.          all rights belong to Tanis Harms, © 2014
.             refer to

THE UNREAL REALITY OF IT ALL - written by Tanis Harms

THEME:     spoofing reality shows
PREMISE:   This can be done as a comedy “variety” show,
.          or used as a workshop idea
.          for an evening of fun,
.          allowing people an opportunity to try out
.          their acting and/or directing skills.

.          $25.00 USD to receive a WORKSHOP PACKAGE
how you receive this & package description


1.  Depending on how long of a show you want:
choose which sketches you want to use.  Simply
start each one where actors introduce the next sketch.
In the director’s package, these dialogue lines /
editing points are highlighted for your convenience.

2.  Ideal for dinner theater,
but if you do not want it as such, simply edit out
all dialogue and directions regarding dinner.
In the director’s package, these dialogue lines /
editing points are highlighted for your convenience.

3.  If using this script as a comedy “variety” show:  
you can use the same actors for more than just one role.
Edit out all workshop dialogue and directions.
In the director’s package, these dialogue lines /
editing points are highlighted for your convenience.

4.  If using this script as a workshop:
(with or without dinner), the guests are the actors.

In the director’s package, sketches will also be
sent to you in separate documents,
telling you how many copies to make for each one.
Do not forget to print out the entire script
for the host/director or any of the crew (if required).

Depending on how many guests you are expecting,
this may determine how many sketches you want to use.

You don’t have to perform all skits, but do perform them
in the suggested order, as they may build on each other.

If you’re really organized, you can highlight           2
each role on each script, or hand out highlighters
so actors/guests can highlight their own scripts.

tables/groups receive their scripts to read,
discuss and rehearse over the main course
(or over an allotted time of approximately an hour), then
tables take turns acting out their skits (over dessert).

tables/groups can decide who will act which roles
and who will act as their director.  This person
can also feed lines if any actors attempt to memorize.


MAIN HOST   Welcome to the Dinner Theater Workshop.
.           As you can see, each table (group)
.           has a script with copies for all involved.
.           You will get to choose who acts each role,
.           who will act as the director,
.           and who will get to sit back and enjoy,
.           laugh, critique and/or shrink back
.           with mock embarrassment.
.           Use your time wisely during the meal
.           to read through, discuss and rehearse – and
.           perhaps even memorize lines if you so choose.
.           I will be walking around
.           to each table (group) in case there are
.           any questions or if you’d like any advice.
.           A few important acting tips in comedy are:
.           never TRY to be funny!
.           Go ahead and be over the top,
.           but the trick is to be very serious
.           and sincere about your role.
.           Speak so people can hear and understand.
.           And when people laugh,
.           wait until they’re finished, then continue.
.           So, in one hour, dessert will be served,
.           and it will be time for you all to
.           take the stage – one table (group) at a time.
.           Stage and props will be set up for you
.           when it’s your turn.

(You can ask someone to pray for the meal at this point.)

MAIN HOST   Enjoy your meal, everyone.

.                                                       3

MAIN HOST   It is time now, folks, to begin our show
.           entitled “The Unreal Reality of it All”.
.           When you hear the title of your sketch,
.           be ready to get up here and begin.
.           Skit 1 will be performed by table 1.
.           Notice that their table is right up here
.           at stage right.  That is because they have
.           a very unique skit, in that it will
.           take place throughout the entire show.
.           THEIR reality show is entitled
.           “Couch Potato People Just Watching
.           and Commenting on Reality Shows”.
.           And yes folks, this sort of reality show
.           really truly exists!  So take it away,
.           table (group) 1.

SET:        table on stage at stage right
.           with just enough chairs, all upstage,
.           so that no one’s back is to the audience
PROPS:      dessert and beverages (even though
.           you’re on the stage the entire time,
.           feel free to eat during the show,
.           it will even become part of your skit)
ROLES:      PERSON 1 (super supportive,
.                     sneezes at thought of dirt, etc.)
.           PERSON 2 (super critical,
.                     gets itchy around animals)
.           PERSON 3 (indecisive and bored,
.                     adds sound effects to things)
.           PERSON 4 (says they can’t care less,
.                     barks when they feel insecure)


PERSON 2    Finally, a show where I can express
.           my brilliant opinions – and I will be heard.

PERSON 3    Does anyone actually watch this show?

PERSON 1    I would TOTALLY watch this show.
.           I’m not afraid to say it - I love TV.

PERSON 4    I know, I for one – would never watch this.
.           This is stupid.  I hate reality shows.

PERSON 2    So why agree to do this?                    4

PERSON 3    Because I asked-

PERSON 4    It - was - blackmail!

PERSON 3    I have a video of him dancing in a tutu
.           while belching out the song, “I’m Bad”-

PERSON 1    By Michael Jackson?!  I’d love to see that.  
.           (singing)  I’m bad – I’m bad-

(PERSON 4 barks like a dog.  PERSON 2 scratches head.)

PERSON 2    Could we just get on with it?
.           I want something real to critique.

PERSON 3    (“reading”)  Looks like we’ll be watching
.           something called “Really Bad Cooks”.

PERSON 1    I LOVE watching people cook.

SET:        table (or 3 small tables) at stage left
PROPS:      chef hat
ROLES:      CHEF BOO-YAH  (loud and expressive)
.           CONTESTANT 1  (sincere, apologetic)
.           SPOUSE 1      (supportive)
.           CONTESTANT 2  (belligerent)
.           SPOUSE 2      (blasé)
.           CONTESTANT 3  (determined)
.           SPOUSE 3      (sarcastic)


(CHEF enters with CONTESTANTS standing in a line
behind the table, with SPOUSES slightly behind them.)

CHEF        Hey there!  I’m Chef Boo-yah,
.           and this is my cooking show:
.           “Really Bad Cooks”!  BOO-YAH!

(CHEF makes a big motion to the CONTESTANTS.)

CHEF        I’m talking about the worst cooks
.           you could ever find - EVER.  Boo-yah.

(CHEF makes a little motion to CONTESTANTS.)

CHEF        And I’m here to figure out exactly          5
.           who that might be,
.           and just maybe whip them into shape!
.           Boo-yah – boo-yah – boo-yah.
.              (pointing at each CONTESTANT)
.           Our first contestant is contestant #1.
.           Contestant #1, why do you think
.           you’re a really bad cook?

CON. #1     Well, ah, I guess you could say that
.           I’m kitchen-impaired.

SPOUSE 1    It’s not that bad.

CON. #1     I feel lost in my own kitchen.

SPOUSE 1    Probably just a touch of A.D.D.

CON. #1     I try following recipes,
.           but nothing ever turns out.

SPOUSE 1    But in High School, you passed Home Ec.

CON. #1     It was a pity-pass.  The teacher
.           ALWAYS used me as the bad example.

SPOUSE 1    This may have emotionally
.           scarred her for life–

CON. #1     Actual scars!  Honey.  Remember?
.           I have one here (point to elbow),
.           I still have this one here (points to wrist)
.           and this one here... (points to fingertip)

SPOUSE 1    I think she just THINKS she is bad.
.           She really shouldn’t be on this show.

CON. #1     He’s just being nice, you know.
.           I see him - as he tries to eat my food. And-
.           at every meal he claims he has to sneeze,
.           and then - I see him doing this...

(CONTESTANT #1 does some exaggerated gags,
with some horrible twisted facial expressions,
she points at her eyes while speaking.)

CON. #1     And then he says, “See my eyes?  I’m crying-
.           that’s how good it is.  I’m crying!”
.           (serious again)  Yeah, it’s that bad.

SPOUSE 1    Okay, it’s that bad.  I mean, a bit.        6
.           Just a bit.

CON. #1     It’s really bad.

SPOUSE 1    It IS really bad, but so far no one has died.

CON. #1     We’ve come close.

SPOUSE 1    We do live very close to a hospital.
.           So far - it’s all good.

CHEF        Okay!  Contestant #2,
.           what makes you a really bad cook?

(While CONTESTANT #2 speaks, SPOUSE 2 is making faces
and pretty much mouthing along with what’s being said
because they’ve heard it all before.)

CON. #2     I really hate cooking.  Detest it, in fact!
.           Being in the kitchen is like death to me.
.           Like being a fish out of water.
.           Or, a person - being held UNDER water.
.           It is a form of torture, really.
.           If anyone ever wanted to interrogate me –
.           all they’d have to do is put me
.           in front of a hot stove – and I’d be
.           telling them anything they wanted to know –
.           anything - expect – how to cook.

(CONTESTANT #2 suddenly glares at SPOUSE 2,
daring him/her to say something.  Before C#2 can see,
SPOUSE 2 stops antics and looks serious,
trying to think of something to say.)

SPOUSE 2    I’m sure if you tried, you could do better.

CHEF        (to C#2)  You don’t think that if you knew
.           what you were doing, you’d actually enjoy it?

CON. #2     I’m only here for my fifteen seconds of fame.
.           I’ve now been on TV, so I can check that off
.           my bucket list.  And this was the only show
.           for which I was qualified.

CHEF        Moving on then.  Contestant #3,
.           what makes you a really bad cook?

CON. #3     I want to be good, but I have no idea
.           why I am NOT good-
.                                                       7
SPOUSE 3    You’ve burned down the kitchen three times.

CON. #3     I think the timer must is broken.

SPOUSE 3    Even if it is, you’re standing right there.

CON. #3     Maybe I need to have my nose checked-

SPOUSE 3    I was choking from the smoke -
.           in the next room.

CON. #3     Well, so there must be a problem
.           with the recipe.

SPOUSE 3    Yes, because THAT would make sense.

CHEF        I think it’s time to move on to our
.           skill testing question.

SPOUSE 3    Just don’t make it too hard.

CHEF        Which meat SHOULD be pink in the middle:
.           STEAK, chicken, turkey or hamburger?

CON. #1     Ahhhhhh, chicken?

CON. #2     Turkey.

CON. #3     (smiling)  HAMBURGER!!!

(SPOUSES react, balk or slap a hand to their foreheads.)

CHEF        Boo-yah!  We have some work to do.
.           Join us next week when we put these
.           really bad cooks – through a series
.           of skill-testing challenges.
.           Until then - BOO-YAH!

(ALL freeze while GROUP 1 gives their reactions.
Once finished, you can return to your table.)


PERSON 1    I love that!  BOO-YAH!

PERSON 3    I don’t know if it’s clever or annoying.

PERSON 4    There’s always a gimmick.
.                                                       8
PERSON 2    Don’t cooking shows cook anymore?
.           I mean, no wonder there’re so many bad cooks
.           out there.  Okay.  Now I’m getting hungry.

(PERSON 2 takes a bite of dessert.  The entire time
PERSON 2 is chewing, PERSON 3 says “chomp-chomp-chomp”.)

PERSON 1    Okay.  Ahhhh, what’s on next?

PERSON 4    “News at 7:30-ish”

PERSON 1    I cannot wait!

PERSON 4    I probably could.

SKIT 3:     “NEWS AT 7:30-ISH”
SET:        2 small table and 2 chairs at stage left
PROPS:      boa, microphone, dollar bill
ROLES:      BRONZE     (super cheesy cheery host)
.           GOLDEN     (super cheesy cheery cohost)
.           PEBBLES    (cute and cheery)
.           ROSY       (cheery but feisty field reporter)
.           POP STAR   (moody and serious artist)
.           MOVIE STAR (aggravated and angry)


(BRONZE flashes an over the top smile.)

BRONZE      Good evening everyone, I’m Bronze Medallion,
.           and this is “News at 7:30-“

GOLDEN      “ISH”!

