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INVEST WISELY - written by Tanis Harms
TOPIC:          treasures in heaven
SCRIPTURE:      Colossians 3:1-4
Style:          satire/spoof on All in the Family:
.               Archie and Edith Bunker listen to
.               an investment advisor go through
.               all the financial lifestyle options.
Cast:           ARCHIE, EDITH (from All in the Family),
.               IA (INVESTMENT ADVISOR)
Set & Props:    2-3 chairs, coffee table, briefcase,
.               business card, 4 folders with papers

SCRIPT:

(All in the Family music could play to begin.
Doorbell rings or there is a knock at the door.
EDITH shuffles to the door ahead of ARCHIE.)

E    (singing) Those - are - the - days!...
.    Coming-coming.  I’ll get that, Archie!
.    Oh, I wonder who it could be?

A    Take it easy, Edith, will you’s?  It’s just an
.    Investment Advisor.  I thought I told you’s
.    about him.

E    (stops and looks blankly at ARCHIE)
.    Why’d we need an investment advisor for?
.    Aw Archie, you’re not dying on me, are you?

A    Awww, Edith, we’s all going to die - someday.
.    It’s not like I’m planning it.  I just
.    want to be prepared, is all.  Well,
.    what are you’s waiting for?  Open the door,
.    will you’s?  We don’t want the poor chap
.    dying out there on us, do we’s?

(EDITH opens the door and lets in the I.A.,
who holds out a business card for her to take.)

IA   Hello, I’m Garrett Wisely.

E    Ohhhhh, what’s this?  Thank you.  Please, come in.

A    Come in, Garrett.  This here’s Edith.
.    You have to pardon my wife, there, Garrett.
.    She doesn’t always drive with her brights on.
.                                                      2
IA   Nothing to pardon.  You have a beautiful wife,
.    there, Archie.

E    (waving him off)  Ooooo, such a gentleman.

A    Okay, okay Edith, take it easy.  Don’t want you
.    developing some sort of aneurysm, or something.
.    And better get out of the man’s way there
.    so we can get right to business.

(ARCHIE shakes hands with ADVISOR.  ADVISOR hands him
a business card also.  EDITH leads the way to the sofa.)

E    Please, won’t you have a seat?

A    Yes-yes-sit down.  No-take that chair over there.
.    There you go.  Edith, why don’t you’s get us
.    a drink or something.

IA   None for me, thank you.  I’m fine.

A    It’s all right, Edith.  You’s can leave us
.    alone now.

(EDITH leaves, and ARCHIE turns to the I.A.)

A    Now, how’s about we get right down to it.
.    I’m a busy man, myself.  My time is very valuable.

E    (from offstage)  There’s a big fight on TV tonight.

A    Yes-Edith, (to I.A.) so please don’t waste my time
.    with all the frills.  I just want to know
.    where I should be investing my time and energy.
.    And don’t you’s try to confuse me.
.    I don’t take kindly to that.

IA   I’ll be as straightforward as I can,
.    and lay out all options.  But ultimately,
.    you are the one who makes the decision.
.    Everyone has to make his or her own decision.
.    Actually your wife, Edith, also needs to make
.    her own decision.

A    She don’t know nothing.

IA   Everybody needs to do this at some point
.    in their lives.

A    Aw, you just don’t know what you’re asking.       3
.    But if you’s say so.  I gave you’s fair warning,
.    though.  (calling)  Ah Edith – you’s better
.    shake those legs and get back in here.

E    (off stage)  Oh, all right.  I’m coming.
.    (enters)  What do you want now, Archie?

A    This man here says – you’s needs to listen,
.    and make up your own mind.

E    Oh, myyy.  Will it make sense?

A    That there's the plan, Edith.

E    But you usually says I can’t make up my mind.

A    Just sit here and humor the man, there Edith.

(EDITH sits on Archie’s chair arm, or in another chair.
I.A. opens up his briefcase and pulls out a folder.)

