.           all rights belong to Tanis Harms –
.            refer to

MOSES      - written by Tanis Harms
TOPIC:       Moses, patience, God is our Rock
SCRIPTURE:   Exodus 13:17–18:27, Numbers 20:1–13
Style:       satire/spoof on David Letterman:
.            DAVID does a top 10 and interviews MOSES.
Set & Props: desk, 2 chairs, coffee mug, cue cards


(DAVE walks onto the stage with his blue cue cards.)

DAVE   And welcome back.  I’m David Lesserman,
.      for those of you who might have
.      already forgotten.  Hee-heeeee.  Man!
.      Aren’t those commercials long!  Huh?
.      And we’re back with the Top 10 List.
.      Here - are – the top 10 reasons how you
.      would know – you’ve been wandering
.      in the wilderness way too long.
.      And... number 10: You have figured out a thousand
.      and one different ways to prepare manna;
.      number 9: Your cooler is now used as
.      an easy-bake-oven for quail;
.      number 8: You would sell all your possessions
.      just to eat at a McDonalstien’s!;
.      number 7: You start to personally name
.      all the vultures flying overhead.  Ooohhh!
.      Number 6: You have turned into
.      a tasty salt-lick for your sheep...;
.      Number 5: You start seeing things that
.      are really there and think they’re not;
.      number 4: Your wife starts looking like your camel;
.      number 3: You start to believe you ARE a camel;
.      number 2: Hee-hee.  Your calf muscles
.      start looking like Arnold Swartzenberger’s...
.      Wow! That’s a lot of walking!
.      And the number one reason how you
.      would know you've been wandering
.      in the wilderness way too long? –
.      You start to say, “Hey,
.      doesn’t that rock look familiar?”

(DAVE sits down at his desk.)
.                                                       2
DAVE   Well, we've got a great show
.      all lined up for you.
.      We'll be playing everybody's
.      favorite game show:
.      "Know Your Cuts of Quail".
.      Get ready for that.
.      And coming up later,
.      stupid camel tricks!
.      You don't want to miss that.
.      But now, today's first guest is Moses.
.      We’ve managed to grab him away
.      from the masses and his hectic schedule
.      long enough to chat for a few minutes.
.      And here he is folks,
.      give a warm hand for Moses.

(Get Audience to clap while MOSES walks out.
DAVE gets up to hug MOSES and whisper something
in his ear.  MOSES throws his head back in a laugh.
DAVE and MOSES sit down.  MOSES drinks from the
coffee mug that sits on the desk.)

MOSES  This is my water, right?

DAVE   All yours, Moses.  Although, not as good
.      as if it came from out of that rock.  He-hee.
.      So, you’re looking rather chic there.

MOSES  Thank you Dave.  I don’t feel chic,
.      but I’ll take the compliment.

DAVE   Always cool under pressure.

MOSES  Not always, Dave.

DAVE   Oh, that’s right.  You kind of lost it there
.      at that rock, didn’t you?

MOSES  That wasn’t the first time, I can tell you!

DAVE   No-no – he-heee.  But seriously now,
.      you’ll always remember to TAP the rock, now, eh?
.      Just tap the rock... gieeeently.

MOSES  Definitely. No sense in doing a swing and a miss.

DAVE   That’s right.  You’ll be missing out on         3
.      on the Promised Land.  That’s a real shame.
.      We’ll certainly miss you
.      and your patient leadership.
.      Boy, I’ll tell you, you have
.      to have a lot of patience,
.      especially dealing with guys like me.  Huh?
.      I’m not exactly what they call “low maintenance”.

MOSES  You’re not so bad, Dave.

DAVE   Well, let me just say,
.      I was probably the first one to beg
.      for something else besides manna.
.      As soon as that quail arrived,
.      I was charging out there like a kid
.      in a candy store.
.      Yeah, just like a KID.  A big KID!

(Dave leans forward and grins out at the audience
to emphasize his point.)

