. all rights belong to Tanis Harms, © 2016
. refer to www.church-skits.com
MYSTERY DINNER - FARLEY’S DARLINGS
. – written by Tanis Harms
PREMISE: A crime has occurred at a hoity-toity
. charity ball and Farley’s detective darlings
. have been sent to out investigate, and ask
. the dinner guests to help search for clues
. and question the suspects in order
. to figure out who is the murderer.
STYLE: interactive murder mystery dinner
. spoofing Charlie’s Angels
NOTES: for CAST, SET, PROPS, OTHER INSTRUCTIONS
. $25.00 USD to receive a DIRECTOR'S PACKAGE
. how you receive this & package description
SCRIPT: ARRIVAL & APPETIZERS
(Dinner guests are welcomed at the door by a host.
This is where they will give their names or tickets,
if this is how you have organized the dinner.
Also have a seating chart & numbered tables if desired.)
(Since this takes place at a hoity-toity charity ball,
treat the dinner guests with extreme dignity and
white-glove courtesy. It could be fun to have
all your servers wearing black pants and white shirts,
with maybe white towels draped over their arms.
Here is an example of what the host can say...)
HOST Welcome to Uppity County’s
. annual Hoity-Toity Charity Ball.
. May I please have your name/s (tickets)?...
. Thank you, _.
. You will be seated momentarily.
(While guests are being seated, SERVERS walk around with
appetizers or place at tables. Most guests should be there,
but while some are still being seated...)
ON STAGE: 2
WAITER ushers SAMUEL to table 2, where he then standings,
looking around as if waiting for someone.
WAITER brings BENJAMIN and GLORIA to table 3.
BENJAMIN and GLORIA keep to a private conversation.
WAITER brings DIANE and BROOK to table 4.
BROOK stares longingly at SAMUEL with a secret crush.
DIANE glances at BENJAMIN and GLORIA from time to time,
who still avoid looking or associating with anyone.
WAITER can also serve appetizers to the ACTORS.
Once all guests have arrived and are seated...)
. INTRODUCTION – (DURING APPETIZERS)
. CENTER STAGE
(TONYA enters and speaks to the ACTORS,
commandingly enough to get everyone’s attention...)
TONYA I hope everything is to your satisfaction,
. ladies and gentlemen. Now if you could
. please find your seats in the banquet hall,
. dinner service is about to begin.
(While ACTORS exit stage right, TONYA goes to the podium
to get ready with her notes, but reacts with restraint
when BROOK, DIANE and GLORIA start screaming offstage.
They can alternate, and this can be made to be comical.
SAMUEL, BROOK, DIANE, BENJAMIN and GLORIA rush back in,
trembling. TONYA rushes over to them.)
TONYA What? What is it? Another fallen bird’s nest?
BROOK Almost as bad...
DIANE Cary Mary Solarry – appears to be –
GLORIA Dead. She looks very dead.
BENJAMIN Just what we need. A scandal.
SAMUEL I need a scandal like a hole in the head.
BENJAMIN No one needs a scandal! And...
. (to TONYA) THAT is why you must find
. some PRIVATE detectives to handle this case-
. quietly... VERY - quietly.
(ALL ACTORS show their agreement to this plan.
TONYA is complete on board with this reasoning, as well.)
TONYA I will make a call right away. But first-
. if we do not want to raise any speculations,
. we should get the dinner service started.
. THAT– and I do not want to ruin my career
. or reputation over all this.
(ACTORS exit as TONYA steps up to podium.)
TONYA (bracing herself) Good evening and welcome.
. Ahhhh, there was just a little incident,
. but we are taking care of that.
. So please – do not worry about anything.
. We will first open tonight’s dinner
. with a word of prayer, by (name).
TONYA Thank you, (name). We want to again
. welcome everyone - to Uppity County’s
. annual Hoity-Toity Charity Ball.
. I am your host, Tonya Kimbel.
. Tonight we will be raising funds
. which will go towards purchasing
. a specialized leg brace and providing
. the very best doctor’s care to benefit
. the clubhouse’s beloved racehorse
. also fondly known as Skipper.
. Such an unfortunate tragedy!
. We want to do what we can to send
. our best wishes and hopes for a full –
. and very fast - recovery. And with that,
. we will begin our evening’s dinner
. with the first course. Please enjoy.
(Remove dirty dishes from before while serving the salad.)