IA   You’ll do fine.  I’ll be showing you
.    different investment packages.
.    In this first package here,
.    you would choose to live a balanced life.
.    With steady work, saving and wise spending –
.    you would live as you are able.
.    But your main focus would be to store up
.    all your treasures in heaven.
.    You do that by living a Godly life, serving God,
.    seeking after things that please God,
.    like loving your neighbors –
.    no matter what kind of background they have,
.    being kind and loving to your husband – or wife –

(ARCHIE starts to nod at EDITH, but balks at the
very last.)

A    Awww, now see, what’s this here nonsense you’re
.    babbling on about?  So what you’s really saying is,
.    I see’s nothing for all that work - until I –
.    pass on – to the other side?

IA   It really is a short-term investment with
.    big returns when you consider the duration
.    of eternity.

A    You’s got anything else?

E    Oh, I don’t know, Archie, that one sounds         4
.    really nice.

A    Maybe nice for you’s. (to I.A.)  Please
.    continue’s there.

IA   (pulls out another folder)  Well, here’s another
.    package where you would steal, and commit a lot
.    of other criminal acts in order to get rich as fast
.    as you can.  Of course, there’d probably be huge
.    consequences such as prison, or constantly being
.    on the run, so you wouldn’t even be able to enjoy
.    whatever you did acquire.

E    Ooohhhh, that’s awful.

A    Yeah, we’s going to pass on that one.

IA   (pulls out another folder)  Another package,
.    is to go deep into debt as you chase after
.    empty dreams.  You’ll be able to achieve a certain
.    lifestyle right away, but you’ll probably develop
.    ulcers from all your worries, and-or end up hitting
.    the brick-wall-of-bankruptcy.

E    Oooo, that one sounds tempting, don’t it Archie?

A    Listen here, Edith.  If you’s got ulcers, you won’t
.    be able to have your milk and cookies no more.
.    And if you’s ends up living on the streets,
.    you’s gonna probably contract one of them there
.    social diseases.  Now, you’s wouldn’t want that,
.    would you’s?

E    Noo-oo, not at all.

IA   (pulls out another folder)  The other investment
.    package is where you put all the money you earn
.    into stocks and bonds and anxiously watch as they
.    go up and down.  It takes a little longer this way,
.    but at least it’s honest.  Although, there’s still
.    risk involved.  Oh, and you’ll have to work
.    all the time and never really get to see your
.    wife and kids –

A    Now sees here, that don’t sound that half bad,
.    does it Edith?

E    Oh Archie, you don’t like to work that hard.

A    Jeez, Edith, off you go with your mouth.          5

E    Oooh, Archie. You should watch yours.

A    What's your point there, Edith?

E    You took the Lord’s name in vain just now.

A    Jjjee - (looking up at God)  Oh. I apologize there,
.    ah, Lord God Almighty’s my witness.

IA   Did you want to consider that last package at all?

A    You’s mean where I work hard and don’t put up
.    with Edith as much?

E    But you'd have no time for sports on TV no more.

A    Yes-yes, Edith, you’s actually got a point there.
.    But, don’t go thinking too hard, you’s don’t want
.    to hurt anything up there.

IA   Well, I can leave you to – mull this all over.
.    But I wouldn’t recommend waiting too long
.    to make a decision.  Life is short.

A    Well, now there, not when you’s have to live
.    with Edith, here.

E    (waving off Archie)  Oh, Archie.

A    Well, it feels like we’ve been married
.    for that there mentioned eternity.

E    But can you just imagine how looong an eternity
.    would feel like?

A    (gives long deadpan expression, finally...)
.    I think I’m going to consider that there
.    investment for eternity’ package, Garret.

E    Oh yeah, me too.  Thank you so much for your time
.    Mr... (looking at business card)  Wisely.

A    We’s certainly do appreciate your time, Garret.
.    Let’s walk the man out to his car, there, Edith.

E    (talks as they walk out)  Can I get you something
.    for the road?  Some milk and cookies maybe?