.           all rights belong to Tanis Harms –
.             refer to

LADIES MINISTRIES – written by Tanis Harms
TOPIC:        need for small groups
SCRIPTURE:    Prov.27:17, 2Cor.1:3-4, Titus 2:3-5
Style:        satire/comedy/conversation:
.             we hear the thoughts of ladies from
.             different walks of life as they go
.             to a ladies ministry function.
Cast:         Soccer Mom, Grandma, Young Mom,
.             Working Girl,
.             4 extra women as the voices for above
Set & Props:  watch, 4 purses to fit each character


(The EXTRAS sit in the front row of the congregation
with a microphone to pass along as their turns comes up,
alleviating the need to memorize the lines.  But
watch your person carefully so you match the words up
with the actions.  Each lady will enter from one side
of the stage and exit to the other side, like they are
arriving and entering the function.)

(GRANDMA enters, carrying her mid-sized purse.)


Of course, I’m the first to arrive!  (stops to
Don’t kids own watches anymore?       look around)

I suppose THESE are a thing          (looks at watch)
of the past.

NOW they just have those infernal    (looks out)
cell phones GLUED to their ears-
or eyes.

I believe they have clocks on them.  (thinks)
Seems like they have EVERYTHING.     (rolls eyes)
Alarm clocks EVEN, so they really
should NOT be late for anything.     (nods firmly)

And they have those -                (thinks)
what are they called?
PMS systems -                        (put hands on hips)
that tell you where to go...
So they should NEVER get lost.       (nods quizzically)

But I guess they get all wrapped up                     2
listening to all their songs –
or playing those crazy -
electrical games, AND THEN -
they don’t pay any attention         (shakes head with
to those PRACTICAL gizmos.            disappointment)

What happened to good-               (takes a few steps
old fashioned conversation?           while thinking)
Oh, where should I sit?              (stops short and
I hope no one WEIRD sits beside me.   looks around)
Young kids and their modern-talk!    (makes funny face)
I never know what to say.            (scratches head)

I should have one of those phones    (stands with sad,
so I can ignore people when I want.   slouched posture)
They usually ignore me.
I guess I’m not appreciated much.
What can I even SAY                  (looks more
that would interest them enough       perplexed)
to look away from their gadgets?
Oh!  What am I saying?  Well...      (takes another
MAYBE that’s how THEY feel too.       step)

It just seems that they think -      (looks out
all I am able to talk about           quizzically)
is aches and pains.  Uh!
NOT that I don’t have some of        (waves the air)
those, but why talk about them?      (shrugs)
I’ve got a life!  I am               (nods boldly)
WAY too busy for aches and pains.

I don’t know why they think that     (shakes head
just because I’m older,               with grimace)
I’ve got all the time in the world
to do extra help.  In fact, I am
busier now than I’ve ever been!
So – I will help where I can –       (nods)
but... it seems like I wanted        (thinks)
to sort out something else, here.    (continues
Hmmm... what was I wanting            to think,
to think about? – I did this three    with head down)
times today just getting a loaf      (look up and
of bread from the freezer.            laugh to self)

Need to maintain a sense of humor!   (nods)
Oh!  That’s right –
Maybe I should come up with          (put a finger up
some - clever questions to get        to indicate idea
a conversation going with someone.    while walking out)
.                                                       3
(YOUNG MOM enters, with huge purse.)


Walking dead! The dead walking-No.   (yawns and stops)
What is that?  Dead man walking?     (fights sleep as
Anyway, this must be what it          she stands there)
feels like when someone
is walking to their death.

I can’t even form one –
intel-intellectl – intelliblah –
I’m so exhausted!                    (forces eyes open)

I desperately need adult
interaction.  On any subject
other than – babies!                 (rolls eyes)

Babies!  Babies-babies-babies –      (goes through range
and toddlers.                         of emotions)
Toddlers and babies!

I so need this break!  I need to     (nods firmly)
rejuv – rejuvial – rejeven –         (twists face)
re - JUICE!!!.                       (panics)

I forgot Tommy’s juice
with his favorite sippy-cup!         (pulls hair)
I should really go back to            more panic)
the nursery-people and explain.

No-no, resist the urge...            (calms self,
He will survive.                      hand to chest)

But how will I survive?              (hand to chin,
If I could – just -                   thinking)
divert my OWN attention,
like I do with the babies
when they find the utility drawer -  (slowly starts
and start to pull out                 to panic again)
the plastic bags.                    (terror)
Plastic BAGS!
Ah!  I hope they don’t find          (pulls hair)
any plastic bags in the nursery!
Andrea, seriously!  Would they       (laughs and
have plastic - in a nursery!?         hand-flicks from
Nooo.  The babies are                 the forehead)
in very capable hands.
.                                                       4
I hope I can find someone            (looks around)
who can relate with me.
SOME ladies are SO put together.     (shakes head)

I feel like such a loser.            (fist to mouth)
I just can’t seem get it together!   (rummages in purse)
I even rushed over here
without any EYELINER!                (looks in mirror)
Hah!  I have bags under my eyes.     (jaw drops)
Don’t even keep looking,             (tries to fix hair)
there’s NOTHING you can do.          (sadly puts mirror
.                                     back in purse)

Oh, here’s Evie’s other sock!        (pulls out sock)
And Cassandra’s spare binkie.        (put hand to mouth)
Aw, Tommy’s widdo dumpie truckie...  (melting)
And “Mr. Moo Gets a Boo-boo”-        (pulls out book)
I miss them so much already.         (hand to eye
.                                     to stop the tear)
Did I say any of that out loud?      (searches room)
Everyone must be staring by now.     (sheepishly puts
Seriously, Andrea, get a grip.        stuff back
They’ll be fine.                      in purse)
NOTHING can happen.                  (shakes head)

Ohhh – something COULD happen!       (eyes wide)
What if someone POKES Tommy
in the EYES!?  That could happen.    (fist to mouth)
I have put my babies in danger!
What was I thinking?