. FIRST COURSE: SALAD
(Once guests are all eating, then...)
FARLEY (V/O) "Once upon a time there were
. three darling young women
. who all went to the Police Academy.
. And they were each assigned very dicey
. and dangerous duties. But I took them
. away from all such nonsense,
. and now they work for me.
. My name - is - Farley."
(Keep energy going by acting large so that guests 4
will know something important is happening.)
. ACT 1
. STAGE RIGHT
SOUND: phone ringing
(SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL rush out,
all wearing stilettos and cute casual outfits.
APRIL holds out a cellphone with great excitement,
then stops to hold it out in front and
stares at it with a big smile.
SHELLY and CAMERON flank APRIL and lean forward,
smiling at the cellphone, anticipating the conversation.)
SHELLY It must be Farley – calling
. with an assignment for us.
(Excited, APRIL stares at the cellphone in her hands.)
CAMERON Well?... April, you have to answer it.
APRIL (gushing) Hi, Farley.
(Excited, APRIL still stares at the cellphone with
a big smile. SHELLY reaches over and presses something
on the cellphone screen.)
FARLEY (V/O) Darlings?
APRIL (gushing) Hi, Farley.
FARLEY (V/O) How are doing today,
. my detective darlings?
. Are you ready for today’s assignment?
APRIL I was just going to do my nails.
. (at CAMERON questioning glance)
. But... that can wait. I think.
. (studying her nails and sadly admits)
. Yeah, I suppose it can wait.
CAMERON Yes, Farley, we’re ready and waiting.
SHELLY Just tell us what and where?
FARLEY (V/O) There has been a murder
. at the Uppity County’s annual
. Hoity-Toity Charity Ball.
APRIL How awful! I hope it wasn’t
. our beloved racehorse,
FARLEY (V/O) No. It was a wealthy woman
. by the name of Cary Mary Solarry.
APRIL Awww, what an unfortunate name...
FARLEY (V/O) It is at a hoity-toity charity ball,
. and you may have to go undercover –
. so be ready for that.
APRIL So I WILL have to do my nails!
FARLEY (V/O) You must get there quickly.
. Do a lockdown, and
. investigate the crime scene.
CAMERON We’re on it.
SHELLY You can count on us to solve the crime.
FARLEY (V/O) Thank you, my detective darlings.
APRIL Bye, Farley.
(SHELLY reaches over to end the call.)
CAMERON Well, you heard the boss, we have
. our marching orders.
APRIL Not once did I hear him say
. we had to march.
CAMERON (thinking) You have a ridiculous knack
. for remembering details, April.
APRIL (very sincerely) Thank you.
SHELLY Well then, shall we say,
. we have our assignment, let’s go.
APRIL And let’s not forget to pack
. our cute undercover outfits.
(SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL exit stage right with
. STAGE RIGHT 6
(Still in stilettos, but now with classy purses
slung around their shoulders, SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL
rush in and strike their shooting poses and freeze.
They cautiously look around without moving. Finally...)
(SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL slowly relax their poses and
put away their pretend weapons, while huddling together
to go over the case with a few hair-flicks.)
SHELLY Okay, so we saw the body. And we now know
. that it was death – by poisoning.
APRIL (raises her hand until SHELLY nods)
. And how do we know that?
SHELLY All telltale signs were there, and-
. we found this vial of poison.
. (holds up vial in a plastic bag)
. No leads yet on this weird fingerprint, but
. the poison analysis shows us that it was
. a special blend. Something only
. a homeopath would know.
CAMERON So we’re looking for a psychopathic
. homeopath, or a psychopath with
. homeopathic connections.
SHELLY I’m thinking, in order to figure out
. potential motives to kill our victim –
. we should know something about our victim.
APRIL (matter-of-factly) Her makeup was a mess.
CAMERON Who cares about her makeup-
APRIL I mean, that could be a clue.
. The victim’s lipstick was smeared.
SHELLY So she was kissing someone right before
. she died? Maybe we’re on the lookout
. for a jealous boyfriend.
CAMERON Or a jealous girl – if this Cary Mary Scary
. woman was “chatting” to the wrong guy.
SHELLY (to April) Anything else, Miss Fashionista?
APRIL Her bling was missing.
CAMERON You assume she was wearing jewelry.
APRIL Please! Anyone who would wear that dress,
. would never dream of going out in public
. without the appropriate bling –
. LOTS of bling. And it would not be cheap.
