. all rights belong to Tanis Harms, © 2015
. refer to www.church-skits.com
Who Done It? Who Did In Wubby? - written by Tanis Harms
PREMISE: During Trish’s sixteenth birthday party,
. her stuffed rabbit is discovered...
. demolished. It becomes Sheldon’s job
. to help figure out who did the deed.
STYLE: comedy/who-done-it mystery
TOPIC: lying leads to hurt, guilt and distrust
SCRIPTURE: Ex.20:16, Rom.3:5-8, 1Cor.13:6
NOTES: for CAST, SET, PROPS, SOUND EFFECTS
. $20.00 to receive a DIRECTOR’S PACKAGE
. how you receive this & package description
(MS. PEPPER enters, leading the way into the family room
which is decorated for a girl’s birthday party.
ALL TEENAGERS follow behind her. On top of the
coffee table which is at lower center stage,
is a blanket, which is obviously covering up something.)
MS. PEPPER All right, children, follow me.
QUINTON Children? We’re almost adults, here.
(RUSS makes the roar of an aircraft as he “flies”
a toy airplane through the air.)
JIMMY Well, some are closer than others.
. (to RUSS) Chill, dude.
RUSS Check it out! Found this in my treat bag.
MS. PEPPER So next on our schedule – is game time.
GALE (to TRISH) You’re so lucky to have
. a party planner organize your birthday bash.
TRISH Only because Mom and Dad could not make it.
GALE Still! A party planner!
ANNETTE Who is not that good, by the way.
. (catching TRISH’S gasp)
. Sorry, I’m just saying.
KATIE You never say things like that.
. Why would you say something like that?
ANNETTE Well, it’s the truth.
KATIE If the truth hurts - keep it to yourself!
(MS. PEPPER claps for everyone’s attention and attempts
to become even more perky to grab and hold everyone’s
interest and attention.)
MS. PEPPER This first game will be a lot of fun.
. I promise you. So everybody, if you could
. stand in a line, right over there –
. behind the coffee table. Awesome...
. Now this game is called “what lies beneath.”
. There are various items beneath
. this blanket, 40 items to be exact.
. I will remove the blanket for 3 minutes
. only; then you will try to remember
. and write down as many of the items
. as you can.
QUINTON (muttering) This is so lame, dude.
(ANNETTE agrees with a roll of her eyes.)
TERRI Whatever, it’s a game, and I’m out to win.
EMMA Oh really, do you really think you have
. an upper hand somehow?
TERRI No upper hand, unless being smart and
. competitive counts.
MS. PEPPER Now, that’s the spirit I like to see.
(SHELDON looks around and raises his hand.)
SHELDON Ah, we need some paper and pens.
MS. PEPPER Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, dear.
. I won’t allow any opportunity for cheating.
(MR. PEPPER suddenly becomes very dramatic and cryptic.)
MS. PEPPER The first thing that I’m going to do is –
. reveal... “What lies beneath!”
(MS. PEPPER begins to pick up the blanket, but seeing 3
what is actually there causes her to scream hysterically.
She quickly drops the blanket back down and begins to
shake her hands in an effort to think what to do next.
MS. PEPPER continues to whine and tremble,
while the KIDS wonder if this is part of the game.)
COLIN Cool, I was not expecting a game of horror.
QUINTON Finally, this party is picking up.
JIMMY It was getting pretty lame.
KATIE Hey, not cool to say that!
COLIN (eagerly) So when can we look?
MS. PEPPER Uh, well, uh, it’s not, exactly,
. what I mean is - that – THAT is certainly
. not what I put there! Really-truly not.
TRISH Is it really that scary?
MS. PEPPER (in shock) It all – depends – I suppose.
COLIN Nothing can scare me.
. Just let us see it, already.
MS. PEPPER No! No, I do not want anybody –
. having nightmares because of this.
COLIN Could you at least describe it?
MS. PEPPER I suppose. Yes, I suppose I must.
. Ah, it – it was – furry. And – and pink.
. Yes, it definitely was pink.
TRISH (quietly) PINK and furry?
(TRISH has an idea of what it might be and begins
to panic, while best friend KATIE also understands.)
KATIE It – did not have - long ears, did it?
(MS. PEPPER nods, trying to hold back her tears.)
TRISH (going into quiet shock)
. Wubby? What is wrong with Wubby?
MS. PEPPER It – was – it is – it’s in two pieces.
TRISH (gasps) No! NO! It can’t be!
. Maybe it WAS NOT Wubby.
EMMA That’s right. Maybe it was a different
. stuffed toy.
TODD Doubtful. Trish only has one pink toy-
(TERRI madly shakes her head at TODD not to finish
TRISH You know better! Wubby is NOT a toy!
COLIN Awesome! So can we see it now?
KATIE (to COLIN) Have you no compassion?
COLIN Well, somebody needs to I.D. it.
. You know, just to make sure.
(SHELDON steps forward feigning great authority.)
SHELDON He’s right. Someone needs to identify
. the victim.
(COLIN steps forward to do it, but SHELDON holds him back
then looks around.)
SHELDON It really should be a family member.
TODD I’ll do it.
TERRI I can do it.
TODD It’s okay, I’ve got it.
TERRI I don’t quite trust you.
TODD Why, because I’m the brother?-
SHELDON BOTH of you could check.
(TERRI and TODD both lift up the blanket to peek beneath
then put it back down solemnly.)
TODD It’s Wubby, all right.
TRISH No! No! No, it can’t be. Noooo!
. It just can’t be.
TERRI There’s no denying the faint markings
. of that mustache Todd drew on it
. last year.
TODD (to TERRI) That was your idea!
TERRI You did not have to use a permanent marker!