Wait-wait-stop- calm yourself,       (trying to laugh
Andrea.  Just yesterday,              it off)
right under your VERY OWN care,
his very OWN sister POKED him
right in the eye.

(gasp)!  What if Evie                (puts hand to mouth)
POKES someone in the EYE!
I’m such a bad mother!               (wilts)
What is my problem?  Babies!
Babies!  Toddlers and babies-

Okay, Andrea, I’m sure there is      (wipes eyes,
a woman around here who can relate    composes self)
and offer some sound advice.
It’ll be good, you’ll see.
You - you’re a big girl.             (walks out)
You can do this ALL by yourself.
.                                                       5
(WORKING GIRL enters carrying a very small, chic purse.)


Right on time.  But why              (stops with a
am I bothering with this again?       confident pose)
I don’t have kids, I hate            (checks cell phone,
cooking and house-type stuff.         then puts in purse)
Pheh!  And I abhor crafty things.    (rolls eyes)
Really! They just better not make me
glue or tape ANYTHING together.
And forget about sewing!             (smooth hair)
If there is anything to stitch -
I am out of here.  I really don’t do
the woman-thing all that well.  

Maybe I just need practice -         (contemplates)
best-practices - in homemaking!
Perhaps if I network with            (looks around)
intuitive females, I could absorb
some - efficient coping strategies
in building relationships.

Maybe I’ll even find someone         (finger to lips)
who can relate with me.  Although,
it still would not hurt me
to stretch beyond my comfort zone.
Even though my professional world    (crosses arms)
is global, I suppose I still DO
exist in a type of cocoon.

I can look so confident at work,     (hand on hip)
but sometimes - when I step away
and do this sort of thing -
I feel – like - a - dysfunctional
computer chip outside a laptop!

Other than babies, soccer practice,  (contemplate)
and aches and pains,
what do most women even talk about? –
Huh!  I’m sure MOST women think that
all I can talk about is WORK.
I should REALLY be at work...        (looks up)

But I can’t be at work ALL the time. (shakes head)
And I DON’T want to become           (looks forward
that WEIRD WOMAN down the street      with wide eyes)
who only talks to the TREES.

No-no-no – PEOPLE are better.        (shakes head)     6
I need to stay in touch with         (nods)
real-life issues - and God.
THERE – THAT is something I have     (idea finger)
in common with these ladies.
I must benchmark and prioritize      (calculates)
the departments of my life.
Excellent, I have established the    (stands straight)
market tolerance AND finalized
my target...  I need to optimize
the benefits of such events.         (walks out)

(SOCCER MOM enters with casual purse.)


Rats.  Running late again.           (looks at cell)
If only it wasn’t against the law    (stare straight out,
to drive right over SLOW cars.        puts fist to mouth)
I don’t have time to drive slow.

I hope these ladies can wait, and    (puts cell away)
accommodate me and keep it short.
I’ve got way too many things
to squeeze into my day.
I wonder if it’s possible            (looks up,
to order more time online?            daydreaming)
THAT would be great.

Anyway, at least I have everything   (back to reality)
in order here.  No! – I just feel    (checks a list)
like I’m forgetting something.       (thinks)
Make sure Terry’s done her homework. (checks cell)
Check.  Had my third cup of coffee.  (nods)
Took Dan to the orthodontist.  Still (nods)
need to pick up the dry cleaning.    (pauses)
That’s not it, but -                 (texts)
I will set up a reminder...          (starts to walk,
for – “dry cleaning pick up”.         but stops short)

Oh! Evan has soccer practice today!  (dials out)
He’ll forget if I don’t remind him.
Not answering.  Must be in a class.  (checks cell)
He’s got a short break at - 10:36.

I’ll step out of this meeting THEN
to call and remind him.  But -
I’ll text him now, and THEN call     (texts)
to remind him - to check his text.

I know I’m forgetting something!     (steps, stops)     7
Who could I phone - to find out
what it is I might be forgetting?
I could call everyone I know –       (cheers self on)
No!  Don’t have time for that.       (puts out stop hand)
I’ll send a message to myself about  (texts)
the thing that I cannot remember.

This is REALLY driving me crazy!     (looks out, thinks)
Think-think-think - I LIKE to be
organized.  I NEED to be organized.
Maybe it’s just enough if I only –   (tilts head)
LOOK organized.  I just need to      (shrugs)
LOOK like I have it all together.

I really DON’T –                     (grimaces)
but if I LOOK the part,              (cheers self on)
I’ll BE the part.  BE the PART.
Just do it!  You can do it ALL.

MUST I really do it all?             (pauses)
Is there some kind of law for this?  (scratches head)
What really matters in the end?      (thinks)

What am I doing?                     (bewildered)
I don’t have time to stop and think. (big shrug)
Do I EVER stop to think?
Is that why I keep so busy?          (thinks)
No!  See – this - is what thinking
leads to – more thinking, and then -
madness.  Where would it all end?    (scared look)

I need to stay focused on all        (cheers self on)
the balls I have in the air.

WHY am I juggling so many balls?     (thinks)
If I get ONE thing wrong –
they will all come falling down
around me.

I’m thinking again!  Stop it!        (bewildered)
I just hope no one notices
that I DON’T have it all together.
I’m like one of those chickens       (put hands out)
running around without its head.

CHICKEN! - That’s it!  Need to       (cheers self on)
“pick up chicken for supper”.        (texts)
Okay – (sigh)  Ah!  Maybe NOW        (relieved)
I can focus on this thing.           (walks out)