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RAPTURE REPORT - written by Tanis Harms
TOPIC:        rapture and its events
SCRIPTURE:    Matt.24:4-7, 1 Thess.5:3, Rev.4:1-6:17
Style:        satire/spoof of a news show: where
.             an news anchor is in the midst of the news
.             when the rapture occurs
Cast:         news anchor
.             (you could mime or have a floor manager)
Set & Props:  desk, chair, paper
.             (mime camera, mime or have a trumpet blast)
SCRIPT:

(NEWS ANCHOR takes seat and prepares to go on the air.)

NA     Good evening, and welcome to the 6 o’clock news.
.      I’m Bitty Harms.  At the top of today’s
.      global report: continued worldwide peace
.      and safety.  I suppose all the well-wishes
.      from all pageant queens across the world
.      have indeed paid off.  Isn’t that right Roger? -

(NA reacts to loud trumpet blast or mime – holding ears.)

NA     What is that – I’m sorry - We apologize,
.      we seem to be having technical difficulties –

(NA recovers from the incident and sighs.)

NA     Ah, it stopped.  I’m not sure if everyone
.      out there heard that-that very loud,
.      very strange blast, but as our audio technicians
.      look into the problem, we will continue
.      (recovers more)  our national coverage
.      with our favorite dependable co-anchor -

(NA looks to the right for her co-anchor.)

NA     Roger McGee. .. Roger?

(NA quickly looks the other way, perplexed.)

NA     Ah, what happen to Roger?

(NA [pretends to] get a note and then turns forward.)

NA     This just in!  All across our nation,
.      people have been reported missing.
.                                                       2
(NA looks questioningly off to the side.)

NA     Reports - keep streaming in about people
.      just - disappearing into thin air.
.      (alarm subsiding)  An– alien invasion is suspect-

(NA glances to the side suspiciously.)

NA     What – am I being punked?  (pause)  Oh...

(NA turns forward, serious again.)

NA     I apologize.  This IS a very serious matter.
.      Apparently, a third of our staff is also missing –

(NA starts bending down as if camera direction
is falling down – in a downward tilt.)

NA     -including our cameraman.

(NA points a finger for someone to get the camera.)

NA     (whispering)  Go! Get the camera –
.      quick-get the camera.

(NA sits up again [as if] the camera is back up again.)

NA     We are determined to continue with our coverage,
.      as we work through this confusion, and keep you
.      informed with the latest updates – as they happen.

(NA glances to the side questioningly.)

NA     There must be a better explanation
.      (turns forward)  for – this strange turn of events
.      and the unusual exodus of thousands of –
.      (being corrected)  Millions–I have been corrected–
.      the report is now that millions of people
.      have been snatched up by these alleged aliens.

(NA pauses and looks to the side dubiously.)

NA     Invisible aliens?!  Really?!
.      (sarcastic)  Okay -  (looks forward again)
.      We have it on the very good authority
.      of our–floor manager - now also cameraman,
.      slash gaffer, slash switchboard operator,
.      slash editor and - slash PRODUCER.

(NA turns to the side, angrily.)                        3

NA     Just who promoted you to producer?
.      Well, I have the seniority.  I promote myself
.      to producer – as I am sure there may be other
.      avenues to explore on this news-breaking story.

(NA looks forward, thinking, slowly getting more
horrified.)

NA     Like, I seem to remember...
.      from a Sunday School class I once attended
.      a long, long time ago, some kind of prophecy
.      from the Bible, which I never really trusted in
.      until - maybe NOW.  But let’s face it,
.      all the facts align with what the Bible says
.      about the rapture.  And if so, we are now
.      heading for - the tribulation.
.      And what is the tribulation, you are
.      probably asking...  I seem to remember –
.      a lot of very, very terrible, terrible events,
.      like wars, famine, death, earthquakes,
.      more death, and -

(NA slowly bends down to follow falling camera again.)

NA     Ah, heh-heh-heh, one moment.

(NA angrily gets up and adjusts and tightens camera.)

NA     Must I do everything myself?!!

(NA looks out to the distance.)

NA     There goes our floor manager-the entire crew.

(NA sits down, silently to focus, then looks up,
smiling.)

NA     We apologize – I apologize for the visual
.      malfunction.  Now, where was I?  Oh yeah – Death!
.      Stars falling from the sky, and a blood-red moon,
.      which would mean – darkness.  It’ll be very dark.
.      And horrible diseases, like boils on your skin.
.      And – bugs.  A lot-a lot of bugs.  And then –
.      (gulps)  bigger bugs.  Very big, huge, giant,
.      freaky, flying-stinging–flying and stinging BUGS.

(NA trails off in the picture she’s painted, then suddenly jolts herself back.)
.                                                       4
NA     So if you can, I would highly recommend –
.      running.  Running and hiding – somewhere –
.      anywhere.

(NA braces herself and puts on a very stoic air.)

NA     But I will continue to report the news
.      as long as I am able, reporting the news
.      as it happens.  As all the terrible things happen.
.      Well, we should probably break for a word
.      from our spons– (laughs hysterical)
.      That’s right – as there are no commercials
.      to break to – we will - JUST take a break –
.      as in a brief mental breakdown.
.      (very seriously)  And then I will be back!-Maybe!
.      Probably not!...  Goodbye.

(NA scrambles out but quickly comes back, speaking
very quickly.)

NA     Oh, and this has been Bitty Harms,
.      with the 6 o’clock news, bringing you the news
.      as it happens – until now.   Thank you!
.      Good night, goodbye, and good riddance–I mean–
.      good luck.

(NA starts to leave at the end of her spiel,
body climbing out of the chair first, leaving the head
in the shot until the very end, then running)