(TRISH breaks down sobbing, and TERRI rolls her eyes,
but tries to console her with practical words.)
TERRI Trish, it’s just – it’s – well, you know,
. it’s all over, I’m afraid.
TRISH How will I go on? How will I ever go on?
KATIE I’ll buy you a new Wubby.
TRISH It would not be the same.
KATIE Maybe it could be fixed?
(KATIE and TRISH look hopefully toward TOOD and TERRI
who slowly shake their heads.)
TRISH I – I-I must see for myself.
KATIE Are you sure?
TRISH I need closure.
(TRISH slowly takes a peek underneath the blanket.
Putting the blanket back down, she takes a step backwards
and puts a horrified hand to her mouth, looking faint.
ANNETTE snickers and stops it quickly as KATIE leers
at her. ANNETTE quickly turns it into a fake cry
to hide the rest of her laughter.)
ANNETTE It’s just so sad. So very sad.
(TRISH finds a new resolve through a sudden rush
TRISH I need to know who would do such a thing!
. Well? Who did this? Who did in Wubby?
. I need a confession. I need to know now!
SHELDON (very business-like) I’ve got this.
TODD Watcha doing Sheldon? 6
TERRI Do you know who done it?
SHELDON No, I mean, I can help figure this out.
. I can take it from here.
GALE But Ms. Pepper is the party planner.
. Should she not be in charge?
(EVERYONE looks around for MS. PEPPER, who has been
reduced to a curled up little ball on the floor,
muttering to herself.)
MS. PEPPER This-this no longer is a party. This has –
. become - something else, something –
. entirely different.
SHELDON Like I said, I’ve got this.
. I watch all the detective shows on TV.
. First, we need a lockdown.
TODD A lockdown?
SHELDON No one leaves this party until
. we figure out who did in Wubby.
. (to TODD) Could you make sure
. that all doors are secured?
TODD Sure? (calling out) Mr. Douglas!
SHELDON Who are you calling?
TODD Our butler.
SHELDON Did you say – butler?
GALE You have a butler? I thought
. that was your dad.
(BUTLER appears and stands at attention.)
TODD Mr. Douglas, we need to have all the doors
. locked, so no one can come in or out.
QUINTON No buts- Mr. Butler – a crime
. has taken place.
BUTLER But, of course. 7
(BUTLER nods curtly and exits.)
SHELDON Huh, and he didn’t even balk at the word
. “crime.” I must put him at the top
. of my list of suspects. Which brings me
. to the next step.
TODD Which is?
SHELDON The second step: I will need that
. pen and paper now.
EMMA (to MS. PEPPER) Paper and pen?
(MS. PEPPER points weakly to a side table.
EMMA rushes a pad of paper and a pen over to SHELDON.
This can contain the script from this point on
to help SHELDON, except for the very ending.)
SHELDON You seem very eager to help, Emma.
. Do you maybe have something to hide?
EMMA No. I just want the culprit caught so I can
. get home in time to watch - “Glad Times.”
. I’ve never missed an episode, and I don’t
. intend to start now.
SHELDON You don’t DVR something that important?
EMMA Seems I’m not as smart as you.
SHELDON Now you’re flattering me. You’re on
. the list. (speaks to ALL) Which brings me
. to the third thing: I will have to question
. each and every one of you - privately.
EMMA You suspect all of us?
SHELDON I do not know yet. And there is the chance,
. that one of you unwittingly witnessed
. something that could help this case.
KATIE Shouldn’t we – get rid of the body first?
. It’s a little disconcerting.
SHELDON It’s evidence. (TRISH sobs)
. Alright! Someone! Could someone
. please get me some masking tape.
EMMA (looks quickly to MS.PEPPER) Masking tape?
(MS. PEPPER points to the side table again, and
EMMA brings SHELDON the tape. SHELDON carefully moves
the blanket off and forward, so the blanket hides
the bunny pieces. SHELDON quickly pretends to put tape
around the bunny pieces. This should already be there.
While SHELDON is busy with this, COLIN watches.)
SHELDON The way the body pieces have been
. carefully laid out shows that perhaps the
. crime was committed by someone who cared.
COLIN Whoa! Serious carnage! Someone really
. beat the stuffing out of Wubby! I mean,
. this thing was really slaughtered!
SHELDON Or not!
KATIE Again, Colin, have you no compassion?
COLIN I have not seen such a massacre since
. all my baby sister’s Barbies fell apart.
EMMA That’s horrible.
COLIN Limbs were everywhere.
TRISH Please stop.
COLIN We didn’t know which arm belonged
. to which Barbie.
RUSS Does it really make a difference?
GALE You have no idea! If you mixed
. the tanned parts of Beach Barbie with
. the alabaster parts of Princess Barbie,
. it would be a fashion nightmare!
(SHELDON finishes by setting the pink pieces of fur
on the blanket and wrapping it up like in a body bag.)
SHELDON Do you have a safe place to store the body?
TODD I can take care of it.
TERRI I can do it.
SHELDON (suddenly suspicious) Wait! You are 9
. both family members. You’re actually
. both at the top of the suspect list.
TERRI What?! I am innocent!
TODD I thought you said the butler was
. at the top of your suspect list?
SHELDON I just now remembered, family members
. always need to be ruled out first.
. (motions to body) Who else would have
. the best opportunity to do this?
SHELDON (motioning to body bag) Now, who could
. we trust to take care of this properly?
TERRI Mrs. Fellini could.
SHELDON And who is that?
TERRI The cook.
GALE You have a cook?!
TODD (calling out) Mrs. Fellini! We need you
. in here.
COOK It’s’a now’a time’a for a snack?