DAVE   But by now, it’s almost time for a change,
.      wouldn’t you say there ‘Mo?

MOSES  Hey, the menu’s not up to me.
.      Just be thankful for anything.

DAVE   See! – patience.  And with all
.      the grumbling that takes place.
.      Me – I’m the worst one of all.
.      I'm just a big duffus!
.      A big KID.  A BABY, even!
.      But this man is like a rock.
.      He’s a ROCK.

MOSES  Well, no. I can only carry on because of God.
.      God is my rock, Dave.

DAVE   Can you call God a rock?  I mean,
.      is that all right to say that about God?

MOSES  Yes, calling God your Rock
.      is certainly all right.
.      In fact, a rock is a great analogy.
.      A rock is a firm, solid foundation –
.      which doesn't move. It's always there.
.                                                       4
DAVE   I love it!  He’s a quick thinker, this one.

MOSES  I just love the fact that God
.      is certainly all of those things.
.      And we've just seen God give us water
.      from out of a Rock.
.      You can see how God - our Rock –
.      also provides – as well as protects.

DAVE   Now that you mention it,
.      He most certainly has.
.      He’s protected us through several battles.
.      And the parting of the Red Sea – wow! –
.      wasn’t THAT something?  Huh? POW!
.      Wiped out all those punk-Egyptian soldiers.
.      But Moses, don’t sell yourself short.
.      I mean, you’ve had to put up with a lot.
.      And you've always been there.

MOSES  I still lost it a few times.
.      And losing it – is - losing it.

DAVE   Yeah, but some of it – righteous anger.  Huh?
.      Now, if I would be left
.      in charge of bunch of people,
.      a bunch of punks like ME, they’d all be DEAD.
.      All of ‘em. Dead!  Boy oh boy,
.      those people, I tell you.

MOSES  Well, I just have to say, it’s been ALL God.
.      I give God all the glory for that.
.      If it had just been up to me –
.      we’d all still be back in Egypt.

DAVE   But - would that be such a BAD thing, Moses?

MOSES  Yes, Dave, it would.  You’d still be a SLAVE –
.      or dead.  God wants all of us to experience
.      a land flowing with milk and honey.
.      He wants to give us a good life
.      with a lot of good stuff.

DAVE   But, where is the honey, Moses?
.      Huh? Where's the honey?
.      (giggles and smiles out at congregation)

MOSES  It’s coming, Dave.  Perhaps                      5
.      God is teaching us something.

DAVE   Oh! God’s got His work cut out for Him,
.      all right.  I’m a hard nut to crack.
.      I’m a very-very-hard NUT.
.      I'm just a punk, Moses.

MOSES  But all of us can be taught.  And I’m sure
.      that no one is going to see the Promised Land
.      until we’ve all learned a few lessons.

DAVE   I just have to say - we’ll be here a long time.

MOSES  Well, I'm not perfect, but God is.
.      God always keeps His promises,
.      and He's always there, Dave.
.      And so we don't forget that,
.      He's even given us a few things to help us,
.      like the pillar of fire - and cloud.

DAVE   You're right, Moses.  You're right.
.      God is always there.

MOSES  God is - but I’ve got to get going.  Duty calls.
.      Lots of people with questions about legal things.

DAVE   Yes. And how’s that going for you now?

MOSES  Better since my father-in-law suggested
.      I find a few men to help me out.
.      I delegate the smaller cases to them,
.      and then handle just the really big cases.

DAVE   Yeah, well, there were sure a lot of laws given
.      to us.  Maybe I should make an appointment now,
.      huh?  Hee-heeeee.  So many!  Wow.

MOSES  All to help better protect you and yours, Dave.
.      To protect, and to develop closer relationships
.      with God and each other.

DAVE   You bet. Okay, it was great talking with you again.
.      (motioning to MOSES) MOSES, everyone.

(Audience applauds. MOSES and DAVE walk off.)