(GOLDEN struts in flinging a feathered boa
over her shoulder.)

BRONZE      Fashionably late, as usual.  Joining us now
.           is my stunning co-host, Golden McCary.

GOLDEN      Thank you.  Thank you.  Well, tonight
.           is very exciting, as we cover all the
.           top stories that you, the viewers,
.           want to see and hear about.  And tonight’s
.           TOP top story is – us!  “News at 7:30-ish.”

BRONZE      That’s right folks, because of you – we were
.           rated top show in our category this year.
.                                                       9
GOLDEN      AGAIN!  (fights off the tears)
.           So right at the top of our list to thank –
.           is YOU – you- our most loyal viewers
.           out there.  I would also like to thank
.           our makeup and lighting crew.
.           They really know how to work their magic.
.           No one would ever guess that we are all
.           over ninety-nine years old.

BRONZE      And lest there be an oversight, a special
.           shout-out thank you to Dr. Collagen.
.           You will always have a special place
.           in our hearts.  But mostly in our faces.

GOLDEN      But without all our talent, where
.           would we be?  Where WOULD we be, Bronze?

BRONZE      Well, giving an update report on location,
.           because that’s where you want to be!  We go
.           to the fabulous Pebbles McMerry at the beach,
.           enjoying a little moment of star-gazing.

(PEBBLES enters at the other end with a microphone
and a big smile.)

PEBBLES     That’s right, Bronze and Golden!
.           I’m here at the beach, and even though
.           it is bright and sunny, people can still
.           come here to star-gaze.  Of course, we’re
.           talking about movie and television stars.
.           And I’m one of them!
.           Back to you, Bronze and Golden!

(PEBBLES exits.  BRONZE faces forward again.)

BRONZE      Always a pleasure seeing you, Pebbles.
.           In other news-breaking news tonight,
.           we make the news AGAIN - on the red carpet.

GOLDEN      It must be time to check in with
.           our beautiful field reporter, Rosy McCloud!
.           Making a splash, I see.

(ROSY enters at the side holding a microphone,
and spinning around to show off.)

ROSY        Thank you.  Hey, y’all.  How’s it going?
.           As you can see, I’m here on the red carpet.

(POP SINGER stands beside ROSY ready to talk.)         10

ROSY        Oh and with me now is some famous pop singer.
.           (to POP SINGER)  Ah, hi-ya.  First of all,
.           the most important question of the evening-

POP SINGER  (dryly)  Really?  Really, I really don’t care
.           about all that– at all. But if you must know-
.           Wong. Stephen Wong.  Okay?  Now,
.           let me tell you about my latest pet-project
.           that has – really touched my heart
.           in the deepest way possible,
.           as more people – more than you might realize–
.           SUFFER with this horrible condition.
.           Therefore a tiny percentage of all proceeds
.           from my next CD-compilation-

ROSY        Another compilation CD?-Really?  I mean,
.           nothing new or original in the works?

POP SINGER  (pulling the microphone towards them)
.           I’ve been very busy with my pet-projects.
.           As I was saying, a very tiny percentage
.           of my next CD-compilation
.           of my very greatest of greatest hits-
.           taken from my greatest hits CD
.           will go to help struggling artists
.           who were born with - webbed - toes.

ROSY        Okay.  So much for that-

POP SINGER  (grabbing the microphone away now)
.           But just think about it, they would
.           NEVER be able to EVER wear flip flops
.           or trendy fashionable sandals – EVER!

(ROSY struggles to get the microphone back.
POP SINGER finally walks away with cool indifference.)

ROSY        Okay now.  Fine.  That’ll- be all -
.           Oh, that is tragic, when you think about it.
.           I mean – NEVER wear trendy sandals - EVER!
.           (quickly starts gushing)  Oh and now look-
.           look who we have right here. An up and coming
.           hot new movie star in the making!

(MOVIE STAR enters and ROSY gets excited.
As ROSY puts the microphone out to MOVIE STAR,
MOVIE STAR tries to avoid it.)

ROSY        We just really want to know if you’re      11
.           dating anyone really famous or interesting-

MOVIE STAR  No comment.

ROSY        Or tell us - what was that hospital stay
.           all about last month.  Huh?
.           Webbed-toes, perhaps?

MOVIE STAR  Wha?  Who told-  ahhhh, no comment.

ROSY        So you’ve had some plastic surgery!
.           What else?  What else have you had done?
.           Ear lobes?  Your ear lobes look fantastic,
.           by the way, and a lot shorter.  No need
.           to be embarrassed, we’ve all been there-

MOVIE STAR  Look, it’s none of your business, okay?
.           My life is not THAT interesting.
.           Apart from the million dollar parties,
.           and little jaunts around the world-
.           (motions to their clothes like a quick ad)
.           or wearing expensive clothes by Michael Kors-
.           I’m just an ordinary person.  Okay?
.           I wish you people would just leave me alone!

(As MOVIE STAR feigns a struggle to pass by and exit,
he/she slip some money into ROSY’S hands.)

MOVIE STAR  (aside)  And keep up the good work.

(MOVIE STAR rushes away with ROSY yelling after him/her.)

ROSY        Hey!  Where are you going?
.           Don’t you realize who I am?
.           I make and break the stars, baby!
.           (quickly feigns recovery from her anger fit)
.           Well, that’s why we’re here, folks!  To ask
.           the hard questions.  This is not an easy job,
.           people.  Because we have to do all this –
.           WHILE looking REALLY good.

BRONZE      Which brings us to our next top story!
.           WHO made this years’ top ten list
.           for the best dressed?  None other than
.           our Rosy McCloud! That’s who!

GOLDEN      So Rosy, obviously, we have to know!
.           since once again you are looking
.           like a million bucks!  Who are you wearing?
.                                                      12
ROSY        It IS a million bucks.  Today – I’m wearing
.           Coco Chanel!  And jewelry from Dior.
.           I also have to thank all the wardrobe people
.           and my personal stylists.  As well
.           as our producers who understand just how
.           important it is for us to look this good.

BRONZE      Congratulations, Rosy. You really deserve it!

(ROSY exits and BRONZE and GOLDEN turn forward.)

GOLDEN      What an exciting evening we’ve had tonight.
.           And tomorrow will be just as exciting.
.           We’ve got a headline story for you called
.           “Bronze- Behaving Badly in the Bahamas”!
.           You’ve made tomorrow’s top story, Bronze!

BRONZE      That’s what I get for going on an
.           all-expense paid trip to the Bahamas.

GOLDEN      Got to thank the creative team and the
.           marketing department for that one.

BRONZE      You’ll definitely want to hear all about it,
.           so come back tomorrow to “News at 7:30-ish.”

(ALL freeze while GROUP 1 gives their reactions.
Once finished, you can return to your table.)


PERSON 2    Ahhh, so wait – let me get this straight,
.           these reporters are making the news
.           and then pretty much reporting news
.           about themselves?

PERSON 1    And just think, we could become famous
.           for commenting on the way we comment
.           on how they report on themselves.

PERSON 3    (long pause while thinking)
.           It’s blowing my mind.

PERSON 4    I know my life will never be the same again.

PERSON 1    Time to kick things up with... YAY!
.           (reading)  “Famous People Try to Dance”.

.                                                      13
PROPS:      microphone
.           CELEBRITY 1   (older, washed-up star,
.                          if you can, have fun
.                          and impersonate someone)
.           FLAMENCO      (Latin, super confident)
.           CELEBRITY 2   (older, washed-up star
.                          if you can, have fun
.                          and impersonate someone)
.           TANGO         (French, sultry)
.           FAN           (fanatically crazy)


(HOST enters, holding a microphone.)

HOST        TONIGHT!  on “FAMOUS PEOPLE – Try to Dance”!
.           We have just seen our two remaining couples
.           featured in both the rumba,
.           and a Bollywood routine.
.           Before you vote, let us interview
.           our dance couples now.

(FLAMENCO escorts CELEBRITY 1 onto the stage.
FLAMENCO dotes on CELEBRITY 1 who limps and
tries to shake out a charley horse.)

FLAMENCO    It’s okay, sí?  You will live?
.           Now, put your other foot forward again,
.           like dees...  ee dees...  ee dees...

HOST        Here is our first couple now,
.           Professional dancer, Flamenco Mansata
.           and our celebrity, (_______________)!
.           How do you feel after this last dance?

CELEB 1     How does it look like I feel?

FLAMENCO    S/he look so good.  Sí-sí?
.           Always good, s/he look.
.           I make her/him look berry good.
.           We see dat dees dances are – toff.
.           Berry toff.  So I make dance
.           easy for her/him – and I make her/him
.           look berry, berry good.  S í?
.           I do dees – ee dees – ee dees

(On “dees”, FLAMENCO releases CELEBRITY 1 to strike    14
some big poses.  CELEBRITY 1 almost topples and looks
around for something to hold onto, and grabs the HOST.  
HOST nods politely, agreeing with everything.)

HOST        And how do you think you did?

CELEB 1     I’m not going to lie.  It was not easy.
.           But – even though I got a charley horse here,
.           and - pulled something over there –
.           probably wrenched my knee a bit –
.           DEFINITELY did a number on my hip –
.           oh, and suddenly I feel a bruise
.           down on my heel that wasn’t there before-
.           (tries to stand up a little straighter now)
.           But other than that – I mean -
.           I know I did the best I could.  
.           And if all my fans out there realize
.           just how much work I put into these numbers
.           they’ll vote for me.  Please vote for me.
.           I- I could use a bit of cash right now.
.           I haven’t done a movie in – well –
.           a long time.  I just hope you remember me-
.           you know, from – back in the day.

FLAMENCO    We dance like dragons.  Like hot dragons!

(FLAMENCO makes a motion with the hand,
striking a pose.)

HOST        Okay.  Yes you did.  But was it enough
.           to out-dance our other couple?

(HOST motions for FLAMENCO to escort CELEBRITY 1 out.
TANGO enters with CELEBRITY 2, who is bent over double,
wheezing, trying to catch his/her breath.
TANGO stands aloof and disinterested, but standing
fairly close to CELEBRITY 2.)

HOST        Professional dancer, Tango Marcelle,
.           and celebrity, (___________________).  How
.           do you think you did in those dance numbers?

TANGO       I no like to call ‘em numb-AIRS.

HOST        Oh, yes-yes, that’s right.  I remember,
.           they are dance routines.

TANGO       I dance exception-ALL.  Ho-kay?  I make
.           ‘er/‘eem dance the way dey should.  No mercy.
.                                                      15
(CELEBRITY 2 pants and wheezes the entire time,
while using big hand-motions to express her/himself.
TANGO remains aloof and unimpressed.)

CELEB 2     (wheeze)  No mercy-
.           (wheeze)  We did-
.           (wheeze)  so much-
.           (wheeze)  the practice-
.           (wheeze)  and FAST-
.           (wheeze)  so fast-
.           (wheeze)  the feet-
.           (wheeze)  breathing-
.           (wheeze)  just breathe-
.           (wheeze)  but this-
.           (wheeze)  was good-
.           (wheeze)  lost four-
.           (wheeze)  forty pounds-
.           (wheeze)  so - proud!
.           (wheeze)  falling down now-

(CELEBRITY 2 falls to the ground, panting.
HOST nods while watching and talking.)

HOST        I’m assuming you want your fans
.           to vote for you.

(CELEBRITY 2 tries to hold up a thumbs-up.)