TERRI (points to the body bag)
. Mrs. Fellini, could you please put
. this somewhere safe?
COOK But’a what is’a this?
TERRI Trish’s Wubby. It has met a tragic demise.
TODD Just put it somewhere safe.
(COOK grabs the blanket with a curt nod and exits,
like she has gone out of her way to do something
that isn’t even her job.)
SHELDON She did not seem terribly upset or surprised.
. Maybe she does know something.
SHELDON (makes a note, then looks at TODD and TERRI)
. Is there anybody else I should know about?
TERRI Oh, there is Mr. Stellar, our chauffeur.
GALE You have a chauffeur?
TRISH Who cares! Do you only care about things?
. Wubby was my best friend in the whole world.
. Wubby went everywhere with me. Everywhere!
. Wubby - has always been there for me.
. And now Wubby is gone from my life.
(ANNETTE laughs again and tries to make it sound like
TRISH How could you laugh at a time like this?
. He’s gone, I tell you. Do you even know?
. I’ve had him ever since I was a baby.
. And he’s always been there for me, and now,
. I don’t know what I will do without him.
. We were going to see the world together –
. we were going to go to college together -
(SHELDON walks down the line of KIDS and studies them,
stopping when he comes to ANNETTE who still struggles
to disguise her giggle-fit.)
SHELDON I can see that all of you are suspects.
(SHELDON moves on to KATIE, who has remained by TRISH’S
side the entire time as the supportive friend.)
SHELDON Yes, even you, Katie.
(SHELDON sweeps the room with his eyes.)
SHELDON I’m now going to ask all of you
. to leave this room. I will interrogate
. each one of you separately until
. we get to the bottom of this.
. Unless, the perpetrator would like
. to step forward right now and confess...
. (waits a moment) No? Okay, everyone out.
. I will call into the room, the first suspect
. and-or witness – Ms. Pepper.
(EVERYONE exits, except for TRISH. EMMA stops to help
MS. PEPPER stand up and bring her forward while
SHELDON adjusts the two chairs at the front of the room
to face each other, but really they face more toward
audience. EMMA exits after helping MS. PEPPER to the chair.
SHELDON looks over at TRISH who sits down on the sofa.)
SHELDON (to TRISH) Are you sure that
. you want to stay for this?
TRISH I-I think so
SHELDON I don’t know if you can handle this.
. I ain’t going to lie, this won’t be easy.
TRISH I must be brave.
(SHELDON’S attention snaps to MS. PEPPER. Sitting down,
SHELDON takes a moment to study her.)
SHELDON Ms. Pepper, perhaps you had something
. to gain from this debacle.
MS. PEPPER What? What are talking about? Never!
. Why would I ever do such a thing?
SHELDON You protest too much. You had access.
. You had opportunity. Perhaps you had motive.
MS. PEPPER I am a party planner. My success depends
. on the success of each party. Nothing can
. go wrong or my reputation is ruined.
SHELDON Perhaps it is already ruined.
MS. PEPPER What? What are you talking about?
SHELDON I heard about the incident at
. Larry Robinsons’ paintballing party.
(MS. PEPPER gasps, and SHELDON continues.)
SHELDON That’s right. I heard how the birthday boy
. got it right in the eyes. One red, one blue!
. Did not wash off for days.
MS. PEPPER I had nothing to do with that. Naturally
. I would never PLAN for something like that
. to happen.
SHELDON And at Randy Wilson’s party,
. you arranged to serve
. peanut brittle Frisbees, which
. caused allergic reactions to half the kids-
. and missing teeth for at least two others.
MS. PEPPER That was an accident. A very bad accident!
SHELDON But your reputation has been tarnished.
(MS. PEPPER sobs briefly into her hands.)
SHELDON So now – you sabotage THIS party-
MS. PEPPER (looks up) What reason would I have?
SHELDON Because you want to break into the
. Murder Mystery party scene.
MS. PEPPER (very lightly) Oh, now there’s an idea.
. Why didn’t I think of that? (serious again)
. But I didn’t - I did not do this.
SHELDON Why should I believe you? Wubby’s body
. was found under the game that you yourself
. prepared just before the party began.
MS. PEPPER That I can NOT explain. I have no idea
. how that even got there.
SHELDON Then let us go through all your steps,
. shall we? Beginning with your arrival
. to this house.
MS. PEPPER Well, I entered the house.
. Met with the cook, to get a progress report
. on the food preparations.
SHELDON How did she seem to you?
MS. PEPPER The cook? She seemed, well,
. rather perturbed that I would even
. bother her. Her cooking and her kitchen
. is her kingdom, as I was so abruptly told.
SHELDON So she was abrupt?
MS. PEPPER And busy... she was busy chopping things.
SHELDON (writing) “busy chopping things” 13
. (looking up) Could you see WHAT
. she was chopping?
MS. PEPPER I did not pay too close attention to that.
. I had other things to do. I had to set up
. the games.
SHELDON As in – this game right here?
MS. PEPPER That’s right. I set it up, putting –
. all those little items on the coffee table-
. 40 items to be exact. NOT 41. Or –
. I suppose it really was 42 as it was-
(TRISH whimpers in the background at the thought of Wubby
in two pieces.)
SHELDON We get the picture. So Wubby was nowhere
. in sight at this point?
MS. PEPPER No, as far as I was concerned, I had never
. met – Wubby. Never even heard anyone
. mention the name “Wubby.” I simply finished
. putting all 40 items on the table,
. and covered it with the blanket.
. Then it was time to decorate.
SHELDON And you never noticed or saw anything
. suspicious or out of place?