. She would feel it necessary to wear jewelry
. that cost way more than her shoes.
. And I noticed! She had awesome shoes!
SHELLY So we might be on the lookout for a thief?
CAMERON Or just a desperate kleptomaniac.
APRIL AND - her purse was missing.
. Who does that? Who would go to
. a hoity-toity-charity ball without a purse?
(SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL all quickly check to make sure
their purses are with them, and give a sigh of relief.)
SHELLY So perhaps she had information on her
. that someone wanted to hide or destroy?
CAMERON Or – information that someone wanted.
APRIL (realizing) Or maybe, on second thought,
. she could have just had a very bad sense...
. (noticing the stares) I’m serious.
SHELLY Let’s go start the questioning.
CAMERON Wait – we have to exit and re-enter.
SHELLY We’re practically inside already,
. why not just-
(SHELLY motions to center stage)
CAMERON We actually create more of a sensation
. when we make our grand entrance.
APRIL It’s true.
SHELLY You’re right. My bad.
(SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL exit.)
. CENTER STAGE
(TONYA enters center stage from podium area when
SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL rush in to center stage,
and strike their shooting poses and freeze. TONYA studies
them for a moment, then approaches without any fear.)
TONYA What are you doing?
APRIL Doing our grand entrance pose.
TONYA May I help you?
(SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL unfreeze, putting their
imaginary weapons away.)
SHELLY We’re the private detectives: Shelly,
. Cameron and April, here to investigate
. the suspicious passing of Scary Mary-
TONYA You mean, Miss Cary Mary Solarry.
. And you’re sure you are detectives?
(SHELLY and CAMERON pull out detective badges.
APRIL pulls out a powder compact and flips that open.)
CAMERON (aside) April, you’re flashing your
. makeup compact again.
(APRIL fishes for badge while the others keep talking.)
CAMERON (to TONYA) And to answer your question,
. yes, yes we are detectives.
(APRIL finally finds her badge and flashes it,
flicking her hair back over her shoulders.)
APRIL And super good ones, too!
TONYA You’re all wearing stilettos.
APRIL Super good detectives – and super cute.
. We’re always dressed and
. ready for anything.
TONYA Dressed for what? Work to evening wear?
APRIL Ah – YEAH! 9
CAMERON (trying to sound tough and in control)
. And the extra height makes us look
. way more intimidating.
SHELLY Which lends itself to an aura of authority!
TONYA Okay. So why are there three of you?
APRIL The 3 of us together,
. make one super-duper detective.
. (motions to SHELLY) She’s the brains.
. (immediately pulls out gum to chew,
. or always just pretends)
SHELLY (motions to CAMERON) She’s the brawn.
CAMERON (motions to APRIL) And she’s...
(APRIL is now chewing gum, flipping her hair back
over her shoulders, then looking into space.)
CAMERON (aside to APRIL) April! Get rid of the gum.
SHELLY Well... April... she’s...
. (looks at CAMERON for help)
CAMERON Don’t look at me. YOU’RE the brains.
. (aside to April again, firmer this time)
. April! Get rid of the gum!
APRIL (aside) Gum makes me look tough.
CAMERON (aside) It really does not. And,
. it’s very unprofessional... and un-cute.
(APRIL quickly takes out gum.)
APRIL (aside) Good to know.
SHELLY (to Tonya) Excuse us for a moment.
(SHELLY grabs CAMERON and APRIL by the arms and
they shuffle to the side to huddle.)
SHELLY We need to regroup, here.
. We – are – detectives. Let’s be
. the detectives. Be – the detectives.
(CAMERON and APRIL nod, and they return to TONYA 10
with newfound authority. SHELLY takes out
a paper pad and pen to get ready.)
CAMERON So – yes – we are the detectives.
. We’re going to enforce a lockdown,
. in order to question all the guests.
. Now, who’s in charge of this shindig?
TONYA (is outraged and indignant)
. I am. And this is the furthest thing
. from a “shindig.” (rolling her eyes)
CAMERON Sorry. And the name is?
TONYA It’s the Uppity County’s annual
. Hoity-Toity Charity Ball.
CAMERON I meant – your name?
TONYA Tonya... Tonya Kimble. And, I was the one
. who called your detective agency.
. I heard of its reputation, and we would like
. this entire incident to remain very discreet.