TANGO       Tumbs-up.  Dats how you say- ‘yes’.
.           Oui?  (pronounced “we”)

HOST        I wish you two all the best.

(If you can safely do this,
TANGO drags CELEBRITY 2 off the stage,
while CELEBRITY 2 holds up another thumbs-up
then waves while still wheezing.)

HOST        They all worked extremely hard on
.           their numbers – sorry – routines.
.           Now how about we get some reactions
.           from the fans.

(FAN rushes up to grab the microphone, waving.)

FAN         Hi Mom!

(FAN promptly switching gears and begins to gush.)

FAN         So good!  I love them both.                16
.           I think both should win.
.           Both deserve it so much.  So much!
.           I can’t even imagine learning these dances
.           every week and remembering everything.
.           Like, at their age, and everything.
.           I know I couldn’t even do that now.
.           You just have to see it to believe it.
.           I’m so excited to be here in person.
.           This is like a dream come true.  Really!
.           I really do need someone to pinch me.

(FAN keeps talking while HOST pulls the microphone away
and even while HOST pushes FAN off the stage.)

HOST        How about instead I do this...

FAN         Thank you so much for letting me say
.           something.  Like, I’m like the biggest fan,
.           ever.  And you can find my real comments
.           on my fan-blog at hashtag “biggest-fan-blog-
.           for-famous-people-who-try-to-dance-and-CAN!”

HOST        Why couldn’t we have more fans like that?
.           Right?  Well, maybe they are out there.
.           And if you are – please vote now!
.           Your votes are like gold to us.  More like
.           money in our pockets because it’s about
.           as important as ratings.  One in the same.
.           So – please-please vote.  So, thank you
.           and see you next time for the results.

(HOST freezes while GROUP 1 gives their reactions.
Once finished, you can return to your table.)


(PERSON 3 lets out mock-laughter.)

PERSON 3    Eh-eh-eh-eh.

(PERSON 4 barks.  Then PERSON 2 scratches shoulder.
PERSON 1 watches this and sneezes.)

PERSON 2    I don’t know who’s in more pain,
.           me or those washed-up celebrities.

PERSON 4    I could probably do better.

PERSON 2    Probably?                                  17

PERSON 3    Well, we do have a video of you dancing.
.           We could do the comparison.

(PERSON 4 barks again.  PERSON 2 scratches again.
PERSON 1 quickly looks forward to talk.)

PERSON 1    Even though I’d still love to see that,
.           those celebrities are next to professionals.
.           There’d be no comparison.  I love them.

(PERSON 2, 3 and 4 look at PERSON 1 like they’re nuts.
Then PERSON 2 looks down at the list to read...)

PERSON 2    All right then.  Let’s – move on – to –
.           (reading)  “Survive This”.

PERSON 3    But what’s it called?

PERSON 2    That is what it’s called.
.           It’s called – “Survive This”.

SET:        small table at lower stage left
PROPS:      pot, 5 pieces of paper, pen
ROLES:      DOG        (honorable but overly aggressive)
.           PEPPER     (mousy, on the edge of losing it)
.           TERRY      (everybody’s friend)
.           ANDREW     (cryptic, sly, non-expressive)
.           BARBARA    (crazy, suspicious)
.           CLIFF      (antagonistic host)


(DOG, PEPPER and TERRY enter.  DOG is all wound up.)

DOG         What were we all doing during that
.           challenge?  Huh?  Someone dropped the ball.

PEPPER      It wasn’t me.  Don’t look at me.

DOG         Now we have to vote someone out.

TERRY       That is the game.  Every week this happens.
.           So let’s not worry.  We’ve got 3 against 2.
.           Next to go should be our biggest threat.

PEPPER      You talking about Andrew the Android?
.                                                      18
TERRY       I’m actually thinking Barbara the Barbarian.
.           She’s way more of a threat.

(TERRY quickly clams up as ANDREW and BARBARA enter.)

DOG         Without question it should be Andrew!
.           Are you crazy?!  I think you’re all crazy!
.           (points to TERRY)  I think YOU’RE crazy!
.           (points to PEPPER) And YOU’RE crazy!
.           (points to ANDREW) And you’re- kind of crazy!
.           (points to BARBARA) And you are REALLY crazy!

BARBARA     (gets into DOG’S face)  Oh, you want crazy!
.           You’re going get crazy, because I intend
.           to drive you crazy.  That will be my mission.
.           Besides winning all the money,
.           I am going to make it my mission
.           to drive you crazy.

DOG         Go ahead and try – but just know – that-

(TERRY calmly pushes DOG away to the side.)

TERRY       Dog, please! chill out.  Come on, Dog,
.           this is no way to make friends.  Okay?
.           It’s just a touch of island fever, is all.
.           And everything’s actually okay.  You’ll see.
.           Now, go do your cha-cha-tah moves.

DOG         WHAT?!

TERRY       That toe-joe-me stuff.

DOG         Dude, what are you talking about?

TERRY       You know, what you do – to calm yourself –
.           when you make those
.           why-lee-guy-pan-chow moves and poses.

DOG         Dude, it’s t'ai chi ch'uan.

TERRY       Whatever.  Go calm yourself.

DOG         You’ve got my back, though, don’t you?
.           Remember the pinky-swear.

TERRY       I have your back, Dog.  I have your back.
.           A pinky-swear is a pinky-swear.
.           I take those very seriously.
.                                                      19
(DOG exits and TERRY turns to the rest of the GROUP.)

TERRY       So we’re voting off Dog, right?

ANDREW      It has to be clean.  Squeaky clean.
.           This blindside must remain covert
.           until the deed is done.

PEPPER      But what if he finds out?

ANDREW      He will only find out, if you tell him.
.           So it is very easy – do not tell him.

PEPPER      Will you stop talking like a robot!
.           It’s freaking me out.

TERRY       It’s okay, Pepper.  He’s not a robot.

PEPPER      (aside to TERRY)  But – we call him –
.           Andrew the Android.

BARBARA     What are you two whispering about, huh?
.           (to ANDREW)  They might have other plans.

(DOG returns and gives a secret handshake to ANDREW
and BARBARA.  CLIFF enters with authority
and stands by the table.)

CLIFF       It is voting time.  Which means –
.           we first have to talk about it.

(GROUP stands in a line at center stage.)

TERRY       Hi Cliff.  If this wasn’t a vote,
.           I’d say it was good to see you.

(BARBARA, ANDREW, DOG and PEPPER all roll their eyes.
CLIFF points at everyone.)

CLIFF       Terry, I don’t know if you caught all that.
.           Everyone rolled their eyes at you.
.           Do you think that means they find you
.           too nice – and therefore a threat?

TERRY       They’re all good people, Cliff.  All my life,
.           people have been rolling their eyes at me.  
.           It just means they’re listening,
.           because they care.

(BARBARA gags at the drippy-ness of the comment.)      20

CLIFF       Barbara – you gagged at that response.

BARBARA     I did?  I think- a bug just flew in my mouth.

CLIFF       Are you sure?  Barbara?  Barbara-
.           are you aware that everyone calls you
.           Barbara the Barbarian behind your back –

BARBARA     Really?  I love it!  Yeah, I’m barbaric.

CLIFF       That doesn’t concern you?  You don’t think
.           that’s maybe a term to signify that
.           you’re a threat – meaning – you’re a target?

BARBARA     (angrily)  Everyone’s a target.
.           I just better not be the NEXT target!

(DOG laughs then sighs.)

CLIFF       Dog!  We hear you laughing.  That’s
.           a pretty gutsy outburst if you ask me.
.           Do you think anyone takes you seriously?

DOG         They have no choice, Cliff.
.           I give them no choice.  My word is my bond.
.           I swear on everything I say, and what I say-
.           I stand for, and what I stand for is my word.

CLIFF       That sounds a lot like double-talk, Dog.
.           Double-talking equals being a threat.  Means-
.           you’re a target.  Now, who really talks
.           FOR you? Huh?  Who’s the real mastermind?

(PEPPER winces and claps a hand over her mouth.)

CLIFF       Pepper!  You’ve got something to say?

PEPPER      No.  I don’t.  Please don’t point me out.
.           I am innocent.  I’ve done nothing
.           to upset anybody.  I’m on everyone’s side-
.           I mean no one’s side – I mean –
.           a promise is a promise.  I give you my word!

CLIFF       Pretty hard to know what that word means,
.           isn’t it, Pepper?  Sounds like you’re
.           an ally-flipper.  Huh?  Do you flip from
.           one alliance to the other?  You’re a threat
.           to everyone, right?  Are you the target?
.                                                      21
(PEPPER gasps quietly then broods and remains silent.)

CLIFF       So you’re going to try to remain silent,
.           like – Andrew the Android, here.  Andrew,
.           you don’t think your cool and collected
.           silence - comes across as a threat?
.           Therefore making you a target?

ANDREW      I – will – remain – cool – and – collected.

CLIFF       Okay then, time to vote.

(ANDREW goes to table and pretends to write down a name.
Holding it up he delivers his soliloquy – therefore
Andrew’s speech can be written on the back of this paper.
Same action and thing for everyone else.)

ANDREW      I think I speak for most of the group
.           when I say – you need to go.

(ANDREW puts his paper into the pot, then returns
to his spot.  ALL take turns to do the same.)

TERRY       You’ve got guts, I’ll give you that.
.           And ah, but always remember that I like you.
.           Well, I like everyone, but remember – that
.           this is nothing personal.  But- well-
.           you are maybe just a bit of a showoff.  
.           And, you’re kind of becoming a bully.  So,
.           since I only like to surround myself with
.           nice people who give off the best vibes-
.           You – and I really hate to say it, but –
.           you - must be the next to go.

BARBARA     I really cannot stand you.  But I refuse
.           to vote based on emotions.  So- this is
.           purely strategic.  You have a big mouth, and
.           I have to be thinking about my own game.
.           And for this reason – I’m voting you off.

DOG         Ahhh wow, you know– if I’m right, I’m running
.           the entire show and calling all the shots.
.           But if I’m wrong, I’m probably the swing vote
.           here.  Either way, tonight, you are
.           the one going home, my friend.
.           And I use that term very loosely.
.           I’ve never made any promises to you,
.           so I can’t even feel guilty about it.
.           Enough said.  Except: my word is my word.
.                                                      22
(PEPPER is next, and she has now lost it.)

PEPPER      I can’t take it anymore.  I know it’s me.
.           Everyone’s plotting against me. So- I’m done.
.           It’s finished.  It’s all over.  I’m through.
.           I just want to go home.  I vote out - myself.

(PEPPER returns to her spot.  CLIFF goes to the table
to pull out the first paper.)

CLIFF       The votes are in.  Let’s see what they are.
.           The first vote is against- Pepper!

(PEPPER steps forward, rigid.  EVERYONE ELSE looks
at each other, confused.  CLIFF looks at the next paper,
then the next, and the next, and the next – confused.)

CLIFF       This is certainly a first for “Survive This”.
.           Ah, I’m confused. I don’t know what to say-

ANDREW      THAT seems like a first!

CLIFF       Ah - yeah – ahhh - I – have been voted out.
.           I – really don’t know what to do next...

(CLIFF slowly leaves.  GROUP all grins, and high-fives
each other, except for PEPPER who looks very shocked.
ALL freeze while GROUP 1 gives their reactions.
Once finished, you can return to your table.)


PERSON 3    Ha-ha-ha– awesome, vote out the host.
.           But I think Dog needs to go next.

(PERSON 4 barks.  P.2 scratches an arm.  P.1 sneezes.)