MS. PEPPER Once the task of decorating was finished,
. I met with Trish, in the study, to go over
. the itinerary. She was determined to have
. a flash-back party with a 50s theme,
. of a time when things were so much more
. happy and innocent. (in a lower voice)
. I suppose there’s no escaping the traumas
. of the present time.
SHELDON I suppose so. (talks while writing)
. Trish, is that so? Did you meet
. with Ms. Pepper at 4 pm?
. (now looks back at TRISH)
TRISH Yes. In the study, at 4 pm, exactly.
. The party was to begin at 5 pm.
(SHELDON gets up to walk around the back of the room
while thinking and listening.)
SHELDON And we discovered the body at exactly...
. 6:37. Plenty of time for somebody to hide
. the body under the blanket. But, perhaps
. Wubby was injured long before any of this.
(SHELDON studies his notes, thinking, then looks up.)
SHELDON When did you last see Wubby in one piece?
TRISH 3:50 pm. I remember, because
. I said goodbye to him, explaining why
. he could not be at my party.
. I wanted to invite him, but,
. I knew the other kids would only make fun.
. But now, I just keep thinking,
. if only- if only I would not have been
. so embarrassed – he - he could have been
. right here - with me. All in one piece.
. But he’s not-
(SHLEDON stops to lean over the sofa to speak.)
SHELDON Trish, do not play the “what if” game.
. It will only drive you crazy.
. And you must not blame yourself.
. This was not your fault. You are
. not responsible for Wubby’s passing.
. You were – from what I hear –
. an excellent friend to Wubby.
TRISH Thank you.
SHELDON So you last saw Wubby at 3:50,
. and where exactly was this?
TRISH Up in my bedroom.
SHELDON Hm, interesting. This leads me to think
. that it was probably an inside job.
. All right, well Ms. Pepper,
. I am finished questioning you for now.
. Please send in – the cook – Mrs. Fellini.
MS. PEPPER You want ME to get her. Me? You do realize,
. she kind of scares me. A lot.
SHELDON I’m sure you’ll be fine.
. I know you can do it.
(MS. PEPPER exits, visibly nervous.) 15
SHELDON (to TRISH) Does the cook also scare you?
TRISH (thinks) No. At times she makes scary meals
. to eat, but no, she has never scared me.
. (quickly scared) But do not you dare
. tell her that she makes scary food!
(COOK enters. TRISH quickly sits still and rigid.)
SHELDON Mrs. Fellini, please sit down,
. I have a few questions to ask you.
COOK I’a no have’a time’a to sit down!
. There’s’a so much’a to do.
. Make’a the late night’a party cannoli.
. and’a clean up’a all the mess-
SHELDON But I need to ask you about your day-
COOK My day is’a spent in’a kitchen
. to’a cook like a crazy person.
. So much’a to do!
SHELDON Ms. Pepper says that you were abrupt
. with her.
COOK Yes, abrupt’a. I’a no have’a time
. for such’a crazy’a chit-chat.
SHELDON And you were chopping?
COOK Si! A lots’a chopping’a, dicing’a,
. stirring’a, mixing’a-
. You’a name it, I’a make it.
SHELDON Were you a’making rabbit?
COOK I no like’a rabbit.
SHELDON Did you have anything against Wubby?
COOK Wubby is’a – so sorry – Wubby was’a
. nice’a, soft’a tiny friend, si?
. But he was’a so old. No?
. But such’a shame. I’a go now.
. I’a have so much’a to do, with’a making
. more a’something for a’snack.
(COOK turns and leaves while still muttering.) 16
SHELDON All right then...
TRISH You don’t think she did it?
SHELDON Notice she said, “Wubby is-“ and then she
. made the correction to “Wubby was-” that’s
. a clue that she cares and – did not do it.
TRISH You think so?
SHELDON That’s the sort of thing they usually
. point out in the cop shows.
. The criminal would say “WAS” because
. the criminal would have it in their mind
. that the victim was already gone.
TRISH So Mrs. Fellini actually cared about Wubby?
. Even though she did not like rabbits?
SHELDON Seems that way. So Trish, why don’t you go
. and send in your brother. It’s probably
. best if you wait out there for now.
(TRISH nods her agreement while exiting. TODD enters.)
SHELDON Todd, have a seat.
(TODD and SHELDON sit down.)
TODD I did not do that, just so you realize.
. I could never do that.
SHELDON From what I hear, you like to tease
. and argue with your sisters.
TODD Sure, but I would never want to hurt them.
SHELDON Come on, I have sisters, too.
. I know how it can be. You never want to
. seek out revenge? For anything?
. I heard they squirted hand lotion
. into your mouth while you were asleep.
TODD That was mostly Terri’s doing.
. SHE’S the prankster of the family.
. If I wanted revenge on anybody,
. it would be Terri, not Trish.
SHELDON You’re saying Trish is the 17
. perfect sister?
TODD Noooo, but... look – even if I would
. play a prank on any of my sisters,
. I would never destroy something like Wubby.
. I just could not do such a thing.
. I know how much Wubby means to Trish,
. and - well, I totally understand.
SHELDON Oh yeah? How so?
TODD Look, you have to promise that you
. will never tell anybody about this.
SHELDON Okay, I’ll keep it – off the record.
TODD I loved Wubby – just like my – own –
TODD I know, not a very original name, but,
. you know, still he’s a very special bear.
SHELDON You still have a Teddy bear.
TODD You promised to keep it – off the record.
SHELDON But who can back this up.
TODD I could introduce you to the bear.
SHELDON How do I know you’re not just showing me
. one of your sister’s stuffed toys?
TODD Hey, it’s not a toy! But, ah,
. Mr. Douglas could back this up.
SHELDON The butler? All right, send in Mr. Douglas.
