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FIGHT CLUB  – written by Tanis Harms
TOPIC:        arguing is foolish and destructive,
.             be innocent, be wise
SCRIPTURE:    Prov.13:3, 15:2, 17:28, Phil.2:14-15
Style:        satire/spoof of “Fight Club”:  a person
.             gets involved with a street group who likes
.             to argue without rules, but quickly sees
.             the destruction and foolishness in it
Cast:         HERO, PERSON 1 - 3, REPORTER
Set & Props:  microphone

SCRIPT:

(REPORTER sneaks onto stage and speaks into
the microphone while addressing the congregation.)

REP.  Hi, I’m Gus Toppler, here with your local
.     on-the-scene as-it-happens street-scene news.
.     For a while now, I have had my ear to the ground,
.     investigating a popular, growing trend.
.     These particular people think that they are being
.     very clever and secretive, but they really are not.
.     Because of the noise factor, it is extremely
.     easy to follow their every move.  They just can’t
.     help themselves.  Like creatures of habit,
.     they come out here, night after night – to prove
.     some sort of point.  We haven’t yet figured out
.     what drives them to this, but perhaps tonight,
.     with hidden cameras in place, we will be able to
.     catch a glimpse into their world and reveal
.     the motives behind their irrational behavior.

(Hearing the FIGHTERS coming, REPORTER quickly hides,
and from where he/she is, holds out the microphone.
FIGHTERS enter, followed by HERO.  PERSON 1 turns
to group.)

P 1   (to HERO)  All right.  Here we are – welcome to –
.     the Fight Club where you can feel free to
.     let loose, and fight all you want without
.     getting into trouble.
.     (gets the attention of the entire group)
.     Hey everyone, we have a new member joining us.
.     (turning to HERO)  We don’t use our names here.
.     It’s just best and safer to stay anonymous.
.     As well, we have only two rules.
.     (turning to group)  And they are? -
.                                                      2
P 2   Number one – don’t talk about the group.

P 3   Number two – there are no rules.

(PERSON 1 turns to HERO to reiterate the rules.)

P 1   Number one – don’t talk about the group.
.     Number two – there are no rules.

HERO  But, by having the two rules, you’re already
.     breaking the second rule.

P 1   There you go – you’ve got the idea.

(Group breaks out into an argument.  PERSON 2 gets
into HERO’S face.)

P 2   Well, your argument is unfounded and lame!

HERO  But my argument is based on logic.

P 2   It’s so easy to say, but you need that rule
.     in place or some sissy will come along and
.     add rules.

(Everyone picks on HERO.)

P 3   I think your breath smells like sardines.

P 2   (to 3)  You’re wrong.  I’d say it was more like
.     garlic and bacon grease.

HERO  I brushed my teeth, which is more than I can say
.     for you two.

P 1   You’re so logical, you’re stupid.

HERO  Now that’s just hurtful.

P 2   Duh!  It’s a fight club!

P 3   If you can’t take the heat, join a debate club
.     where they have all the rules in the world.

P 1   Rules are for wimps and losers.

HERO  Rules are set up by wise people so no one
.     gets hurt.

P 1   So you are a wimp and a loser.                   3

HERO  I like to argue to win.

P 2   Who doesn’t?  But you can’t win if you’re a loser.

HERO  I always win - because I’m always right.
.     You’re the losers.

P 3   I bet you still play with toy trains.

HERO  Even if I did, what would be wrong with that?

P 1   Trains are stupid.

P 2   The person who invented trains is stupid.

P 3   They can only go where the tracks are.

HERO  Do you even listen to yourself?

P 1   Of course!  I LOVE listening to myself.
.     That’s why I’m here.

HERO  But none of you are making any sense.

P 2   Who says we have to make sense?  And maybe
.     we are making sense.  And you are the one
.     who’s sounding stupid.

P 3   (to HERO)  Who are you?  The sense police?

(As the group puts HERO down, HERO sinks to his knees
like he is in pain from being beat up.)

P 1   How many times did you have to repeat playschool?

P 2   Your mamma thought you were so stupid, she had
.     to put training wheels on your head.

P 3   You still tie your shoes using the bunny poem.

(HERO crawls away like he is injured.  FIGHTERS continue
to put each other down)

P 1   (to 3)  I bet you still say the bunny poem
.     just to amuse yourself.

P 2   (to 3)  And you probably still count on your
.     fingers to add up two plus two.
.                                                      4
P 3   You all smell like garlic and bacon grease.

(As HERO crawls toward the spot where REPORTER is hiding,
REPORTER steps out to interview HERO.  FIGHTERS continue
to mime their arguing and slowly move off stage.)

REP.  I see you took quite a beating there.  Have you
.     been a member of this club for long?

HERO  No.  Today was my first day.

REP.  Are you going to continue?

HERO  No.  This will also be my last day.  I thought
.     I would enjoy the freedom of arguing, but it really
.     doesn’t accomplish anything.  Everyone has their
.     own point of view, with no intentions of ever
.     changing, so it’s so easy to lose sight of logic
.     and wisdom.  It just turns inane.  Childish.
.     Stupid.  After a while, it doesn’t even make sense.

REP.  Do you think they do it because it makes them
.     feel good?  Or at least, feel better about
.     themselves when they put other people
.     and their opinions down?

HERO  Maybe it does for a little while.  But I think
.     it’s really more of a downer.  I mean, no one wins.

REP.  Someone must win?

HERO  Everyone gets beat up.  There’s only so much
.     a person can take of that.  And then when you
.     do have a chance to dish it out, it comes from
.     this very dark, pathetic place.  And all that does
.     is reveal just how pathetic you really are.

REP.  What exactly do you mean by that?

HERO  Well, just the fact that you are arguing
.     JUST to win, means you only care about
.     the argument.  You argue – just to argue.
.     It reveals the fact that you just don’t care
.     about anyone – even yourself.  That’s sad.
.     So then you’re left with that very tiny victory
.     of winning an argument, or at the very least,
.     making someone else look or feel stupid.

REP.  You don’t think there are any other benefits?
.                                                      5
HERO  Really, there are none.  You actually lose.
.     You lose friendships and the trust of people.
.     You know, people start to avoid you at all costs.
.     How lonely and sad is that?  And the more
.     you argue, you tend to get on this roll where you
.     see everything as an argument.  You even start
.     arguing with yourself.  Eventually, there’s
.     no peace to be found.

REP.  So you wouldn’t recommend this club to just anyone?

HERO  You know, I would strongly discourage everyone
.     from getting involved with anything like this.

REP.  Interesting.  So how strongly would you discourage
.     someone from joining?

HERO  Ahh, very clever.  You mean, would I argue
.     with anyone about NOT arguing.  You’re good.
.     You’re very good.  I need to contemplate
.     on that one for a bit to even determine
.     if I should attempt or bother to answer that.

(HERO walks away shaking a finger at REPORTER.
REPORTER turns to congregation.)

REP.  And there you have it, the motivation for people
.     to join this Fight Club seems to – come from
.     a very shallow place – bringing only hollow
.     victories.  This has been Gus Toppler with your
.     local on-the-scene as-it-happens street-scene news.

(REPORTER exits.)