PERSON 1    Wow, I did not see that one coming!

PERSON 2    But WHAT exactly are they surviving?
.           Huh?  They get maps and food and prizes-

PERSON 3    Duh!  They have to survive
.           the uncertainty of politics.

PERSON 1    Well, I don’t know how they do it.
.           I always get so thirsty when
.           I watch that show.
.                                                      23
(PERSON 1 drinks something.  Meanwhile,
PERSON 3 says “glug-glug-glug-glug...”)

PERSON 2    (to P.3)  What is wrong with you?

PERSON 4    Moving right along, it’s “Brother at Large”.

SET:        small table at stage left, 4 chairs
PROPS:      tiara, boa, headband with dog ears
ROLES:      PSYCHO     (college boy with party attitude)
.           BROOK      (suspicious, disgruntled)
.           JOCK       (college boy with jock attitude)
.           FARRAH     (mousy, oblivious)
.           MATT       (happy-go-lucky attitude)
.           JEWELS     (antagonistic host)


(BROOK, JOCK, FARRAH and MATT all sit down.
BROOK and FARRAH each wear either the tiara or the boa.
PSYCHO stands at the head of the table.)

PSYCHO      It’s time now for me as the house master
.           to declare my danger nominations and why.
.           This week I declare that Farrah is in danger,
.           because - you are a very strong player.
.           and therefore a big threat.

(JOCK gaffaws.)

FARRAH      (softly to herself)  How am I a threat?
.           I’m like the smallest threat of everyone.
.           Like, I’m, like, so small – and weak.
.           And, like, no one realizes –
.           I, like, cook dinner every night.  You guys,
.           like, never hear anything I, like - say.

PSYCHO      Next, I declare that Matt is in danger.
.           But not really.  Because Matt,
.           you’re a good guy, and everyone likes you,
.           so you should probably be safe.  Wink-wink!

BROOK       Are you guys planning to back-door me?

FARRAH      It’s no use, Brook.  They can’t hear us.
.           It’s like, they can’t hear our
.           higher voice frequencies or, like, something.
.                                                      24
PSYCHO      So with THAT the nomination ceremony is over.
.           AND NOW, as house master, I must deliver
.           the punishments that resulted from
.           our last challenge.  Jock, you were dead-last
.           which means you can only...
.           eat - pork rinds for the rest of the week.

(BROOK and FARRAH laugh.)

JOCK        Again?  Seriously?  Any more of this and
.           my totally ripped muscles are going to become
.           totally un-ripped!  See, they’re becoming
.           totally less and less ripped as I watch.

(JOCK makes a muscle to admire and study.)

PSYCHO      Matt, you came up with the woof card,
.           so you get to wear the dog costume.

(PSYCHO hands MATT the dog ears headband.
MATT puts this on happily.)

MATT        Awesome.  I get the dog costume,
.           AND I get nominated for danger.

PSYCHO      BUT – get ready for the safety game,
.           where anyone of you can win the safety card.
.           Come on!  Let’s go.

(PSYCHO leads the way to center stage
where the group all stands in a tight circle.  
It becomes a confusion of people saying
“rock-paper-scissors – rock-paper-scissors”
while PSYCHO randomly says “out” – “out” – “out” –
and finally...)

PSYCHO      Winner!”  Matt wins the power of safety.

BROOK       You guys fixed that game somehow.

FARRAH      Let it go, Brook.  We’re obviously, like,
.           so, like, invisible.

PSYCHO      Matt, you still have to be the dog, but with
.           your power of safety - what do you choose?

MATT        Duh!  Psycho, I choose to be safe.
.           You must now choose someone else
.           to be put into danger.
.                                                      25
PSYCHO      Awesome!  So now I declare that
.           Brook is in danger.  Because she’s a girl
.           and therefore a threat.

BROOK       None of this is making any sense.  But see!
.           I knew they were planning to back-door me.
.           I guess I don’t even have time to prepare
.           a good defense strategy and speech?

PSYCHO      Because it’s now time for the
.           voting-out ceremony.

(JEWELS enters and stands stage left.)

JEWELS      Hi everyone.

GROUP       Hi Jewels!

MATT        You’re looking gorgeous, Jewels.

JEWELS      Thank you, Matt.

BROOK       Why don’t you guys ever compliment us?

FARRAH      (sing-songy)  We are, like, invisible.

JEWELS      Is that why you girls always dress up
.           so glamorously for these things?

BROOK       No Jewels.  For one, we’re always on TV,
.           so we want to look good for the people
.           who really control our destiny.

FARRAH      And BECAUSE, like, maybe if we look
.           like, really good, a producer will, like,
.           want us in their movies.

JEWELS      One can always hope.  Anyway, it is time
.           to vote.  Guys, who will be in danger
.           of leaving us tonight?  Give it some thought
.           while I talk to the TV audience for a moment.
.           (turns to address the audience)
.           As you know, there are surprises around
.           every corner, and last time we asked you
.           to vote for the person who should have
.           the super power card.  The results will be
.           revealed just as soon as the vote is in.

(JEWELS turns back to the group, speaking firm again.)
.                                                      26
JEWELS      Okay.  Guys, remember – surprises could be
.           just around a corner on “Brother at Large” –
.           so be careful.

(PSYCHO, JOCK and MATT huddle together to discuss.)

JOCK        What could THAT mean?

MATT        Could someone else be coming back in?

JOCK        Maybe somebody’s big brother?

PSYCHO      Dude!  We keep telling you,
.           there are no actual brothers in this game.
.           Anyway, just stick to the plan, okay?

(GUYS)      (chant while raising their arms together)
.           The three musketeers!

BROOK       So not original.

FARRAH      I KNEW they had, like, an alliance.

JEWELS      Okay, guys, on the count of three, point
.           to the one who is in danger of leaving. One-

(PSYCHO, JOCK and MATT all point at BROOK.)

JEWELS      Good enough.  Brook, they have chosen you
.           to leave.

BROOK       I KNEW they were going to back-door me!

JEWELS      BUT we have just turned a corner and –
.           surprise – this just might help you out.

(GUYS)      (angry)  WHAT?!

JEWELS      Our viewing audience recently voted
.           for the person who should receive
.           the super power card.

(GUYS)      WHAT?!

PSYCHO      It just better be one of us.

JEWELS      And the recipient of the super power card is-
.           BROOK!

(GUYS)      WHAT?                                      27

BROOK       See!  THAT is why we get all dressed up.

JEWELS      So Brook, you have the super power card
.           which allows you to choose to stay.
.           WHAT do you want to do?

BROOK       Uh, I choose to stay???

JEWELS      That means – Farrah – you must leave.

BROOK       Ugh!  Sorry, Farrah.  Sorry- don’t be- bye?

(BROOK tries to hug FARRAH as she exits, but
FARRAH puts out her hands to prevent any of that.  
FARRAH walks like a zombie up to JEWELS.)

JEWELS      Well, Farrah, it has been quite a journey-
.           but maybe another surprise is just around
.           the corner.  

FARRAH      (rambling)  This wasn’t supposed to happen.
.           I, like, cooked for them.  And they, like,
.           promised me I was not going to leave.  That-
.           like, I was one of the three musketeers-

JEWELS      Then there would have been FOUR of you.

FARRAH      I was so stupid to like, trust them.

JEWELS      But as I said, another surprise could-

FARRAH      I could have spent my time sun tanning
.           instead of cooking and cleaning for them.
.           (breaking out into tears)  Like, I gave up
.           my acting career to be on this show-

JEWELS      Are you sure you’re not trying to audition
.           for something right now?

FARRAH      Those were like, real tears.

JEWELS      Okay-okay.  But as I was saying, there
.           could be another surprise.  You never know.
.           You could get back in the game.  Because
.           that’s how it goes with “Brother at Large”.

(ALL freeze while GROUP 1 gives their reactions.
Once finished, you can return to your table.)
.                                                      28


PERSON 4    What?  WHAT?  I did not understand that.

PERSON 2    It’s more like “Oh Brother.”  Huh?  Huh?
.           That’s what THAT should be called.

PERSON 4    Except, where is the brother?  Huh?
.           Which one was the brother?

PERSON 1    We’re the brother.
.           The ones who are watching
.           and deciding their ultimate fate.

PERSON 3    We could decide the fate of the show
.           by not voting.  Or better yet –
.           not watching!

PERSON 1    Hey!  I love this show. If you think
.           it’s so easy, then you should try it.

PERSON 3    At least the guy with the dog ears
.           was funny.

(PERSON 4 barks.  PERSON 2 scratches their own head.)

PERSON 1    Okay-okay, the next show is
.           “People Trying to be Models”
.            (realizing)  I LOVE that show!

SET:        3 small tables in a row at stage left,
.           3 chairs
PROPS:      paper to act as “photos”, 3 little papers
ROLES:      MYRA           (fun and clever host)
.           CAT            (skeptical fashion expert)
.           MARIO          (snobby photographer)
.           MODEL 1        (catty, overly confident)
.           MODEL 2        (shy, lacks confidence)
.           MODEL 3        (good student, tries to hard)


(MYRA enters from stage left and stands at the center
of the tables forming the panel and spreads out arms.
CAT and MARIO sit on either side of Myra.)

MYRA        And we’re back.  You just saw ads          29
.           from some of our awesome sponsors.
.           Thank you.  We like to name all of those off
.           throughout the show as often as possible.
.           So let’s continue now with our show –
.           “People Trying to be Models”.
.           I’m your host and ex-supermodel, Myra Blank.
.           With me - is fashion expert, Cat Claws,
.           and the noted fashion photographer,
.           Mario San-ja-men-noh-ni!  Someone who helped
.           make me become very famous and rich,
.           when I was much, MUCH younger.  NOW let us
.           introduce you AGAIN to our model wanna-bes.

(MODELS 1, 2, 3 enter and stand at upper center stage.)

MYRA        Hello girl/s (and boy/s).  We are down to
.           the final three people trying to be models.
.           Isn’t this exciting?  The winner will receive
.           a bit of money, because in all likelihood –
.           even the winner would never really make it
.           as a model in the real world.

(CAT and MARIO both nod knowingly.)

MYRA        But our panel of judges are here to critique
.           our model wanna-bes so that they might just
.           stand a little chance of at least getting
.           some modeling work with local catalogues –
.           you know, the ones who want to demonstrate
.           what their clothes look like on real people.
.           But we must remember, being a model
.           is not about being beautiful.
.           It is always about selling the clothes.
.           So let’s begin with our FIRST
.           model wanna-be, Ba-ba-deary.

(MODEL 1 steps forward.  CAT laughs.)

CAT         Ba-ba-deary, honey child!
.           Did you just make that up and
.           change your name so you would stand out?

MODEL 1     Isn’t that what most models do, Cat Claws?

CAT         They do try to find clever names, though.
.           Models are more intelligent than you think.

MODEL 1     Well, I am clever.  And I will be a model.
.           And I’ll keep changing my name until I am.
.                                                      30
MYRA        But what’s most important is-
.           can you walk and can you take
.           an excellent photo?  SO,
.           we’d like to see you give us an example
.           of a fun runway walk, BEFORE you
.           approach the panel to be critiqued.

MODEL 1     I’ll show you a walk.

(MODEL 1 does an exaggerated strut with exaggerated poses
causing CAT and MYRA to have to hide their giggling fits.
MODEL 1 ends with a final dramatic pose in front
of the panel’s table.  MYRA finally composes herself.)