(TODD exits. BUTLER enters and stands at attention.)
SHELDON Mr. Douglas, the butler, please be seated.
BUTLER I prefer to stand.
SHELDON Suit yourself. So, ah, Todd says
. you can back up his story about – Teddy.
BUTLER (mildly surprised but speaks carefully) 18
. He told you about Teddy?
SHELDON Yes, I was sworn to secrecy though.
BUTLER Very well, it is true. Todd still has
. his Teddy bear.
SHELDON Now how can you convince me that
. you are not guilty of harming Wubby?
BUTLER I care about the well-being
. of all children in this house,
. as if they were my very own.
SHELDON If they WERE your very own children,
. would you encourage them to continue
. holding on to their baby toys?
BUTLER Master Sheldon, those are not toys.
SHELDON Where were you between 3:50 and 6:37 pm?
BUTLER I was assisting the cook, Mrs. Fellini.
SHELDON She never mentioned you.
BUTLER I was busy at the front end.
. Setting the tables and such.
. Once the guests started to arrive,
. I welcomed them, taking their
. coats and gifts and directing them
. to the dining room. You remember
. me serving you throughout the meal.
SHELDON I noticed that there were a few minutes
. where you were not serving us.
BUTLER I was in the kitchen, grabbing a bite
. to eat. Butlers are human, you realize,
. and require nourishment, as well.
SHELDON I understand. Very well, then,
. please send in Terri.
(BUTLER exits. TERRI enters.)
SHELDON Terri, would you like to sit?
(TERRI and SHELDON both sit down.)
SHELDON Terri-Terri-Terri- do you have a stuffed
. toy-FRIEND too? (quickly makes correction)
SHELDON I suppose if you really did,
. you probably would not tell me.
TERRI Do YOU have a stuffed – friend?
SHELDON (clearing throat, thinking)
. I will ask the questions, if you please.
. So, Terri, I understand sibling rivalry,
. especially between sisters.
TERRI (grunts) I’m far too busy for that
. sort of thing.
SHELDON So just where were you? Huh? I noticed
. that you were late to the party.
TERRI Sure, I had a soccer game.
SHELDON Maybe, you came back home and quickly
. went upstairs to, ah, get Wubby?
TERRI Simply no time. You can even ask my
. teammates, I showered and got ready
. right after the game. As soon as I got
. back home, I joined you all for supper.
SHELDON But there isn’t anyone to back your alibi.
TERRI (thinking) There is! Mr. Stellar.
SHELDON The chauffeur?
TERRI Yes. He drove me.
SHELDON Very well, send him in please.
(TERRI exits and CHAUFFEUR enters.)
SHELDON Mr. Stellar?
CHAUFFEUR That would be me. So, this
. is about Wubby?
. (joking) Poor widdo-Wubby?
SHELDON Yes, just how well did you know Wubby? 20
. Sounds like you were on a first-name basis.
CHAUFFEUR Sure thing. I’ve been driving these kids
. and their furry little toy-friends
. for several years now.
SHELDON Just now, you said, “toy-friends.”
(CHAUFFEUR looks slightly guilty, like he’s been caught
doing a bad thing. He shrugs it off.)
CHAUFFEUR Yeah, what of it?
SHELDON Well, do you use this term
. in front of the children?
CHAUFFEUR I know better than that. Look, I want
. to keep my job. So around the family,
. I watch what I say, and I watch what I do.
SHELDON So what time did you arrive at the house
. after picking Terri up from the soccer game?
CHAUFFEUR It was 5:21. I remember, because
. I was explicitly told to have Terri back
. as soon as possible because the party
. began at 5 pm. I had one eye on the road,
. and the other – well, every so often –
. I had the other eye on the time.
. When we arrived, I took note. 5:21.
SHELDON Then what did you do?
CHAUFFEUR Parked the car, came in the back entrance
. to the kitchen and grabbed a bite to eat.
SHELDON No wonder Mrs. Fellini feels so busy.
CHAUFFEUR Should I bring Mrs. Fellini back in?
. She can vouch for me.
SHELDON No-no, just leave her to her a’mixing.
. But you can send in... Annette!
(CHAUFFEUR exits. Unexpectedly, MR. and MRS. BERGMAN
enter with a kerfuffle, followed by TRISH, TODD
and TERRI. SHELDON just sits there, stunned.)
TRISH But Dad... Mom!
MR. BERGMAN (looking around and seeing SHELDON)
. Is that him? So what is the meaning
. of all this, young man?
. Who told you should interrogate the help?
MRS. B Mrs. Fellini is very distressed and
. cannot stop a’talking and a’mixing things,
. and Mr. Douglas is quite – well -
. “put off” – is what he would say.
MR. BERGMAN “Insulted” is the word he used.
MRS. B Oh yes, he uses that word a lot.
MR. BERGMAN (to SHELDON) Now, I cannot wait
. to hear the reasons behind all this-
TRISH Dad! Mom! Please, listen to me.
. You are crashing my birthday party.
MRS. B It does not seem like most of the kids
. are having any fun right now.
. Like take poor, Russell, for instance,
. who wants to go home already.
. (calling out) Russell! Russ!
. Please come here.
(RUSS enters tentatively.)
RUSS Oh, but, I-
MRS. B It’s okay dear, come right over here.
. (moves RUSS into position beside her)
. Russ is feeling like he does not belong.
(RUSS sighs with embarrassment so his whole body sinks.)
TODD Well, none of us feel like we belong.
. We’re teenagers.
MR. BERGMAN That is true. And let me tell you,
. things do not change much as an adult.
TERRI I’m sure that isn’t helping Russ.
