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INVEST WISELY - written by Tanis Harms
TOPIC: treasures in heaven
SCRIPTURE: Colossians 3:1-4
Style: satire/spoof on All in the Family:
. Archie and Edith Bunker listen to
. an investment advisor go through
. all the financial lifestyle options.
Cast: ARCHIE, EDITH (from All in the Family),
. IA (INVESTMENT ADVISOR)
Set & Props: 2-3 chairs, coffee table, briefcase,
. business card, 4 folders with papers
(All in the Family music could play to begin.
Doorbell rings or there is a knock at the door.
EDITH shuffles to the door ahead of ARCHIE.)
E (singing) Those - are - the - days!...
. Coming-coming. I’ll get that, Archie!
. Oh, I wonder who it could be?
A Take it easy, Edith, will you’s? It’s just an
. Investment Advisor. I thought I told you’s
. about him.
E (stops and looks blankly at ARCHIE)
. Why’d we need an investment advisor for?
. Aw Archie, you’re not dying on me, are you?
A Awww, Edith, we’s all going to die - someday.
. It’s not like I’m planning it. I just
. want to be prepared, is all. Well,
. what are you’s waiting for? Open the door,
. will you’s? We don’t want the poor chap
. dying out there on us, do we’s?
(EDITH opens the door and lets in the I.A.,
who holds out a business card for her to take.)
IA Hello, I’m Garrett Wisely.
E Ohhhhh, what’s this? Thank you. Please, come in.
A Come in, Garrett. This here’s Edith.
. You have to pardon my wife, there, Garrett.
. She doesn’t always drive with her brights on.
IA Nothing to pardon. You have a beautiful wife,
. there, Archie.
E (waving him off) Ooooo, such a gentleman.
A Okay, okay Edith, take it easy. Don’t want you
. developing some sort of aneurysm, or something.
. And better get out of the man’s way there
. so we can get right to business.
(ARCHIE shakes hands with ADVISOR. ADVISOR hands him
a business card also. EDITH leads the way to the sofa.)
E Please, won’t you have a seat?
A Yes-yes-sit down. No-take that chair over there.
. There you go. Edith, why don’t you’s get us
. a drink or something.
IA None for me, thank you. I’m fine.
A It’s all right, Edith. You’s can leave us
. alone now.
(EDITH leaves, and ARCHIE turns to the I.A.)
A Now, how’s about we get right down to it.
. I’m a busy man, myself. My time is very valuable.
E (from offstage) There’s a big fight on TV tonight.
A Yes-Edith, (to I.A.) so please don’t waste my time
. with all the frills. I just want to know
. where I should be investing my time and energy.
. And don’t you’s try to confuse me.
. I don’t take kindly to that.
IA I’ll be as straightforward as I can,
. and lay out all options. But ultimately,
. you are the one who makes the decision.
. Everyone has to make his or her own decision.
. Actually your wife, Edith, also needs to make
. her own decision.
A She don’t know nothing.
IA Everybody needs to do this at some point
. in their lives.
A Aw, you just don’t know what you’re asking. 3
. But if you’s say so. I gave you’s fair warning,
. though. (calling) Ah Edith – you’s better
. shake those legs and get back in here.
E (off stage) Oh, all right. I’m coming.
. (enters) What do you want now, Archie?
A This man here says – you’s needs to listen,
. and make up your own mind.
E Oh, myyy. Will it make sense?
A That there's the plan, Edith.
E But you usually says I can’t make up my mind.
A Just sit here and humor the man, there Edith.
(EDITH sits on Archie’s chair arm, or in another chair.
I.A. opens up his briefcase and pulls out a folder.)
IA You’ll do fine. I’ll be showing you
. different investment packages.
. In this first package here,
. you would choose to live a balanced life.
. With steady work, saving and wise spending –
. you would live as you are able.
. But your main focus would be to store up
. all your treasures in heaven.
. You do that by living a Godly life, serving God,
. seeking after things that please God,
. like loving your neighbors –
. no matter what kind of background they have,
. being kind and loving to your husband – or wife –
(ARCHIE starts to nod at EDITH, but balks at the
A Awww, now see, what’s this here nonsense you’re
. babbling on about? So what you’s really saying is,
. I see’s nothing for all that work - until I –
. pass on – to the other side?
IA It really is a short-term investment with
. big returns when you consider the duration
. of eternity.
A You’s got anything else?
E Oh, I don’t know, Archie, that one sounds 4
. really nice.
A Maybe nice for you’s. (to I.A.) Please
. continue’s there.
IA (pulls out another folder) Well, here’s another
. package where you would steal, and commit a lot
. of other criminal acts in order to get rich as fast
. as you can. Of course, there’d probably be huge
. consequences such as prison, or constantly being
. on the run, so you wouldn’t even be able to enjoy
. whatever you did acquire.
E Ooohhhh, that’s awful.
A Yeah, we’s going to pass on that one.
IA (pulls out another folder) Another package,
. is to go deep into debt as you chase after
. empty dreams. You’ll be able to achieve a certain
. lifestyle right away, but you’ll probably develop
. ulcers from all your worries, and-or end up hitting
. the brick-wall-of-bankruptcy.
E Oooo, that one sounds tempting, don’t it Archie?
A Listen here, Edith. If you’s got ulcers, you won’t
. be able to have your milk and cookies no more.
. And if you’s ends up living on the streets,
. you’s gonna probably contract one of them there
. social diseases. Now, you’s wouldn’t want that,
. would you’s?
E Noo-oo, not at all.
IA (pulls out another folder) The other investment
. package is where you put all the money you earn
. into stocks and bonds and anxiously watch as they
. go up and down. It takes a little longer this way,
. but at least it’s honest. Although, there’s still
. risk involved. Oh, and you’ll have to work
. all the time and never really get to see your
. wife and kids –
A Now sees here, that don’t sound that half bad,
. does it Edith?
E Oh Archie, you don’t like to work that hard.
A Jeez, Edith, off you go with your mouth. 5
E Oooh, Archie. You should watch yours.
A What's your point there, Edith?
E You took the Lord’s name in vain just now.
A Jjjee - (looking up at God) Oh. I apologize there,
. ah, Lord God Almighty’s my witness.
IA Did you want to consider that last package at all?
A You’s mean where I work hard and don’t put up
. with Edith as much?
E But you'd have no time for sports on TV no more.
A Yes-yes, Edith, you’s actually got a point there.
. But, don’t go thinking too hard, you’s don’t want
. to hurt anything up there.
IA Well, I can leave you to – mull this all over.
. But I wouldn’t recommend waiting too long
. to make a decision. Life is short.
A Well, now there, not when you’s have to live
. with Edith, here.
E (waving off Archie) Oh, Archie.
A Well, it feels like we’ve been married
. for that there mentioned eternity.
E But can you just imagine how looong an eternity
. would feel like?
A (gives long deadpan expression, finally...)
. I think I’m going to consider that there
. investment for eternity’ package, Garret.
E Oh yeah, me too. Thank you so much for your time
. Mr... (looking at business card) Wisely.
A We’s certainly do appreciate your time, Garret.
. Let’s walk the man out to his car, there, Edith.
E (talks as they walk out) Can I get you something
. for the road? Some milk and cookies maybe?