CAT         Have mercy, Ba-ba-deary!  Child!
.           What was that?  Subtlety goes a long way.
.           You must glide.  Yes?  Glide as if you are
.           a walking clothes hanger.

MODEL 1     Clothes hangers would probably walk
.           like this.

(MODEL 1 walks by pivoting legs around as if their feet
were tied to each end of a long bar.)

CAT         No one likes a smart-alec-model.

MODEL 1     You JUST said models were smart.

CAT         I said, “clever” – there’s a difference.

MYRA        Just take note, no one wants to work
.           with a confrontational diva-wanna-be
.           before she’s actually reached the top
.           of the big-diva-ladder... and even then!

MODEL 1     Got it!  Be the quiet-clever-clothes hanger.

MYRA        We will now critique your photo shoot
.           that you had with Mario.

(PANEL studies some “photos.”)

MARIO       I must-a say – I no a-like shooting her.
.           I would a-like-ah – perhaps –
.           a-shoot her wit a gun, instead-a.
.           S/he was a-most annoying.
.           S/he-a constantly a-tell me a-what to do.
.           I no-a like that-ah.
.                                                      31
MYRA        Ba-ba-deary, when it comes to photo shoots,
.           the photographer is the boss.
.           But – I have to say – you still
.           got a fairly good photo out of it.

MARIO       That is-a only because-a what I-a do.
.           I am-a – the-a king-a.

MYRA        Thank you, Ba-ba-deary.  Sandy Evans,
.           let’s see your fun runway walk.

(MODEL 1 goes back into line.  MODEL 2 shyly steps out,  
then walks a very straight line with very small steps
without moving the arms at all, and without
any expression except for maybe wide-eyed fear.
CAT and MYRA don’t even try to hide their giggling fit.
MODEL 2 ends with a little curtsy of a pose.)

MYRA        (now composed)  Oh, Sandy Evans, if that’s
.           what we wanted, you’d almost be cute.

CAT         Sandy, I fail to understand.
.           You’re so scared- why in the world
.           do you want to be a model?

MODEL 2     (looking down, talking fast and monotone)
.           I think it will help me as a person
.           to step out of my comfort zone
.           and try something really scary.

CAT         Well, child, if I could just shake you loose
.           and kick you around into a broken-down-state
.           in order to build you back up again –
.           you’d still be a jelly-bundle of nerves.

MYRA        That is one way to put it.  I on the
.           other hand would just tell you to pretend
.           that we’re all just sitting here on the john-

MODEL 2     I’ve tried that.  It just makes me
.           more scared.

MYRA        Okay then, let’s see how you did
.           on the photo shoot.

MARIO       This is-a so sad-a.  It’s a very sad-a.
.           She a start to-a cry-a, then I a-start
.           to-a cry-a.  I-a no understand-a.
.           What-a makes her-a so sad-a?
.                                                      32
MYRA        But at least this photo makes us
.           FEEL something.  Isn’t that what we want?

CAT         This photo is actually more editorial.

MARIO       Sure-a.  But-a, perhaps-a for a magazine’a
.           photo for-a little lost-a orphans.  Sí?

MYRA        Thank you, Sandy.  And last but not least,
.           is Andi Blandy.

(MODEL 3 does a sultry walk and ends with a pose,
with extremely puckered lips.)

CAT         Andi, Andi, you were doing so well,
.           and then you did the duck-lips.  Noooooo,
.           you should never do that.  Ever!  Promise us,
.           never do that ever again.  Remember,
.           don’t TRY to be sultry, just BE sultry.
.           Sultry without trying.  Plain and simple.
.           It should be clean.  And pure.  But not.

MODEL 3     Sorry. Next time I’ll try– I mean– NOT - try–

MYRA        Otherwise good.  Let’s move on
.           to your photo shoot.

MARIO       Not-a bad-a.

MYRA        I think that means, pretty good.

MARIO       Sí.  A-pretty good-a.  But not-a bad-eh.
.           But-a – you must-a stop with-a fish-lips.

MYRA        Definitely don’t want to see no duck-lips.
.           No to duck-lips - on the runway –
.           or in a photo.  Relax the mouth –
.           but intensify the eyes!  Like me!  

(MYRA strikes a pose with intense eyes.  
MODEL 3 quickly tries to copy.)

MYRA        No!  More like THIS.

(MYRA strikes another pose.  MODEL 3 tires to copy.)

MYRA        Almost, but FIERCE, like THIS.

(MYRA strikes another pose.  MODEL 3 tires to copy.)
.                                                      33
MARIO       You must-a practice a-more in a mirror-ah.
.           And-a do not-a try to look-a
.           like-a yourself-a.

MYRA        Thank you, Andi.

(MODEL 3 returns to the line, while MYRA, CAT and MARIO
form a half-circle huddle and speak very quickly.)

MYRA        Now we will discuss everything
.           that we just discussed.  Ba-ba-deary?

CAT         Oh dear!

MARIO       Too much-a confidence-ah, but has a-nothing.

MYRA        Sandy-

CAT         So sad.

MARIO       Has-a everything, but-a no confidence-a.

MYRA        Andi-

CAT         Weeeell-

MARIO       She tries-a, but-a tries too a-much-ah
.           with a-goose-lips-a.

MYRA        Yes, always with those duck-lips.
.           Well, we know NONE of them will
.           ever make ANY real money in this business,
.           so WHO - will make our show more interesting
.           so WE - will make more money?

(MYRA, CAT and MARIO huddle even closer and
mumble quickly – then settle on someone.  
MYRA swings around with style and faces the MODELS.)

MYRA        3 wanna-be-models stand right there –
.           WHO – should stay?  And WHO – should go?
.           After a heart-wrenching discussion,
.           we have decided that...

(While MODELS hold hands in nervous anticipation,
MYRA stops to think.)

MARIO       (aside)  I thought-a we said-a Sandy.
.           Or-a Andi.  No?
.                                                      34
MYRA        (turns aside)  I thought Ba-ba-deary?

(CAT holds out her hands to MYRA with 3 little papers.)

CAT         Doesn’t really matter.  Here, just pick one.

(MYRA picks a paper and looks at it.  Then quickly
turns back to the MODELS intently.)

MYRA        It is time for Andi to leave us.
.           Because – ah...

MARIO       All your-a pelican-lips-ah.

MYRA        (remembering)  Duck-lips.  Yes,
.           we cannot have a model doing duck-lips.

(MODEL 3 gasps with a distraught face.)

MARIO       (motions to MODEL 3’s face) Ah, see that-a!
.           That-a is a face maybe I want to a-shoot.

CAT         Too late now.

(MODELS 1 and 2 grin big, then quickly with a sad face,
hug MODEL 3, who is now totally, completely distraught.)

MYRA        There-there.  We must say good-bye.

(PANEL speaks as they hug MODEL 3.)

CAT         You were never going to make it anyway.

MARIO       Perhaps you’d be a-good at a-glass-a-blowing.

(ALL freeze while GROUP 1 gives their reactions.
Once finished, you can return to your table.)


PERSON 1    LOVE!  This just shows you
.           how difficult the fashion industry is.

PERSON 2    This is why parents need to be
.           more truthful to their children.

PERSON 4    So did YOUR parents tell you
.           that you knew all the answers?
.                                                      35
PERSON 2    Yeah- hey!  Maybe I actually do.

PERSON 3    (reading)  Maybe it’s “TIME to Find Someone!”

PERSON 1    Who are we looking for?

PERSON 3    The next show is “Time to Find Someone.”

PERSON 4    What for?  I mean, do we have to?

PROPS:      microphone, towel, sweatband, tissue
ROLES:      HOST        (distinguished)
.           BRUCE       (the eager production assistant)
.           SHEIKH      (actually just a regular guy)
.           REGINA      (the rich snob)
.           GINGER      (the hungry actress)
.           MARIANNE    (the pretend homemaker)


(HOST enters with microphone and kicks things off.
BRUCE is at the sidelines in front staying vigilant
and pretending to help direct things.
Most of the time BRUCE is sitting on his haunches
to stay out of the way, but pops up now and then.)

HOST        Well, it is “Time to Find Someone”!
.           Our Prince of Arabland is down to
.           three ladies.  Which one will he pick?
.           First, let us bring in Achmad Sheikh.

(BRUCE waves SHEIKH onto the stage and motions where
to stand.  SHEIKH wears a towel and headband on his head.
The very serious SHEIKH enters and bows a few times
with just a head nod, while HOST feigns clapping.)

HOST        Achmad Sheikh, throughout our endless season
.           of sixty-nine intense episodes,
.           you have finally narrowed down your
.           selection to just three ladies –
.           in your search to find someone- as something!
.           Either as a wife, a fiancée or a girlfriend!
.           It is now TIME to choose –
.           What and who is it going to be?

(HOST puts microphone to SHEIKH who doesn’t move at all.)
.                                                      36
HOST        No pressure.  Yet!  If necessary,
.           the producers are willing to draw out
.           the season by at least ten more episodes.
.           So then, let us help you
.           in your decision-making-time, and
.           bring out the three potential princesses
.           First, we have Regina!

(REGINA enters and remains just as stoic as SHEIKH.)

HOST        Achmad Sheikh, why is Regina still here?

(HOST puts microphone to SHEIKH who doesn’t even move.)

HOST        Ah, Regina, so, you like your men mysterious?

REGINA      I don’t care much about that.
.           But - I cannot hide the fact
.           that I, myself, am already extremely rich.
.           Why I find Achmad very attractive
.           is because he can relate to me
.           on this one critical path – or– level –
.           as some people put it.  I believe we’d have
.           a great partnership in this business venture
.           of establishing a relationship based on
.           a feasibly acceptable best-practices pitch.
.           That, and “princess” would look
.           really good on my resume.
.           Thus, I’d be crazy not to invest–
.           or accept – as some would say-
.           if any type of proposal was put forward.

(SHEIKH nods his solemn approval to this statement.)

HOST        Classy!
.           (aside to BRUCE)  Why is she still here?

(BRUCE shrugs and shakes his head.)

HOST        Next, we have Ginger!
.           Come on out, Ginger.

(GINGER enters and strikes a few glamor poses.)

HOST        Wow.  Look at you!

GINGER      Yes, please do!  I do not mind at all.

HOST        But, does Achmad Sheikh mind?
.                                                      37
GINGER      If he does, he better learn how to deal
.           and just get used to it.
.           People cannot help but look at me.

HOST        Achmad, could you really deal with that?

(SHEIKH just stands there, brooding.)

GINGER      And people are going to be watching me
.           when I am up on the silver screen,
.           just as Achmad promised.

HOST        So you are wanting Achmad to choose you
.           because you want him for his money?

GINGER      Not for his money.  How shallow
.           do you think I am?  I want him to choose me
.           so I can make it big in Hollywood.
.           He owns some of it, I think.
.           Which means, we have a LOT in common.

HOST        How romantic!

GINGER      Thank you.

HOST        And last but probably not least, is Marianne.
.           Marianne, please come out and join us.

(MARIANNE enters and sweetly blows a kiss
in SHEIKH’s direction.)

HOST        Marianne, Marianne.  How can someone like you
.           remain so sweet – while on a show like this?

MARIANNE    I can only be myself.  Host-guy-person.
.           So if I only be myself, then I cannot change.

HOST        Please tell us what you see in Achmad Sheikh.

MARIANNE    Achmad is just someone I could cook for,
.           every day!  Whatever his favorite food is,
.           I would learn how to cook that,
.           just like his momma made – because -
.           it would be my life’s mission
.           to make his palace a real home.  Even if
.           that means redecorating every single room.