TRISH Yeah, Russ, don’t go. My party isn’t over-
MRS. B I just do not understand what is happening.
MR. BERGMAN And again, when is it ever okay to
. interrogate the help?
TRISH You both gave me permission to plan my
. own party, with the help of Ms. Pepper.
MRS. B Who seems a little beside herself right now.
. What is her problem?
TERRI She seems a little like the sensitive type.
MRS. B Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
MR. BERGMAN My question remains the same.
MRS. B Which is what, again, dear?
MR. BERGMAN When is it ever okay to interrogate
. the help?
MRS. B Oh yes, that question.
SHELDON It’s actually a good question.
MR. BERGMAN Thank you, young man, but that does not
. get you off the hook. I think it is time
. for everyone to go home now.
TRISH Dad! No! You’re ruining my party.
. And we still have not figured out
. who did it yet.
MR. BERGMAN (thinks first) Did what?... Did what,
. young lady?
TERRI (thinking, then quickly jumps in)
. Well, that is why Sheldon is asking
. all these questions.
TRISH Sheldon is only helping.
TODD You see, there was this tragic incident,
. and now, we must get to the bottom of it.
. Sheldon is - our - detective.
MRS. B (gasping with excitement, then knowingly)
. You mean like a murder mystery!
TRISH Kind of-
MRS. B Why didn’t you say so!
. I LOVE those. Can we play?
TODD We already started?
MRS. B That’s okay. Oh! I love these so much.
. Catch me up. Which character should I be?
. The Southern Belle who acts all innocent?
. (suddenly goes into character)
. Oh, yo’re not suspecting little ol’ me,
. are ya? Whateva shall I do?
(TRISH, TODD and TERRI are stunned at first,
just watching with wide eyes as the scene unfolds.
MRS. BERGMAN plops herself down into the chair,
fanning herself with a hand.)
MRS. B Please, don’t be too hard on me,
. mister detective-man. I don’t know how much
. I can take. I’m so very frail, you know?
. But, go ahead now ya’hear, ask a question.
. Go on. I’ll try not to be a-feared.
SHELDON Oh-kay, ah, well, Mrs.-
MRS. B Miss, Miss Southern Belle, if ya please.
SHELDON Miss... Southern Belle, where have you been
. for the last 3 hours?
MRS. B Oh, is that when the crime happened?
. Was it simply dreadful?
SHELDON It was.
MRS. B Why, I simply cannot answer that question
. without making myself look completely
. suspicious. I have absolutely no alibi.
. Absolutely no alibi to speak of.
. Whateva am I going to do?
MR. BERGMAN (now getting into character with an accent)
. Well there, seems I can vouch for yo alibi,
. ma’am. Seeings how yo’ such a pertty
. little thing.
(RUSS is afraid to move, while the rest of the KIDS
roll their eyes in disbelief.)
MRS. B Why, you can? It’s a might-a 24
. big relief.
TRISH Mom – Dad, you’re embarrassing us.
MRS. B Well then, does that mean
. I’m off the hook?
SHELDON Yes. Ah, for now.
MR. BERGMAN I do not suppose you have
. any questions for me, young man?
SHELDON Only the same question. Ah,
. where were you in the last 3 hours?
MR. BERGMAN You’re good. You’re real good.
. But, you’re not good enough.
. Get back to me when you find some
. real evidence. Huh? Make my day.
MRS. B Oh, well, I guess we can
. retire now in the study.
. Yo’all can call on us there if yo’all
. need us for anymo’ questioning.
(SHELDON looks at RUSS, TRISH, TODD and TERRI.)
SHELDON You can send in Annette, now.
(RUSS exits with hesitation, followed by TRISH, TODD
and TERRI. ANNETTE enters and faces SHELDON with a leer.
They both speak very crisply to each other.)
SHELDON Hello – Annette.
ANNETTE All right.
SHELDON So –
ANNETTE You like?
ANNETTE You like me for it?
. The crime that is?
SHELDON Yes! I like you a lot – for the crime.
. I’m thinking you did it.
. You just LOOK guilty. And you sound guilty,
. what with all that giggling,
. and pretend-crying to cover up
. all that giggling. How could you?
ANNETTE I thought it was funny.
SHELDON (motioning to the taped-outline on table)
. Does this look funny to you?
(ANNETTE looks and bursts into a snicker and nods “yes”
through her suppressed laughter.)
ANNETTE It actually does.
SHELDON You thought dismembering a bunny
. would be funny?
ANNETTE (composing herself) Well not the actual ACT
. of dismembering a bunny, but in the moment,
. it seemed – I don’t know – oddly funny –
. I went into a couple of giggle-fits.
. So what?! That’s all I’m guilty of...
. giggle-fits. You’re going to, what?
. Throw me into jail and have me punished
. for that?
SHELDON You had nothing to do with the actual
. dismantling of Wubby?
(While talking, ANNETTE walks around the sofa
with a calculating walk, causing SHELDON to follow
the motion to stay on the opposite side of the sofa.)
ANNETTE No! Do you really think - if I had
. anything to do with the actual crime,
. that I would be laughing about it?
ANNETTE (stops to think, then agrees heartily) Eh,
. you’re right. I probably would be laughing.
. (continues her sly walk around the sofa)
. But if I only look guilty because of that,
. then Colin would look equally as guilty.
. He was just way too eager to see
. what was beneath the blanket. Right?
SHELDON Sure-sure. So- send in Colin, please.
ANNETTE (still crisply) My pleasure, Sheldon!
(ANNETTE exits and COLIN enters casually.)
COLIN What up?
SHELDON Sit down, please, Colin.
(COLIN and SHELDON both sit.)