. We’re dealing with the community’s most
. elite members. So I hope you understand
. the importance of keeping things hush-hush.
SHELLY Oookay. No problem. So, Sandra Crinkle-
TONYA Tonya Kimble- actually, you can call me
. whatever you want. As long as you do not
. call my function a shindig.
SHELLY Got it. So tell us– what is this area here?
. (motions around center stage)
TONYA This is the VIP lounge. For VIPs only.
. Our wealthiest guests like to escape
. from the regular folk over there-
. (motions to guests) No offense. Understand!
. They’re all very high maintenance.
. Please don’t tell them that I said so.
. Anyway, between courses, they like to
. escape to this VIP lounge, so they can
. hobnob with the other elites.
SHELLY And (reading name) Cary Mary Solarry
. was one of the VIPs?
TONYA She was. Yes. 11
SHELLY And she was found deceased at some point
. between the appetizers and salad?
TONYA She was. Yes.
CAMERON (cluing in on Shelly’s line of questioning)
. Well done, Shelly. I know where
. you’re going with this.
APRIL (to SHELLY) Shelly, you cannot go anywhere
. until we figure this out.
SHELLY I’m staying right here.
CAMERON (cluing April in) Shelly believes that
. the killer has to be one of the VIP guests.
(TONYA nods with keen interest and agreement.)
APRIL Oohhhhh... clever. She still better stick
. around. We cannot do this without her.
SHELLY Staying right here!... Now, Tonya,
. if you could, please bring in the VIP guests
. one at a time for questioning.
(TONYA begins to exit stage left.)
SHELLY We’ll just set up our questioning here-
. at this podium thing-
(While SHELLY moves toward the podium, TONYA does
an about face and spreads her arms out to intercept,
shooing the DETECTIVES over to a tall table.)
TONYA Noooooooo, this my podium! No one
. goes near my podium! I am the host of this
. shindig- this hoity-toity charity ball.
. And– I still have my job to do,
. but you can...
(TONYA looks around and ushers the DECTIVES to
a tall table across the stage from the podium.)
TONYA You can use one of these tables
. over HERE. Thank you. I will now bring
. the first victim- ah, I mean, suspect.
. Right? That’s what you call them?
(TONYA nods and exits stage left. Then...)
CAMERON She’s a jumpy little girl.
APRIL Of course she is! She’s in charge
. of the hoity-toity charity ball.
. That’s a big deal. I’d be jumpy too.
. And jump-to-it-iveness would help any girl
. who wants to get into event planning.
CAMERON (realizing) She’s social-network girl!
SHELLY Who? Tonya Kimble?
CAMERON (to SHELLY) April!... You’re the brains,
. I’m the brawn, April is social-network girl.
(TONYA enters with SAMUEL and motions for him to go
to the interrogation table. TONYA stands to the side.)
TONYA This is Samuel Silverman. He is-
. WAS the boyfriend to Cary Mary Solarry.
SHELLY (writing notes) Samuel Silverman.
. Boyfriend! Were you, really?
(SAMUEL nods, then wavers and shrugs.)
CAMERON You don’t seem so sure about that. And
. you don’t seem very sad about her death.
(SAMUEL breaks down crying. APRIL goes into her purse
to pull out a tissue for SAMUEL to use.)
APRIL Aw, why’d you go make him cry?
SHELLY Sorry for your loss.
SAMUEL Thanks. We were going to break up anyway.
. I don’t really know why. She was talking
. as if she was going to go into some kind
. of career, and so she needed – more space.
APRIL Well, when you have a career,
. you do need WAY more clothes, which means
. you do need WAY more closet space-
CAMERON She probably meant emotional space. 13
. Or maybe more time - in order to
. dedicate herself to those career efforts.
SAMUEL Is that what it means?
APRIL (turns to SAMUEL and shrugs)
. All I ever need is more closet space.
SHELLY (to SAMUEL) Okay, so because you’re a VIP,
. I’m assuming that you are wealthy.
SAMUEL I’m an entrepreneur who’s doing well, yes.
CAMERON And you look like you’re fit.
SAMUEL I like to keep in shape.
. I’m in a high-stress occupation,
. so I want to stay healthy.
CAMERON Uh-huh. I understand completely.
. And so tell me, do you ever see a homeopath?
SAMUEL Ah, I have been to a few health food stores.
(APRIL leans over, elbows on the table, resting
her chin on her hands, blinking into SAMUEL’S eyes.)