HOST        Achmad – anything else you want to say
.           to these women before you make your choice?
.                                                      38
SHEIKH      I do...  I... am... NOT... Achmad –
.           Shake – Sheek – or however you say that name.
.           This thing that I’m wearing,
.           whatever you call it,
.           it’s only a towel and a headband.

(SHEIKH removes the towel and headband.  WOMEN gasp.
BRUCE discretely takes the towel and headband away.)

SHEIKH      My name is really – Ed.  Ed Smith.

REGINA      Are you even rich?

SHEIKH      No!  I still have school debt.

(REGINA walks in tiny circles for a while with her
hand up, then with a shake of her head, she walks off.
GINGER finally breaks down sobbing hugely.)

GINGER      But – but you still own Hollywood, don’t you?

SHEIKH      Seriously?

GINGER      You were naming all those movies!

SHEIKH      Yeah, I have a big collection of DVDs.

GINGER      I – cannot.  I just – cannot.  No!  No.

(BRUCE quickly stands up to hand a tissue to GINGER.  
GINGER rushes off crying.  MARIANNE continues to brood.)

HOST        Marianne, any reaction to this latest
.           turn of events?

SHEIKH      I was going to choose you anyway, Marianne.
.           Who I was – that WAS still me.
.           I normally don’t talk that much, anyway.
.           And we seemed to really it off,
.           and you were so sincere-

MARIANNE    I only said I was going to do all
.           those things – because I thought you would
.           never let me do all those things.
.           I never really wanted to do all
.           those things – EVER.

SHEIKH      What happened to you always being yourself?

MARIANNE    Yeah, well, you kind of pulled             39
.           a fast one on me, there, yourself,
.           didn’t you...  Ed?  Was it?

SHEIKH      So then - was it really me you wanted?
.           Or just the idea of me?

HOST        Folks, remember that we saw a side story
.           unfold, as Marianne needed help
.           with the broken down carriage ride,
.           the missing secret personal chef,
.           then the wilting, drooping balloons
.           at the party she planned for Achmad –
.           I mean – Ed.  And who kept coming
.           to her rescue?  (looks at MARIANNE)

MARIANNE    (says with smitten voice)  Bruce.

SHEIKH      Who is Bruce?!

HOST        That would be our production assistant.
.           Bruce Carney!  Come over here, Bruce.

(BRUCE stands up, pointing to himself, unsure,
then as HOST points, goes to stand beside MARIANNE.
They both smile at each other.)

HOST        So – it was TIME for someone to find someone!

SHEIKH      Wait, was this a set up within a set up?
.           I better not become the next joke.
.           I’m done, then.  Good bye.  That’s right.
.           I don’t need anyone.  I was going to dump
.           the girl anyway.  I’m not ready
.           to settle down and commit.  See?
.           Nothing is real in reality T.V.

HOST        (looking at MARIANNE and BRUCE)
.           Except the love that you two found.

SHEIKH      BLECH!  Are you serious?!
.           What did you ever see in him?

(SHEIKH storms off.)

MARIANNE    He’s very helpful.

BRUCE       Well, that’s my job.  I am a production
.           assistant for the television show.

REGINA      (rushes in)  A job!  You have job!         40
.           Hey, I like man with job security.
.           What are the benefits to your plan?

GINGER      (rushes in)  And you work
.           at a TELEVISION station!  What kind
.           of connections do you have in this industry?

(While everyone talks, GINGER poses for the “camera”.)

HOST        Well, folks, it looks like
.           we will be having a few more episodes
.           after all.  Come back next week
.           to find out which of these three women
.           Bruce is going to choose! -
.           because it’s his TIME to find someone!

(ALL struggle to hug BRUCE.)

BRUCE       What?  Hey, no way.  I - I just better
.           get paid extra for doing this.

REGINA      I love a man when he talks money.  Gr.

GINGER      I can be anyone you want me to be.

MARIANNE    Hey, hands off!  He’s mine!  I saw him first!

(ALL freeze while GROUP 1 gives their reactions.  
Once finished, you can return to your table.)


PERSON 2    Mm, THAT – was really good!

(ALL look at PERSON 2, confused.)

PERSON 4    What?!

PERSON 2    The dessert!  This was really good.

(ALL nod and say “ahhh” knowingly.)

PERSON 1    You can have mine, if you want.

(PERSON 1 pushes her dessert to PERSON 2 who
continues eating.  P.3 adds the sound effects
of chomp-chomp-chomp...)

PERSON 3    Wow, moving right along...                 41

PERSON 4    Oh, ah (reading)  Oh great – up next is –
.           “Unreal Real Housewives”.

PERSON 1    I love that show!

SET:        6 chairs
PROPS:      cellphone/s, 6 coffee cups
ROLES:      LAVENDER    (feeling slighted)
.           MINDI-LEE   (overwhelmed)
.           NORTHA      (likes to show off)
.           SERENE      (likes to stir the pot)
.           TERRACOTTA  (peacekeeper type)
.           YOYOLO      (playful and carefree)
.           JENNIFER    (quiet and shy)


(HOUSEWIVES are all sitting around in a semi-circle,
all holding coffee cups.  ALL are either sipping coffee,
twiddling their thumbs, looking around the air,
or texting...  Until MINDI-LEE thinks of something.)

JENNIFER    I made a cake yesterday.

(Long pause of silence.)

MINDI-LEE   Oh, I forgot to tell everyone.
.           Jaydon lost - his first tooth.

ALL         Ohhhhh.

(Long pause of silence.)

LAVENDER    (suspiciously)  When was this?

MINDI-LEE   Yesterday.

(Long pause of silence.)

LAVENDER    Right, but – when, exactly?

MINDI-LEE   I’m not sure.

TERRACOTTA  What does it even matter?

LAVENDER    I just want to know.
.                                                      42
JENNIFER    The cake did not look like the picture.
.           At all.

LAVENDER    (clears throat)  I’m waiting, Mindi-Lee.

YOYOLO      (to MINDI-LEE)  Just make up a time.

TERRACOTTA  That would not be right.
.           You shouldn’t just make things up.
.           If she doesn’t know,
.           then she doesn’t know.
.           We should just accept that.

LAVENDER    Oh – she knows.

MINDI-LEE   It was right after dinner, okay?

LAVENDER    (angrily)  Interesting.

SERENE      How is that interesting?
.           No offense, Mindi-Lee.  But,
.           we all have kids,
.           they all lose their teeth.

LAVENDER    Mindi-Lee said she couldn’t come for coffee
.           yesterday afternoon because
.           her son had just lost a tooth.
.           But as you just heard her say,
.           it actually happened after dinner.

MINDI-LEE   Wow.  Okay.  Just – wow.
.           I said that - Jaydon’s tooth was loose
.           and that he would probably lose it.
.           THAT – was in the afternoon.

JENNIFER    Does anyone care about my cake?

NORTHA      (thinking of something)  Does anyone know
.           how to get mascara stains out of a blouse?

LAVENDER    We’re in the middle
.           of something important here.

NORTHA      My issue is important.
.           I just bought that blouse at Old Navy.
.           I paid full price, too.

YOYOLO      Ooooo, aren’t we getting classy.
.           Old Navy!
.                                                      43
SERENE      So what is wrong with K-mart?
.           Too good for that now?
.           Are you too good for us now?

NORTHA      I’m still here with you all, aren’t I?

TERRACOTTA  AND we’re all invited to her daughter’s
.           birthday party at Chucky Cheese.
.           Did you not get the invite?

YOYOLO      Oooooo, even classier.  Chucky Cheese!
.           AND you’re sending out - invites?

NORTHA      It’s an E-vite – and it’s free.
.           Pardon me for just trying to be a little
.           tech-savvy.

SERENE      Tech-savvy?  What’s with the city-talk?
.           Do I even know who you are, anymore?
.           Did you win a lottery, or something?

(Long pause of silence...)

JENNIFER    The cake still tasted okay.

(Long pause of silence...)

YOYOLO      DID you win the lottery?

TERRACOTTA  If she did, it’s really none of our business.

SERENE      Why not?  If we’re friends,
.           we should share everything.
.           This is important, Northa.
.           You need to tell us everything.

NORTHA      Seriously?  You are going to out me now?
.           Here?  So everyone will know?

LAVENDER    What could be so bad?  Certainly,
.           it’s not as bad as lying to a friend.

MINDI-LEE   Lavender!  I did not lie.  I just –
.           didn’t have a lot of time to go into
.           any great detail.  Can you just let it go?

LAVENDER    I don’t know.  That really hurt my feelings.

MINDI-LEE   You misunderstood me.  How is that my fault?
.                                                      44
NORTHA      (confessing)  All right!
.           I won a thousand dollars at Bingo.
.           Now you all have something to talk about.

YOYOLO      Wow!  Cool.  A thousand dollars!

TERRACOTTA  Better not spend all of it.
.           You probably have to pay taxes on that.

SERENE      Terracotta, MUST you always?
.           I mean, you’re always so practical.
.           Could you not just lighten up
.           and let us enjoy our moments?

TERRACOTTA  Lighten up?  You’re always the one
.           to antagonize the situation.

YOYOLO      “Always” is NEVER a good word to use.

MINDI-LEE   So is “never”.

YOYOLO      Wow.  Okay.  Sensitivity time or what?
.           I thought we were here for a good time.
.           And to have some coffee.

(ALL take a sip of coffee.  Long pause of silence...)

JENNIFER    I’m thinking of trying to make
.           the cake again.

(Long pause of silence...)

SERENE      (to NORTHA)  So YOU play Bingo?
.           I would never have suspected.

(NORTHA shakes her head, not wanting to get into
anything else at the moment.)

SERENE      Uh-huh.  So how many times do you play?
.           Once a week?  Twice?  Every day?  Are you...
.           addicted?  Should we hold one of those –
.           what do they call ‘em – interventions?

NORTHA      I do not need an intervention.

TERRACOTTA  Are you sure?  Because that’s what
.           an addict would say.

NORTHA      I do not need an intervention.
.                                                      45
LAVENDER    Are you sure?  Because, Northa,
.           you like everything to be about yourself.
.           And an intervention would
.           be totally focused just on you.

NORTHA      I do not need - an intervention.

LAVENDER    But do you WANT an intervention?

MINDI-LEE   Maybe we all need interventions –
.           for being addicted to rudeness.

LAVENDER    Oh snap.

SERENE      Ooooo, now look who’s pulling out
.           the city-talk and getting sassy.

JENNIFER    Do any of you have an easy cake recipe
.           that I could try?

(Long pause of silence.  Finally Jennifer thinks of
something very interesting and lights up with a smile.)

JENNIFER    I heard that the town’s square dance team
.           is on Main Street giving away free PUPPIES.

(ALL wilt with gushiness and say “aw” sincerely.
ALL freeze while GROUP 1 gives their reactions.
Once finished, you can return to your table.)


PERSON 3    Whoa, that might be the most real –
.           reality show I’ve ever seen.

PERSON 2    It’s not like that.

PERSON 1    It is like that.  Kind of scary.

(PERSON 4 barks.  2 itches an arm.  PERSON 1 sneezes,
then takes a drink.  PERSON 3 says, “glug-glug-glug”.
PERSON 1 puts down glass and reads.)

PERSON 1    Hey!  “Project Draw Stuff” is next!

PERSON 2    Let me guess – you love that show.