SHELDON So, Colin, why were you so eager to see
. what was under the blanket?
COLIN Well, when that Pepper-lady screamed,
. I thought, cool, something crazy is under
. that blanket. I wanted to see what it was.
(SHELDON simply stares at COLIN. COLIN finally shrugs.)
COLIN That’s it.
SHELDON You had no idea that it was Wubby?
COLIN Never in a million years would
. I have guessed it was somebody’s
. stuffed toy – ripped apart.
. But – I gotta remember that one for future-
SHELDON Future what?
COLIN Nothing! I plead the fifth.
SHELDON The fifth what?
COLIN I’m not sure, but it amends something.
COLIN Yeah, I can be totally ignorant.
. Or is the word – innocent? I don’t know –
. Couldn’t you be like, ignorant of the facts
. which would make you innocent
. of any knowledge?
SHELDON (groans) You’re dismissed. Send in Katie.
COLIN Katie! Katie the flakey.
(COLIN exits. KATIE enters as she speaks back to COLIN.)
KATIE I am not flakey.
SHELDON Sit - please.
(KATIE quickly sits down on the sofa while
SHELDON paces behind her while firing off questions.)
SHELDON You consider yourself best friends
. with Trish?
SHELDON Would you ever say anything to her
. that would hurt her?
SHELDON Even if it was the truth?
KATIE If the truth hurts - keep it to yourself!
SHELDON So if you hurt Wubby,
. you would not tell her.
KATIE I would not hurt Wubby!
SHELDON What if the truth was important to know,
. would you tell her then?
KATIE Ahhhh, you’re trying to confuse me.
SHELDON So you said that you were best friends?
SHELDON But at the party, Trish admitted
. that Wubby was her best friend.
. Did that make you jealous?
KATIE Yes – ah – NO!
SHELDON Did you arrive early to help organize?
SHELDON Why not? You are supposed to be 28
. best friends. Isn’t that what
. a best friend would do?
KATIE Dad needed me to - wax his back
. this afternoon.
KATIE Tell me about it. My parents are leaving
. on a cruise tomorrow and-
SHELDON Too much information.
KATIE Well, someday I want to be a beautician,
. and that’s just one of the things
. you have to know how to do.
SHELDON Still, if you are able to do THAT-
. executing such a painful operation
. as to pour hot wax on someone and rip out-
KATIE You think I could ever harm Wubby?
. Never! What would my motive be?
SHELDON I don’t know. You admitted to being
KATIE Not of Wubby? Not really. You see,
. Wubby and my Twinkles-
SHELDON Twinkles being-
KATIE My stuffed Unicorn.
SHELDON “Twinkles” - the Unicorn?
KATIE Long story on the name. Anyway,
. Wubby and Twinkles got along famously.
. For years, they came along with us
. to every pajama party and birthday party –
. until now.
SHELDON Yes-yes – heard the story. So you decided
. that you were also too embarrassed
. to bring Twinkles to the party?
KATIE Yes. Now you probably think even less
. of me?
SHELDON Whatever. I’m done questioning you. 29
. Could you send in Emma?
(KATIE exits and EMMA enters.)
EMMA Did you need my help?
SHELDON Emma, you are a prime suspect,
. just because you have tried
. to be so helpful.
EMMA Maybe I just want to help.
. I’m just that kind of person, you know.
. I’m a helper. I like to help.
SHELDON You must be the teacher’s pet?
SHELDON Those kind of people make me sick.
. And suspicious.
EMMA Why? You do not think people
. can be good?
SHELDON Good, yes. Perfect, no.
EMMA Couldn’t there be a person who
. sincerely was just TRYING to be perfect?
SHELDON I suppose there could be such a person.
EMMA Like yourself?
SHELDON What about myself?
EMMA You are just like me.
SHELDON I am not.
EMMA You are. Admit it.
SHELDON You watch “Glad Times.” I would never
. bother watching that TV show.
EMMA Neither would-
(EMMA suddenly stops, realizing she’s admitted
SHELDON What is that? So you lied about 30
. watching “Glad Times”? THAT is why
. you do not DVR it. So WHAT
. are you really trying to hide?
. What are you really up to, Emma Kayler?
(EMMA clamps her mouth shut defiantly.)
SHELDON You don’t think I have a reason
. to suspect you?
EMMA (confesses) I do a Bible study
. with my parents and brother, okay.
SHELDON Oh. I guess we are kind of the same.
. And that’s nothing to be ashamed about.
(EMMA looks at SHELDON with a pouty but forgiving look.)
SHELDON Okay. I’ll keep this in mind.
. Meanwhile, send in Gale?
(EMMA exits. GALE enters.)
SHELDON Hi Gale.
GALE Why did you ask me in?
SHELDON Could not help but notice that you’re
. really jealous of Trish.
GALE NNNOOOo... Maybe just a bit. So what?
SHELDON Well, maybe you had a certain idea
. about hurting something close to Trish
. that would make her feel some pain,
. right at her own birthday party.
GALE Are you kidding me? And risk never being
. invited to one of her parties ever again?
SHELDON (feeling sudden frustration)
. Ah! AHHHHHHHHH!
(SHELDON paces the room while he loses it.
Scared, GALE rushes out, and TRISH rushes back in.)
TRISH Sheldon, what’s wrong? What is it?
. Did you figure it out?
SHELDON No! Are you kidding me? 31
. I’m no detective!
. I’m just a kid! A kid who
. does not know what he’s doing!
TRISH So you found out nothing?
SHELDON I found out - your cook feels overworked.
TRISH That’s nothing new.
SHELDON Ugh, I’m such a loser.
TRISH No you’re not. You’re a good friend,
. who tried to help me.
