

TRISH        Really.

SHELDON      I still want to know who did this.
.            I still want to crack the case, you know?

TRISH        I get that.

SHELDON      But how?  What would Sherlock Holmes do?

TRISH        I have no idea.

SHELDON      I have an idea.
.            I HAVE – AN IDEA!!!

(SHELDON goes to door to call everyone into the room.)

SHELDON      Everyone, please come into the family room.
.            (to TRISH)  I’ll be right back.
.            Have them all stand in a group over there.

(SHELDON points to the side, then exits while
EVERYONE else enters.)

QUINTON      What’s going on?  Where’s he going?

TRISH        No idea.  But he wants everyone to        32
.            stand in a group, right over there.

in a group to the side.  SHELDON returns with Wubby.
Taking the two pieces, SHELDON holds the pieces close
to each other, looking at the head.)

SHELDON      What if I told you, that we just discovered
.            a Wubby-cam?

JIMMY        What?

SHELDON      A Wubby-cam.  You know, a miniature camera
.            inside the stuffing - inside of Wubby.
.            And what if I told you that it had
.            recorded everything?  What do you think
.            Wubby all saw?  Who do you think Wubby saw?

(SHELDON puts Wubby’s pieces together as if it is back
in one piece, then swings it slowly around the room
as if Wubby was looking at every suspect.
RUSS finally breaks down.)

RUSS         All right, I did it!

SHELDON      What?!

TRISH        What?  So that’s why you wanted to
.            go home early.  You were feeling guilty.

SHELDON      Well, what motive could you possibly have?

RUSS         You – you’re surprised.  You did NOT know?

SHELDON      I did not say there WAS a camera
.            inside Wubby, I just asked
.            “what if there HAD been.”

RUSS         Aw, man.

TRISH        Russ, why – why would you do this?

RUSS         I – I actually did not.

TODD         Then why confess?

SHELDON      Explain this, please.

RUSS         Your dog, Tiny.

TERRI        What has Tiny got to do with this?        33

TODD         (calling out)  Tiny?  Tiny!
.            Hey, where are you, Tiny boy?
.            Where are you?  Where are you, boy?

(SOUND EFFECT:  huge dog barking off stage.)

COOK         Oh, he was’a getting into everything.
.            I’a put him out’a side.

TERRI        Okay, so what did Tiny do?

RUSS         I was walking through this room,
.            looking for the bathroom,
.            and I saw Tiny with that pink ah-with Wubby.
.            In my defense, I just thought it was
.            a dog toy.  So I started playing
.            with the dog, you know, tug-of-war.

(EVERYONE groans.)

RUSS         It – just – came apart.  You have
.            a very big dog.  Which you call, Tiny?
.            Anyway, I just thought the dog’s toy broke.
.            So I left the dog and the toy in the room,
.            went to wash my hands, then –
.            joined everyone again in the dining room
.            for supper.

TODD         But when we discovered Wubby, why did not
.            you say something then?

RUSS         Well, there were so many hysterical people
.            in the room, and it - it seemed like
.            such a big deal suddenly, so by then,
.            I was terrified of saying anything.
.            I thought maybe you would not believe me,
.            and then you’d all hate me.

KATIE        I suppose telling the truth in this case
.            would have been best, even though
.            it would have hurt.

TRISH        Agreed.  But why did you put it under
.            the blanket?

RUSS         Oh, I did not do that.

TODD         Then who did?  I know Tiny sure           34
.            could not do that.  It’s not
.            the smartest dog on the block.

(While everyone is quietly thinking, MAID enters,
wearing an iPod, humming and dusting things in the back
so her back is turned to everyone.  As she turns around,
she is shocked to see the group.  MAID pulls out
her earphones.)

MAID         Oh!  Hello.  What is everyone
.            doing here?

SHELDON      Let me guess, the maid?

GALE         Of course you have a maid.

TERRI        Oh yeah, we forgot to tell you about
.            Miss Carol.

MAID         I am so sorry.  Pardon.  I will go- oh!
.            (seeing Wubby)  You – found it.

TODD         By “it,” you are referring to Wubby?

MAID         Yes.  I came in here to clean up,
.            and saw Wubby, all broken on the floor.

SHELDON      Then what did you do?

MAID         I did not know what to do.
.            And I was in very big hurry.
.            You were having this party.
.            I knew you would be so upset
.            if you saw it, so I thought –
.            I should quickly hide it -
.            until later.  And then tell you.

(EVERYONE “aw”s with understanding.)

TODD         Well we found it.

MAID         I thought you would not play
.            in here.  You said you would be
.            in the recreation room.

TRISH        We had changed our mind.

MAID         Oh, I am so sorry.  I know how much
.            you loved Wubby.
.                                                      35
TRISH        It’s okay-it’s okay.  I’m going to survive.
.            At least we know now how it happened.
.            And it was all just an accident.
.            A horrible - but mysterious accident.
.            But - I found out - that I have some
.            pretty good friends.

SHELDON      And I solved my first case.

MS. PEPPER   And I ruined another birthday party.

TRISH        It was not ruined.

COLIN        No, this was actually kind of cool.

ANNETTE      It WAS fun.

TRISH        And it’s still early.

MS. PEPPER   Really?  You’ll give me another chance?
.            (perking up)  Okay!  To the living room
.            where our next game is all set up.
.            Oh, first, let me go on ahead to make sure
.            everything is in its proper place.

(MS. PEPPER rushes out, while everyone laughs.
MR. and MRS. BERGMAN rush in.)

MR.BERGMAN   What?  The game is over already?

MRS. B       So?  Who done it?

TRISH        The dog - AND the maid in the family room.

MRS. B       (gasps)  Ah, I did not see that coming!

MR.BERGMAN   That’s right.  It’s usually what?
.            The butler in the study?

(BUTLER shakes his head and exits.)

TRISH        Come on everyone, it may not be
.            as exciting as this last one,
.            but the next game is about to begin.

(ALL follow TRISH out the door.)