PERSON 1    I LOVE “Project Draw Stuff”!!!
.                                                      46

SET:        4 chairs, table at stage left
PROPS:      baseball, dog leash, vase with flowers,
.           4 papers/sketchbooks, 4 pens and/or brushes
ROLES:      DÉJÀ VU    (supportive understanding host)
.           FEIGN      (confused)
.           INTEL      (extremely introspective)
.           MISTY      (very positive)
.           CAUSTIC    (emotional)


(DÉJÀ VU enters to address the ARTISTS as well
as the audience.)

DÉJÀ VU     Hello everyone, we’re back again with another
.           “Project Draw Stuff”, and I’m Deja Vu.
.           Today’s challenge must incorporate the theme–
.           leisurely activities of the future.  

(DÉJÀ VU motions to the table at stage left has
a baseball, dog leash, and vase of flowers on it.)

DÉJÀ VU     To help you with your inspiration,
.           we have here a baseball, dog leash,
.           and vase of flowers.

CAUSTIC     What does it mean, exactly?

DÉJÀ VU     I don’t know.  That is for you to figure out.
.           It takes place in the future,
.           so you can totally make it up.

(MISTY holds up her hand.)

DÉJÀ VU     Yes, Misty?

MISTY       Can it be happy?

INTEL       This girl needs help.

CAUSTIC     Art is supposed to be dark, man.

DÉJÀ VU     I don’t know.  I think happy art
.           would be a refreshing change.  Go for it.
.           (looking around)  Is everyone ready?

FEIGN       I need specifics.                          47

DÉJÀ VU     The inspiration for this drawing challenge
.           will be this baseball, a dog leash,
.           and this vase of flowers.  Make of it
.           what you will.  Is that specific enough?

FEIGN       Whoa!  That just blew my mind.

INTEL       Oh!  I’ve got, like, tons of things
.           happening in my brain right now.

(As the ARTISTS sit down and start to draw or think,
DÉJÀ VU walks around, talking.)

DÉJÀ VU     Good.  Because you only have 6 hours
.           to complete this challenge.  And - go.
.           You can start now.  And as you work,
.           I will walk around and give you feedback.
.           As you all know, being critiqued
.           is part of an artist’s life, and can help
.           inspire, direct, and improve your work.
.           Of course, you can take the advice
.           for what it is.  Or leave it, it’s up to you.

(DÉJÀ VU steps behind FEIGN to observe.)

DÉJÀ VU     Feign, how are you doing so far?

FEIGN       Ah!  Don’t talk to me.  I’m on a roll.
.           I’ve got it all figured out.
.           It’s going to be great.  I can see it
.           right now – in my head – and – ugh!
.           This looks nothing like what’s in my head!
.           What am going to do now?!
.           If only I could scan my head.  

DÉJÀ VU     You can simply draw what you see –
.           in your head.

FEIGN       (studying hands)  But my hands and fingers
.           are not connected with the brainwaves.
.           Somewhere - I’m experiencing a glitch.
.           Something - is causing an interference-

DÉJÀ VU     You mean like a writer’s block?

FEIGN       It’s not a block.  Because I can see it!
.           (points out)  See?  It’s right there.
.           So it’s a glitch.
.                                                      48
(FEIGN motions with hands trying to
actually grab ideas from his/her head.)  

FEIGN       If only I could get at it.
.           It’s right thhhh– wait!
.           (looking right at hand)  That’s it.

(FEIGN slowly lays hand onto the paper and traces it.)

DÉJÀ VU     At least you have an idea-

FEIGN       Sh!  I’m busy.

(DÉJÀ VU puts up defense-hands and moves on to INTEL.)

DÉJÀ VU     Intel, tell me about your idea?

INTEL       I am using contrasting colors to show
.           the juxtaposition of these themes
.           which normally are considered compatible
.           to emulate the struggles within our souls.
.           Baseball evokes a feeling of failure –
.           being picked last for a team.
.           Lone dog leash evokes sadness –
.           for a long lost puppy.  And flowers –
.           evokes horror – the thought
.           of having to weed the garden.

DÉJÀ VU     You don’t think you’re being too literal?

INTEL       What I think is irrelevant.

DÉJÀ VU     So you’re NOT putting any thought into this?
.           Wait, I’m confused.  

INTEL       You SHOULD be confused.  Can’t you see –
.           this is all about confusion and indecision
.           all within the scope of their commonalities
.           to produce the emptiness that is leisure.

DÉJÀ VU     Okay then.  Sounds like you know
.           what you’re doing.

INTEL       But I don’t.  Who really does?

DÉJÀ VU     Okay - carry on then.

INTEL       But only just a little bit.

(DÉJÀ VU quickly moves on to ever chirpy MISTY.)       49

DÉJÀ VU     Hey, Misty.

MISTY       Hi.

DÉJÀ VU     How is your drawing coming along?

MISTY       It’s like – whoa – and then – you know –
.           it’s there – and then it’s not –
.           but I feel it.  Are you feeling it?

DÉJÀ VU     Its – definitely got some edge to it.

MISTY       Edge to it?  You can’t be serious.
.           Then I’ve missed the mark.  The mark –
.           which is round and soft and curvy and
.           blends with the universe – fuzzy-like –
.           and floaty.  Totally and completely ethereal.
.           Do you dig it now?

DÉJÀ VU     Well, you do realize - to dig something,
.           requires something sharp.

MISTY       RIIiiiiight.  The sharp thing that digs
.           into the fluff of life.  But when it tries
.           to stop the flow, it cannot,
.           because the power is only assumed.  Nice!

DÉJÀ VU     Okay.  As long as you’re happy with it.

MISTY       Dude!  I’m always happy.

(DÉJÀ VU moves on to look at CAUSTIC’s work.)

DÉJÀ VU     Caustic?  Are you having problems?

CAUSTIC     I don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m
.           at my wits end, and I cannot take it anymore.
.           I’m being portrayed as a loser,
.           but I don’t even care.  This is not me!
.           This show - is not me.
.           The show is trying to change who I am.
.           So I have lost my focus.
.           There are no more parameters
.           in which I feel comfortable.

DÉJÀ VU     It looks like the drawing is taking shape,
.           though.  I actually like where this is going.

CAUSTIC     Then take me there.  I mean – me.          50
.           Where am I?  What am I doing here?

DÉJÀ VU     You’re – on a show trying to win money
.           based on your drawings.

CAUSTIC     But that’s just it.  What is that?
.           What is life?  What do I mean
.           when I say “mean”?  Who are you to say
.           this is valid?  Or why would anyone care?

DÉJÀ VU     Fair enough.  But people like art,
.           and they study art, and some buy art –
.           because it produces some sort of emotion.

CAUSTIC     But - I feel nothing, therefore
.           there is nothing.  THIS – is something!
.           So it does not represent my work!

(CAUSTIC crunches up the paper, then holds it up.)  

CAUSTIC     THIS - represents my work.

DÉJÀ VU     But you caused that to happen – so then –
.           don’t you think something of yourself exits?

CAUSTIC     (studies the crunched paper)  You’re right.
.           This is my finished project.

FEIGN       (noticing)  Hey, no way, man.  The challenge
.           was to do a drawing, NOT a sculpture.

(FEIGN watches closely as CAUSTIC puts a very small dot
onto the crunched up paper then holds it up.
FEIGN nods head in admiration.)

MISTY       Nice.

DÉJÀ VU     Brilliant.  Brilliant.  I think
.           you’ve got it.  I think you’re done then.

(ALL freeze while GROUP 1 gives their reactions.
Once finished, you can return to your table.)


PERSON 4    That was a few minutes-ish
.           that I’ll never get back.

PERSON 1    Come on!  That is art!                     51
.           You can’t just make that stuff up.

PERSON 2    But, yeah, actually you can.

PERSON 3    (reads)  So here’s a show about people
.           who actually create real things
.           that can be used.  “The Goldfish Bowl”.

PERSON 1    (unimpressed)  Oh.

PERSON 2    What?  You don’t LOVE that show?

SET:        5 chairs in a row “facing” demo table
PROPS:      5 notebooks/scripts & pens for the GOLDFISH;  
.           – tray, drink container with label, 5 cups;
.           – vacuum cleaner
.           – bag of bagels;
.           – toys;  square “toy” box maybe on wheels
.             with hooked on conveyor ramp (can all be
.             cardboard because it’s all pretend anyway);
.           PAY-DIRT;  LUCKY


(HOST enters to deliver introduction.)

HOST        “The Goldfish Bowl” – where poor
.           and desperate entrepreneur-want-to-be’s
.           get a once in a lifetime chance
.           to pitch their business ideas and inventions
.           to REAL entrepreneurs who have
.           truckloads of their own money.
.           The hope is to get investment backing from
.           one of THESE filthy rich goldfish tycoons.

(DEVON enters and sits while HOST introduces him.)

HOST        Devon O’Dreary - aka Mr. Amazing –
.           turned a ten dollar bet into
.           a trillion dollar fortune
.           after figuring out how to make
.           fresh lemons out of old lemonade.

(DAYLIGHT enters and sits.)                            52

HOST        Daylight Dawn,
.           fashion manufacturing mogul
.           of the fairly universal knee-high socks
.           and undershirt label.  S/he doesn’t dare
.           tell us her/his net-worth because s/he says
.           we wouldn’t believe it anyway.

(BOBBY enters and sits.)

HOST        Bobby Herbivorinskisteinbec,
.           child of an immigrant tentmaker,
.           has wheeled-and-dealed their way
.           to becoming the owner of half the world.

(CHER enters and sits.)

HOST        Cher – that dollar bill oh so – Green –
.           is the queen of the infomercial airwaves!
.           She hoards patents and grosses over
.           a billion dollars in retail sales alone.

(MARKY enters and sits.)

HOST        And the one and only MARKY BARKY –
.           our boastful and boisterous
.           billionaire investment guru and proud owner
.           of the pigmies peewee water polo league.

(GIVE-ME enters with a tray holding 5 [weighed down] cups
and a drink container labeled “Miracle Yum”.)

HOST        First into the goldfish bowl is Give-Me Cash.
.           They are pitching a miracle drink
.           named “Miracle Yum”.

GIVE-ME     Hi Fish!  My name is Give-Me Cash.
.           I am the CEO, CSO and COO of “Miracle Yum”.
.           I am seeking 5 million dollars in exchange
.           for one percent equity in my company.

MARKY       Are you kidding me?
.           5 million for one percent?  Are you nuts?

GIVE-ME     I’m completely serious, Marky Barky, sir!
.           (hands out a cup to each goldfish.)

DEVON       Are you actually trying to compete against
.           my world-renowned patented lemonade?
.                                                      53
GIVE-ME     One taste, Mr. Amazing, and you will all
.           want a piece of this amazing pie.

(GOLDFISH all sniff and taste it.)

DEVON       But we’re not talking about pie, here,
.           are we, Give-Me?

DAYLIGHT    Ew!  This is horrible.  What is it?

GIVE-ME     If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

CHER        This stuff could beat you to it.

DAYLIGHT    Except you HAVE to tell us what’s in it –
.           it’s the law.

GIVE-ME     It’s a secret ingredient.  But -
.           you have to understand, everyone needs it.
.           Take it every day, you’ll never get sick.

CHER        Have you had tests done to support
.           your claims?

GIVE-ME     I drink it every day!  And look at me!
.           Come on!  This will make a fortune.

DEVON       By throwing 5 million away for one percent?

GIVE-ME     Not a penny less, or a percent more!
.           That’s how much I believe in “Miracle Yum”.

DEVON       You are dreaming.

