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MOSES - written by Tanis Harms
TOPIC: Moses, patience, God is our Rock
SCRIPTURE: Exodus 13:17–18:27, Numbers 20:1–13
Style: satire/spoof on David Letterman:
. DAVID does a top 10 and interviews MOSES.
Cast: DAVID LESSERMAN, MOSES
Set & Props: desk, 2 chairs, coffee mug, cue cards
(DAVE walks onto the stage with his blue cue cards.)
DAVE And welcome back. I’m David Lesserman,
. for those of you who might have
. already forgotten. Hee-heeeee. Man!
. Aren’t those commercials long! Huh?
. And we’re back with the Top 10 List.
. Here - are – the top 10 reasons how you
. would know – you’ve been wandering
. in the wilderness way too long.
. And... number 10: You have figured out a thousand
. and one different ways to prepare manna;
. number 9: Your cooler is now used as
. an easy-bake-oven for quail;
. number 8: You would sell all your possessions
. just to eat at a McDonalstien’s!;
. number 7: You start to personally name
. all the vultures flying overhead. Ooohhh!
. Number 6: You have turned into
. a tasty salt-lick for your sheep...;
. Number 5: You start seeing things that
. are really there and think they’re not;
. number 4: Your wife starts looking like your camel;
. number 3: You start to believe you ARE a camel;
. number 2: Hee-hee. Your calf muscles
. start looking like Arnold Swartzenberger’s...
. Wow! That’s a lot of walking!
. And the number one reason how you
. would know you've been wandering
. in the wilderness way too long? –
. You start to say, “Hey,
. doesn’t that rock look familiar?”
(DAVE sits down at his desk.)
DAVE Well, we've got a great show
. all lined up for you.
. We'll be playing everybody's
. favorite game show:
. "Know Your Cuts of Quail".
. Get ready for that.
. And coming up later,
. stupid camel tricks!
. You don't want to miss that.
. But now, today's first guest is Moses.
. We’ve managed to grab him away
. from the masses and his hectic schedule
. long enough to chat for a few minutes.
. And here he is folks,
. give a warm hand for Moses.
(Get Audience to clap while MOSES walks out.
DAVE gets up to hug MOSES and whisper something
in his ear. MOSES throws his head back in a laugh.
DAVE and MOSES sit down. MOSES drinks from the
coffee mug that sits on the desk.)
MOSES This is my water, right?
DAVE All yours, Moses. Although, not as good
. as if it came from out of that rock. He-hee.
. So, you’re looking rather chic there.
MOSES Thank you Dave. I don’t feel chic,
. but I’ll take the compliment.
DAVE Always cool under pressure.
MOSES Not always, Dave.
DAVE Oh, that’s right. You kind of lost it there
. at that rock, didn’t you?
MOSES That wasn’t the first time, I can tell you!
DAVE No-no – he-heee. But seriously now,
. you’ll always remember to TAP the rock, now, eh?
. Just tap the rock... gieeeently.
MOSES Definitely. No sense in doing a swing and a miss.
DAVE That’s right. You’ll be missing out on 3
. on the Promised Land. That’s a real shame.
. We’ll certainly miss you
. and your patient leadership.
. Boy, I’ll tell you, you have
. to have a lot of patience,
. especially dealing with guys like me. Huh?
. I’m not exactly what they call “low maintenance”.
MOSES You’re not so bad, Dave.
DAVE Well, let me just say,
. I was probably the first one to beg
. for something else besides manna.
. As soon as that quail arrived,
. I was charging out there like a kid
. in a candy store.
. Yeah, just like a KID. A big KID!
(Dave leans forward and grins out at the audience
to emphasize his point.)
DAVE But by now, it’s almost time for a change,
. wouldn’t you say there ‘Mo?
MOSES Hey, the menu’s not up to me.
. Just be thankful for anything.
DAVE See! – patience. And with all
. the grumbling that takes place.
. Me – I’m the worst one of all.
. I'm just a big duffus!
. A big KID. A BABY, even!
. But this man is like a rock.
. He’s a ROCK.
MOSES Well, no. I can only carry on because of God.
. God is my rock, Dave.
DAVE Can you call God a rock? I mean,
. is that all right to say that about God?
MOSES Yes, calling God your Rock
. is certainly all right.
. In fact, a rock is a great analogy.
. A rock is a firm, solid foundation –
. which doesn't move. It's always there.
DAVE I love it! He’s a quick thinker, this one.
MOSES I just love the fact that God
. is certainly all of those things.
. And we've just seen God give us water
. from out of a Rock.
. You can see how God - our Rock –
. also provides – as well as protects.
DAVE Now that you mention it,
. He most certainly has.
. He’s protected us through several battles.
. And the parting of the Red Sea – wow! –
. wasn’t THAT something? Huh? POW!
. Wiped out all those punk-Egyptian soldiers.
. But Moses, don’t sell yourself short.
. I mean, you’ve had to put up with a lot.
. And you've always been there.
MOSES I still lost it a few times.
. And losing it – is - losing it.
DAVE Yeah, but some of it – righteous anger. Huh?
. Now, if I would be left
. in charge of bunch of people,
. a bunch of punks like ME, they’d all be DEAD.
. All of ‘em. Dead! Boy oh boy,
. those people, I tell you.
MOSES Well, I just have to say, it’s been ALL God.
. I give God all the glory for that.
. If it had just been up to me –
. we’d all still be back in Egypt.
DAVE But - would that be such a BAD thing, Moses?
MOSES Yes, Dave, it would. You’d still be a SLAVE –
. or dead. God wants all of us to experience
. a land flowing with milk and honey.
. He wants to give us a good life
. with a lot of good stuff.
DAVE But, where is the honey, Moses?
. Huh? Where's the honey?
. (giggles and smiles out at congregation)
MOSES It’s coming, Dave. Perhaps 5
. God is teaching us something.
DAVE Oh! God’s got His work cut out for Him,
. all right. I’m a hard nut to crack.
. I’m a very-very-hard NUT.
. I'm just a punk, Moses.
MOSES But all of us can be taught. And I’m sure
. that no one is going to see the Promised Land
. until we’ve all learned a few lessons.
DAVE I just have to say - we’ll be here a long time.
MOSES Well, I'm not perfect, but God is.
. God always keeps His promises,
. and He's always there, Dave.
. And so we don't forget that,
. He's even given us a few things to help us,
. like the pillar of fire - and cloud.
DAVE You're right, Moses. You're right.
. God is always there.
MOSES God is - but I’ve got to get going. Duty calls.
. Lots of people with questions about legal things.
DAVE Yes. And how’s that going for you now?
MOSES Better since my father-in-law suggested
. I find a few men to help me out.
. I delegate the smaller cases to them,
. and then handle just the really big cases.
DAVE Yeah, well, there were sure a lot of laws given
. to us. Maybe I should make an appointment now,
. huh? Hee-heeeee. So many! Wow.
MOSES All to help better protect you and yours, Dave.
. To protect, and to develop closer relationships
. with God and each other.
DAVE You bet. Okay, it was great talking with you again.
. (motioning to MOSES) MOSES, everyone.
(Audience applauds. MOSES and DAVE walk off.)