. all rights belong to Tanis Harms –
. refer to www.church-skits.com
TO GO WHERE MOST MEN DON’T – written by Tanis Harms
TOPIC: loving your neighbor
SCRIPTURE: Deut.6:5, Lev.19:18, Luke 10:25-37
Style: satire/conversation: spoof on Star Trek,
. the captain tries to take the crew
. to new places, but is drawn to the
. problems in their own neighborhood
Cast: CAPTAIN SHIRK (dad),
. LIEUTENANT YOU’RE RIGHT (mom),
. NURSE CHAPSTICK (daughter),
. MR.SPUNK (son)
Set & Props: 4 chairs, maybe a console
(ALL enter with CAPTAIN leading the way.)
CAPTAIN We are ready – to go –
. where most men do not go.
NURSE Do we have to?
LIEUT. Listen to your captain when he gives an order.
CAPTAIN One might think that you had
. more important duties.
NURSE I was hoping to shop with my peeps
. at the mall.
CAPTAIN We must maintain focus
. on our mission.
MR.S And, ah, what exactly is our mission?
CAPTAIN We are going to go –
. where most men do not go.
MR.S Got that - but what does that mean,
. exactly? ‘Cause I could be hanging
. with my friends right now.
CAPTAIN We are going to go – out there –
. and survey the environments around us –
LIEUT. Wait, we’re not actually going out
. to look for a new house are we?
CAPTAIN Questions from my lieutenant?
LIEUT. I’m just saying, I’m kind of content
. with our home right now. I finally
. got it decorated just the way I want it.
CAPTAIN No, I’m not talking about moving.
. I’m talking about - going out and doing –
. what we were challenged to do
. by our Master Commander- to go
. where most men do not go –
. looking for those in need of our help.
LIEUT. Oh, well, why didn’t you say so?
CAPTAIN Any other questions from the crew?
NURSE (sighing) I’m just not feeling
. this operation, Captain Shirk.
CAPTAIN Nervous, Nurse Chapstick?
NURSE A bit. We can't search and help out
. this ENTIRE planet on foot.
CAPTAIN Stop thinking with your glands.
. We have the Enterprise at our disposal.
MR.S Can I man the ship?
CAPTAIN Only if you follow orders, Mr. Spunk.
MR.S Yes sir!
(FAMILY gets into vehicle, MR.S behind the “console.”)
MR.S With me behind the controls-
. we’ll see all the environments around us
. in lightning speed, which will only take-
CAPTAIN A little less mouth, Mr. Spunk.
MR.S Ready to leave orbit, Captain?
CAPTAIN Warp one, Mr. Spunk.
MR.S Warp one, sir. Leaving orbit.
(MR.SPUNK begins to steer like he’s backing out
of a driveway. The REST look out the windows.)
LIEUT. I see something already.
CAPTAIN We haven’t left our neighborhood yet.
. The mission of the Enterprise is
. to help human life form in ALL places.
. Now, let us go somewhere else - fast.
. Light speed ahead!
MR.S I’m still backing out of the launching pad,
CAPTAIN Explanation for delay?
MR.S I don’t want to hit our other space ships.
NURSE AND - we found something.
MR.S (stops and looks) So what is it?
NURSE The human life form living right next door
. to us looks like he’s in need of help.
CAPTAIN Can you explain it, Nurse?
NURSE I cannot, except that whatever is happening,
. we COULD stop and help.
CAPTAIN We will find other needs –
. where most men will not go.
MR.S Exactly where is that?
CAPTAIN We need to find it.
NURSE I think the life form is waving us over.
CAPTAIN Now, light speed ahead, Mr. Spunk.
. Maybe we can escape his never ending needs.
(LIEUTENANT is not impressed and finally speaks up.) 4
LIEUT. (dryly) Permission to speak, Captain?
. I have observed, that even though
. he keeps asking us for help,
. I don’t think we have ever really
. helped our neighbor life form before.
CAPTAIN Lieutenant You’re Right - your sub-space log
. contains an error in the frequencies column.
. He borrowed our rake last week.
LIET. Captain, sometimes I think if I hear that word
. ‘frequency’ once more, I'll cry.
MR.S Why do women cry so much?
LIET. I was just trying to start a conversation.
MR.S Well, since it is illogical for a
. communications officer of my age to resent
. the word ‘frequency,’ I have no answer.
LIET. (to Mr.S) Funny. You usually have
. an answer for everything!
. Tell me again how logic works
. in your little alien-Vulcan-world?
CAPTAIN Don’t get him started, we need to focus on
. our mission. What are our coordinates?
MR.S We are still on the launching pad.
CAPTAIN What is the issue?
MR.S There seems to be a magnetic force
. keeping us from moving at all.
NURSE I feel the magnetic force, too.
LIEUT. The human life form is now walking this way.
CAPTAIN Implement the energy shields! Quick!
. The energy shields for protection!
. We need to repel the approach.
MR.S That is also not working, Captain.
LIEUT. The human life form is approaching fast.
(Frantic, CAPTAIN looks up and calls out.)
CAPTAIN Transporter room! Four beaming up!
. I repeat, beam us up, Scottie.
. Beam us up now!
LIEUT. Perhaps communications are down.
CAPTAIN Communications are NEVER down.
. They are ALWAYS there. The transporter room
. is very well-manned and they always answer
. when we need assistance.
LIEUT. Perhaps the answer is to stay here and help?
CAPTAIN But why? WHYYYYY? Why THIS particular
. human life form?
LIEUT. Don’t you care?
CAPTAIN I suppose my demonstration of concern
. will not change what needs to be done.
LIEUT. Are YOU nervous, captain?
MR.S Maybe Captain Shirk is afraid that this
. human life form is going space-happy.
CAPTAIN I’m not afraid of that.
LIEUT. Is the Captain afraid of having to release
. too much of our provisions? Because,
. if it hurts too much to give,
. I could go out there and see what I can do-
CAPTAIN Lieutenant you’re right, I think I should
. maybe take care of the provisioning here.
NURSE But, what if there’s something
. we can all do, together?
MR.S We don’t know what’s needed until we ask.
(ALL look at the CAPTAIN.)
CAPTAIN Acknowledged. Mr. Spunk, outfit
. a landing party. There’s a body in need –
. right here. Break out the surface
. help equipment. And we’re beaming down
. with some questions.
MR.S (drives back up the driveway)
. Bringing him home, sir.
NURSE I’m onboard with this mission, but what if
. this is too much for our crew to handle?
LIEUT. The mission of the Enterprise is to help
. human life in places like this –
. as best as we are able.
CAPTAIN And - the General Commander will keep
. locked-in on us at all times. We have no fear.
. We will - NOW go - where most men do not.
MR.S But, we’re still in our neighborhood.
CAPTAIN I was now speaking metaphorically.
MR.S Gotcha. I mean, aye-aye, Captain.
(FAMILY climbs out of the vehicle and exits.)