MARKY       So what he’s (she’s) saying is –
.           it will make a person delusional.
.           I believe I can speak for all of us here,
.           and say, “no thank you!”

(GIVE-ME exits.)

CHER        That was ridiculous.  What an insult.

(DESPERATE SLEAZE-BALL enters pulling a vacuum behind him
trying to hide the product.)

HOST        Next into the goldfish bowl is Desperate
.           Sleaze-Ball-

DAYLIGHT    You’re trying to sell us a vacuum?         54

DESPERATE   Negative!  It is the technologically
.           advanced, highly super powered, all-purpose
.           Negative-Space-Be-Gone!

(DESPERATE now fully reveals the vacuum.)

DAYLIGHT    It’s a vacuum.

DESPERATE   This invention can be worn on your back,
.           carried, pushed, or wheeled along behind you
.           as you move around – removing all negativity
.           from your personal space.  It cleans up dirt,
.           purifies the air, removes insects,
.           gets rid of irritants, and as a bonus –
.           can nullify noisy crying as it
.           lulls your babies to sleep.
.           As your children get older, you can clean up
.           all their little bitty toys, then pour
.           them into some handy-dandy sieve
.           to rinse them clean.  It practically babysits
.           and tidies for you, all at the same time.

DAYLIGHT    It’s a vacuum, and we’ve already got those.
.           You need to get out of here.

DESPERATE   All I’m asking for is fifty dollars
.           and a bus ticket to get home.

DAYLIGHT    You mean your vacuum cannot drive you home?

CHER        Somebody forgot to eat their breakfast-

DAYLIGHT    I don’t have time to eat.  And I don’t have
.           time to listen to such ridiculous pitches.

CHER        Still, you don’t have to be so insulting.

(DESPERATE hangs his head and exits, sadly pulling
the vacuum behind him.  PAY-DIRT enters while holding
a bag of pre-sliced bagels behind his back.)

HOST        Next into the goldfish bowl
.           is Pay-Dirt Peters – who refuses
.           to give us any insight into his idea.

PAY-DIRT    That’s because it’s the next best thing since
.           sliced bread!  It’s FULLY sliced - bagels!
.           (revealing the bag of bagels)
.                                                      55
DAYLIGHT    It’s a horrible idea.

BOBBY       Now, wait a minute – do you know
.           just how many injuries come into an ER
.           every single day because someone
.           has sliced off their hands while
.           trying to cut even a semi-sliced bagel?
.           Right?  Why NOT cut them through completely?

PAY-DIRT    Exactly!  That’s why I’m asking for
.           a trillion dollars for 50 percent.
.           I’m being generous there with that last bit.

CHER        It’s a good idea, but you’re asking for
.           a ridiculous amount.

BOBBY       What did you make last year?

PAY-DIRT    A billion dollars.

DEVON       Impossible.  Either you’re lying
.           or you’re nuts.

CHER        Tell me that you at least own the patent
.           to all the machines necessary
.           in order to carry out this service.

(PAY-DIRT remains sheepishly quiet.)

CHER        This is ridiculous.  Get out of here.

(PAY-DIRT exits.)

DAYLIGHT    Let me guess, you felt insulted?

(LUCKY enters carrying a box with a lid – folded double –
which is on wheels, and contains little toys.)

HOST        Last into the fishbowl is Lucky Circus.
.           Her life may seem like a circus,
.           but she has learned how to juggle
.           being a homemaker while pursuing a career.
.           She is now CEO of her little venture,
.           “Mommy’s Little Helper.”

(LUCKY dumps the contents of the box all over the table.)

DEVON       Whoa!  That’s something I like to avoid
.           around my house.
.                                                      56
LUCKY       And that was my motive for designing and
.           building “Mommy’s Little Helper.”  How much
.           time have we spent trying to motivate
.           our children to clean up their toys?
.           How many times have we hit the roof
.           after stepping on a little block?

(ALL GOLDFISH raise their hands.  
LUCKY pulls out a long piece of cardboard, or whatever,
which is folded in half.  It should be about twice
as long as the box on wheels is high.  This prop
does not have to actually work.  In fact,
it would be funnier if it didn’t.)

LUCKY       Well, with Mommy’s Little Helper,
.           your child will want to become just that –
.           because it’s fun to clean up
.           using Mommy’s Little Helper.
.           (demonstrates while speaking)
.           This conveyor belt, which is the product,
.           folds in half - for easy storage,
.           but unfold it and hook it onto the sides
.           of any toy box on wheels.
.           (can just hold it in place)  As you -
.           or better yet – your now-willing child –
.           pushes the toy box along, the conveyor belt
.           picks up the toys and brings it up
.           and drops it right into the box.

(LUCKY picks up toys with the other hand, and moves them
one at a time up the conveyor belt with happy animated
emotions, then drops each piece into the toy box.)

LUCKY       Once a particular toy box is full, attach
.           Mommy’s Little Helper onto another toy box –
.           until all the toys are picked up.

MARKY       You forgot to mention what type of backing
.           you were looking for.

(LUCKY smiles coyly.)

CHER        Or she was smart to forget mentioning that.
.           It’s a great idea and everyone’ll want that.

MARKY       I know I want to get a piece of the action.

DEVON       But now, it wasn’t exactly in great
.           working order.
.                                                      57
LUCKY       This is only the proto-type.  I require
.           your expertise in development, production,
.           and marketing as well as connections-

DEVON       Your coming to us right now
.           is a little premature.  We’d be crazy
.           to get involved in something
.           at such an infantile stage of development-

BOBBY       Mr. Amazing, you can bow out of this deal,
.           that will be fine with the rest of us.
.           I think there will be interest despite that,
.           and we don’t need the competition.

DEVON       Well, then, don’t count me out just yet.

DAYLIGHT    You just said this was too infantile
.           for you.

CHER        Perhaps it’s actually beyond him.

DEVON       It’s never beyond me if there’s
.           any chance to make money.

MARKY       But is this business scalable?

LUCKY       Um, what does that mean?

DEVON       This is too premature.  I’m out.

DAYLIGHT    Can you build on this branding idea?
.           Do you have other products which would add
.           to your concept of “Mommy’s Little Helper”?

LUCKY       Of course – I have –

DAYLIGHT    Don’t give away anything else.  Here is
.           my offer:  one thousand for 75 percent.

CHER        Well my dear, you’d be selling your soul
.           with that offer.  Besides, with my
.           connections I can help you patent
.           your product.  I’m offering one million
.           for only 50 percent.

MARKY       What’s the catch?

CHER        Sh!  Marky Barky!

MARKY       Cher Green.                                58

CHER        We would sell your product line exclusively
.           on my infomercial network channel.

MARKY       THAT’S the catch!  Classic!

CHER        But it’s a convenient one.  I bring to her
.           not only the patent contacts but the
.           marketing strategy.  We’re not goldfish
.           for nothing.

LUCKY       Okay.

DEVON       Hold on! I offer you one and a half million-
.           for 60 percent-

MARKY       I’m thinking about the possibilities
.           of future applications.
.           I’m offering two million for 60 percent-

CHER        Why would she do that if she has my offer?
.           You know I have the better offer,
.           AND I’d be the better fit.

DEVON       Why?  Do you have a girls-thing
.           going on, there?

CHER        Lucky – your name will explain itself
.           if you take my offer.

LUCKY       Done!

(CHER shakes hands with LUCKY.)

DEVON       Aw, Lucky, the only person who’s lucky
.           with this deal - is Cher.

(ALL freeze while GROUP 1 gives their reactions.
Once finished, you can return to your table.)


PERSON 1    (sneezes)  I need to get one of those.
.           Actually, I’d buy every product just seen.
.           Even the vacuum that wasn’t a vacuum!

PERSON 3    I hate vacuums.  (makes vacuum noises)

PERSON 4    (barks)  I hate vacuums, too.              59

PERSON 3    (scratches)  Can’t live without them,
.           though.  What’s next?

PERSON 1    (reading)  “Real People – Real Quirks”.

(PERSON 1-4 react along with their counter-parts, but
try not to, or subtly try to tell each other to be quiet.
You’ll understand when you see the skit done.)

SET:        4 chairs
PROPS:      breakfast bar, bottle of water


(SNEEZY, ITCHY, FX and ARF sit in semi-circle.)

HOST        Welcome to “Real People – Real Quirks”.
.           Today we’re eavesdropping in on
.           a support group.  Let’s see
.           how quirky people can actually get.

ARF         Hi, my name is Arf, and I struggle with
.           Social Anxiety Disorder.  Since I was five,
.           I cannot – eat or drink around other people.

FX          I don’t believe it.  I need to see that.

ARF         I - can’t.

(HOST slowly, slyly puts a breakfast bar and water bottle
in front of ARF.  FX takes them and holds them out
to ARF with a dare.)

FX          You must do it!  I insist.

ARF         This is supposed to be like a support group,
.           not a bully-session.

FX          (gently coaxing)  I am being supportive.
.           I understand.  And I want to see you
.           try to conquer your fear.

ARF         Maybe I don’t want to.

FX          Go on.  You can do it.
.                                                      60
ARF         Promise you won’t look?

FX          Sure.

(ARF cautiously opens the bar and bits it, trying to hide
the chewing.  FX makes loud chewing sound effects.)

ARF         Stop that!  What are you doing?

FX          Nothing.

ARF         Yes you are.

FX          Now you have to try drinking.

ARF         Promise not to look – OR make any noises?

FX          Sure.

(ARF cautiously takes a drink, and FX makes loud
glug-glug noises.  ARF now starts to bark.)

ARF         Why do you have to do that?
.           (barks again)

FX          I can’t help it.  I HAVE to add
.           sound effects to things.
.           That’s my thing.
.           Why are you barking?

ARF         I don’t know.  –
.           (bark) – I guess –
.           (bark) - I have another thing.  I just –
.           (bark) – bark, when I feel –
.           (bark) – insecure.

(ITCHY has started itching at the sound of barking.
SNEEZY starts to sneeze during ITCHY’s speech.
FX makes noises like scratching or just says

ITCHY       PLEASE stop barking.  I get itchy
.           anytime I see a dog, or hear a dog,
.           or hear noises that dogs make, or
.           hear the word – “dog” – or –

(As ARF becomes more insecure about seeing particles
flying around the air, s/he barks.)

SNEEZY      Please, everyone, stop talking about -     61
.           (sneeze) and stop behaving like dogs.
.           (sneeze) - Dogs are dirty.  They have –
.           (sneeze) – flees and stuff.
.           (sneeze) - Dogs scratch away particles -
.           (sneeze) – which are released into the air.
.           (sneeze) – particles all around us!
.           (sneeze) – They’re coming for me.
.           (sneeze) – They’re always coming for me!

HOST        Wow, isn’t this fun?

(ALL freeze while GROUP 1 gives their reactions.
Once finished, you can return to your table.)


PERSON 2    (scratching)  That is so ridiculous.
.           Nobody is actually like that.

(PERSON 1 sneezes, then takes a drink.
PERSON 3 does the sound effects of glugging.)

PERSON 4    Ugh, - (bark) - that kind of sounds like us.

PERSON 3    Naw-aw.  Reality TV is so fake.
.           They just make up all that stuff.

PERSON 1    (sneeze) – It’s Reality TV – at its finest.


(MAIN HOST walks on clapping, encouraging everyone
to join in, then gives parting words something like...)

MAIN HOST   Congratulations, everyone.  Job well-done.
.           I hope you all had a lot of fun.
.           I certainly did.  Thank you all for coming,
.           and have a great week.