SHELDON But failed.
TRISH No. You actually helped. You gave me
. some words of wisdom and comfort before.
. And now I’m actually feeling a bit better,
. you know?
SHELDON I still want to know who did this.
. I still want to crack the case, you know?
TRISH I get that.
SHELDON But how? What would Sherlock Holmes do?
TRISH I have no idea.
SHELDON I have an idea.
. I HAVE – AN IDEA!!!
(SHELDON goes to door to call everyone into the room.)
SHELDON Everyone, please come into the family room.
. (to TRISH) I’ll be right back.
. Have them all stand in a group over there.
(SHELDON points to the side, then exits while
EVERYONE else enters.)
QUINTON What’s going on? Where’s he going?
TRISH No idea. But he wants everyone to 32
. stand in a group, right over there.
(EVERYONE, including COOK, BUTLER and CHAUFFEUR stand
in a group to the side. SHELDON returns with Wubby.
Taking the two pieces, SHELDON holds the pieces close
to each other, looking at the head.)
SHELDON What if I told you, that we just discovered
. a Wubby-cam?
SHELDON A Wubby-cam. You know, a miniature camera
. inside the stuffing - inside of Wubby.
. And what if I told you that it had
. recorded everything? What do you think
. Wubby all saw? Who do you think Wubby saw?
(SHELDON puts Wubby’s pieces together as if it is back
in one piece, then swings it slowly around the room
as if Wubby was looking at every suspect.
RUSS finally breaks down.)
RUSS All right, I did it!
TRISH What? So that’s why you wanted to
. go home early. You were feeling guilty.
SHELDON Well, what motive could you possibly have?
RUSS You – you’re surprised. You did NOT know?
SHELDON I did not say there WAS a camera
. inside Wubby, I just asked
. “what if there HAD been.”
RUSS Aw, man.
TRISH Russ, why – why would you do this?
RUSS I – I actually did not.
TODD Then why confess?
SHELDON Explain this, please.
RUSS Your dog, Tiny.
TERRI What has Tiny got to do with this? 33
TODD (calling out) Tiny? Tiny!
. Hey, where are you, Tiny boy?
. Where are you? Where are you, boy?
(SOUND EFFECT: huge dog barking off stage.)
COOK Oh, he was’a getting into everything.
. I’a put him out’a side.
TERRI Okay, so what did Tiny do?
RUSS I was walking through this room,
. looking for the bathroom,
. and I saw Tiny with that pink ah-with Wubby.
. In my defense, I just thought it was
. a dog toy. So I started playing
. with the dog, you know, tug-of-war.
RUSS It – just – came apart. You have
. a very big dog. Which you call, Tiny?
. Anyway, I just thought the dog’s toy broke.
. So I left the dog and the toy in the room,
. went to wash my hands, then –
. joined everyone again in the dining room
. for supper.
TODD But when we discovered Wubby, why did not
. you say something then?
RUSS Well, there were so many hysterical people
. in the room, and it - it seemed like
. such a big deal suddenly, so by then,
. I was terrified of saying anything.
. I thought maybe you would not believe me,
. and then you’d all hate me.
KATIE I suppose telling the truth in this case
. would have been best, even though
. it would have hurt.
TRISH Agreed. But why did you put it under
. the blanket?
RUSS Oh, I did not do that.
TODD Then who did? I know Tiny sure 34
. could not do that. It’s not
. the smartest dog on the block.
(While everyone is quietly thinking, MAID enters,
wearing an iPod, humming and dusting things in the back
so her back is turned to everyone. As she turns around,
she is shocked to see the group. MAID pulls out
MAID Oh! Hello. What is everyone
. doing here?
SHELDON Let me guess, the maid?
GALE Of course you have a maid.
TERRI Oh yeah, we forgot to tell you about
. Miss Carol.
MAID I am so sorry. Pardon. I will go- oh!
. (seeing Wubby) You – found it.
TODD By “it,” you are referring to Wubby?
MAID Yes. I came in here to clean up,
. and saw Wubby, all broken on the floor.
SHELDON Then what did you do?
MAID I did not know what to do.
. And I was in very big hurry.
. You were having this party.
. I knew you would be so upset
. if you saw it, so I thought –
. I should quickly hide it -
. until later. And then tell you.
(EVERYONE “aw”s with understanding.)
TODD Well we found it.
MAID I thought you would not play
. in here. You said you would be
. in the recreation room.
TRISH We had changed our mind.
MAID Oh, I am so sorry. I know how much
. you loved Wubby.
TRISH It’s okay-it’s okay. I’m going to survive.
. At least we know now how it happened.
. And it was all just an accident.
. A horrible - but mysterious accident.
. But - I found out - that I have some
. pretty good friends.
SHELDON And I solved my first case.
MS. PEPPER And I ruined another birthday party.
TRISH It was not ruined.
COLIN No, this was actually kind of cool.
ANNETTE It WAS fun.
TRISH And it’s still early.
MS. PEPPER Really? You’ll give me another chance?
. (perking up) Okay! To the living room
. where our next game is all set up.
. Oh, first, let me go on ahead to make sure
. everything is in its proper place.
(MS. PEPPER rushes out, while everyone laughs.
MR. and MRS. BERGMAN rush in.)
MR.BERGMAN What? The game is over already?
MRS. B So? Who done it?
TRISH The dog - AND the maid in the family room.
MRS. B (gasps) Ah, I did not see that coming!
MR.BERGMAN That’s right. It’s usually what?
. The butler in the study?
(BUTLER shakes his head and exits.)
TRISH Come on everyone, it may not be
. as exciting as this last one,
. but the next game is about to begin.
(ALL follow TRISH out the door.)