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TO GO WHERE MOST MEN DON’T – written by Tanis Harms
TOPIC:        loving your neighbor
SCRIPTURE:    Deut.6:5, Lev.19:18, Luke 10:25-37
Style:        satire/conversation: spoof on Star Trek,
.             the captain tries to take the crew
.             to new places, but is drawn to the
.             problems in their own neighborhood
Cast:         CAPTAIN SHIRK (dad),
.             LIEUTENANT YOU’RE RIGHT (mom),
.             NURSE CHAPSTICK (daughter),
.             MR.SPUNK (son)
Set & Props:  4 chairs, maybe a console

SCRIPT:

(ALL enter with CAPTAIN leading the way.)

CAPTAIN   We are ready – to go –
.         where most men do not go.

NURSE     Do we have to?

LIEUT.    Listen to your captain when he gives an order.

CAPTAIN   One might think that you had
.         more important duties.

NURSE     I was hoping to shop with my peeps
.         at the mall.

CAPTAIN   We must maintain focus
.         on our mission.

MR.S      And, ah, what exactly is our mission?

CAPTAIN   We are going to go –
.         where most men do not go.

MR.S      Got that - but what does that mean,
.         exactly?  ‘Cause I could be hanging
.         with my friends right now.

CAPTAIN   We are going to go – out there –
.         and survey the environments around us –
.                                                       2
LIEUT.    Wait, we’re not actually going out
.         to look for a new house are we?

CAPTAIN   Questions from my lieutenant?

LIEUT.    I’m just saying, I’m kind of content
.         with our home right now.  I finally
.         got it decorated just the way I want it.

CAPTAIN   No, I’m not talking about moving.
.         I’m talking about - going out and doing –
.         what we were challenged to do
.         by our Master Commander- to go
.         where most men do not go –
.         looking for those in need of our help.

LIEUT.    Oh, well, why didn’t you say so?

CAPTAIN   Any other questions from the crew?

NURSE     (sighing)  I’m just not feeling
.         this operation, Captain Shirk.

CAPTAIN   Nervous, Nurse Chapstick?

NURSE     A bit.  We can't search and help out
.         this ENTIRE planet on foot.

CAPTAIN   Stop thinking with your glands.
.         We have the Enterprise at our disposal.

MR.S      Can I man the ship?

CAPTAIN   Only if you follow orders, Mr. Spunk.

MR.S      Yes sir!

(FAMILY gets into vehicle, MR.S behind the “console.”)

MR.S      With me behind the controls-
.         we’ll see all the environments around us
.         in lightning speed, which will only take-

CAPTAIN   A little less mouth, Mr. Spunk.

MR.S      Ready to leave orbit, Captain?
.                                                      3
CAPTAIN   Warp one, Mr. Spunk.

MR.S      Warp one, sir. Leaving orbit.

(MR.SPUNK begins to steer like he’s backing out
of a driveway.  The REST look out the windows.)

LIEUT.    I see something already.

CAPTAIN   We haven’t left our neighborhood yet.
.         The mission of the Enterprise is
.         to help human life form in ALL places.
.         Now, let us go somewhere else - fast.
.         Light speed ahead!

MR.S      I’m still backing out of the launching pad,
.         Captain.

CAPTAIN   Explanation for delay?

MR.S      I don’t want to hit our other space ships.

NURSE     AND - we found something.

MR.S      (stops and looks)  So what is it?

NURSE     The human life form living right next door
.         to us looks like he’s in need of help.

CAPTAIN   Can you explain it, Nurse?

NURSE     I cannot, except that whatever is happening,
.         we COULD stop and help.

CAPTAIN   We will find other needs –
.         where most men will not go.

MR.S      Exactly where is that?

CAPTAIN   We need to find it.

NURSE     I think the life form is waving us over.

CAPTAIN   Now, light speed ahead, Mr. Spunk.
.         Maybe we can escape his never ending needs.

(LIEUTENANT is not impressed and finally speaks up.)    4

LIEUT.    (dryly)  Permission to speak, Captain?
.         I have observed, that even though
.         he keeps asking us for help,
.         I don’t think we have ever really
.         helped our neighbor life form before.

CAPTAIN   Lieutenant You’re Right - your sub-space log
.         contains an error in the frequencies column.
.         He borrowed our rake last week.

LIET.     Captain, sometimes I think if I hear that word
.         ‘frequency’ once more, I'll cry.

CAPTAIN   Cry?  

MR.S      Why do women cry so much?

LIET.     I was just trying to start a conversation.

MR.S      Well, since it is illogical for a
.         communications officer of my age to resent
.         the word ‘frequency,’ I have no answer.

LIET.     (to Mr.S)  Funny.  You usually have
.         an answer for everything!
.         Tell me again how logic works
.         in your little alien-Vulcan-world?

CAPTAIN   Don’t get him started, we need to focus on
.         our mission.  What are our coordinates?

MR.S      We are still on the launching pad.

CAPTAIN   What is the issue?

MR.S      There seems to be a magnetic force
.         keeping us from moving at all.

NURSE     I feel the magnetic force, too.

LIEUT.    The human life form is now walking this way.

CAPTAIN   Implement the energy shields!  Quick!
.         The energy shields for protection!
.         We need to repel the approach.
.                                                       5
MR.S      That is also not working, Captain.

LIEUT.    The human life form is approaching fast.

(Frantic, CAPTAIN looks up and calls out.)

CAPTAIN   Transporter room!  Four beaming up!
.         I repeat, beam us up, Scottie.
.         Beam us up now!

LIEUT.    Perhaps communications are down.

CAPTAIN   Communications are NEVER down.
.         They are ALWAYS there.  The transporter room
.         is very well-manned and they always answer
.         when we need assistance.

LIEUT.    Perhaps the answer is to stay here and help?

CAPTAIN   But why?  WHYYYYY?  Why THIS particular
.         human life form?

LIEUT.    Don’t you care?

CAPTAIN   I suppose my demonstration of concern
.         will not change what needs to be done.

LIEUT.    Are YOU nervous, captain?

MR.S      Maybe Captain Shirk is afraid that this
.         human life form is going space-happy.

CAPTAIN   I’m not afraid of that.

LIEUT.    Is the Captain afraid of having to release
.         too much of our provisions?  Because,
.         if it hurts too much to give,
.         I could go out there and see what I can do-

CAPTAIN   Lieutenant you’re right, I think I should
.         maybe take care of the provisioning here.

NURSE     But, what if there’s something
.         we can all do, together?

MR.S      We don’t know what’s needed until we ask.
.                                                       6
(ALL look at the CAPTAIN.)

CAPTAIN   Acknowledged.  Mr. Spunk, outfit
.         a landing party.  There’s a body in need –
.         right here.  Break out the surface
.         help equipment.  And we’re beaming down
.         with some questions.

MR.S      (drives back up the driveway)
.         Bringing him home, sir.

NURSE     I’m onboard with this mission, but what if
.         this is too much for our crew to handle?

LIEUT.    The mission of the Enterprise is to help
.         human life in places like this –
.         as best as we are able.

CAPTAIN   And - the General Commander will keep
.         locked-in on us at all times.  We have no fear.
.         We will - NOW go - where most men do not.

MR.S      But, we’re still in our neighborhood.

CAPTAIN   I was now speaking metaphorically.

MR.S      Gotcha.  I mean, aye-aye, Captain.

(FAMILY climbs out of the vehicle and exits.)