APRIL So, Samuel, if you were breaking up,
. why’d you kiss her?
SAMUEL We- we did NOT kiss. There was arguing,
. but no kissing.
APRIL Samuel, did you kill your girlfriend?
SAMUEL What? Are you crazy?
APRIL You said you were arguing.
SAMUEL It was just a little argument.
CAMERON Sure–sure. But then things got out of hand
. because you thought maybe your life was over
. without her – and if you couldn’t have her –
. then no one else should-
SAMUEL I– I need – to get some air.
(SAMUEL staggers off stage left.)
SHELLY (to TONYA) Next VIP, please.
(TONYA nods and exits after SAMUEL.)
CAMERON Well that was a little suspicious.
APRIL SOooooo suspicious. Everyone needs air.
. We DO have air - right - here!
CAMERON Yes, because THAT is what I meant.
(TONYA enters with BROOK and announces with disdain.)
TONYA This is Brook Meriwether.
. Someone who has always wanted
. to date Samuel Silverman.
BROOK (balking at TONYA) What? How could you-
. Why would you just go and say that?
SHELLY Is it true?
(BROOK clamps her mouth closed defiantly.)
APRIL Were you jealous?
(BROOK still stands her ground.)
CAMERON Are you going to hold your breath next?
APRIL Yeah, ‘cause if you are, we can outlast you,
. ‘cause we are going to be breathing.
(APRIL poses in a stare down and soon starts to swoon.
CAMERON gently shakes APRIL by her shoulders.)
CAMERON (aside) April. You’re holding your breath.
(APRIL catches her breath and finally stands up straight
with a flip of her hair.)
APRIL Anyway, did you know that Samuel and
. Very Scary Cary were going to break up?
BROOK (shock) What? They – they were going
. to break up? (happily) Really?
. They were really going to break up?
. (dread) Ohhh, they were going to break up.
. (sadly) Awww, they were going to break up!
APRIL Did you or didn’t you want them to break up?
(BROOK puts an upset hand over her mouth.)
SHELLY Are you on any special diet?
. Or how do you stay so svelte?
CAMERON Svelte? Who even uses that word?
(APRIL leans forward resting her chin in her hands.)
APRIL Still, whatever that means,
. tell us your secret.
BROOK A girl has to have her secrets.
CAMERON Is one of your secrets – about –
. getting Smary Rare-y out of the picture.
BROOK (fights the urge to smile)
. What? Noooo... But- I– I have to go.
. I have to find – Ssssam-SOMEONE -
(BROOK fights the urge to run out, and tries to
remain dainty. TONYA exits after her.)
SHELLY Tonya – next- (noticing she’s gone)
. She really is on top of things, isn’t she?
APRIL Keep her name on file.
. If I ever get married,
. I want her as my wedding planner.
CAMERON You first have to find someone to date.
APRIL Ohhh, I wonder if she’s also a match-maker.
. I get the feeling she’s one of those women
. who can do everything!
(TONYA returns with DIANE.)
TONYA This is Diane Prospect. She is
. well-known for her jewelry collection.
. She’s an avid jewelry collector.
SHELLY Oh, really. What kind of jewelry?
DIANE Nothing you could afford.
SHELLY Did you like Very Mary’s jewelry? 16
DIANE Oh yes. I would have done anything to get
. my hands on those- well not anything.
SHELLY Are you sure?
DIANE Quite. I’m ruthless, but I’m not
. a monster.
APRIL So she WAS wearing jewelry!
DIANE Of course she was! Did you see her dress?
APRIL I know, right!?
DIANE So most of her jewelry is custom designed.
APRIL Get out!
CAMERON But not just yet. Would you consider
. yourself a successful jewelry collector?
DIANE Of course. I have a great eye,
. and I’m an awesome negotiator.
. I always get what I want! Except-
. that I do not ALWAYS get what I want.
. I was just hoping that Cary Mary would cave.
. She was investing with Mr. Benjamin Strump,
. and had lost quite a bit of money.
. I was willing to pay quite a lot
. to get her entire collection. However,
. she still said she was not interested.
. And that is the end of the story.
APRIL I love stories. But this one did not have
. such a happy ending. Will there be a sequel?
TONYA Cary Mary’s investor, Mr. Benjamin Strump,
. is one of the VIPs here with us today.
SHELLY Even more interesting.
DIANE So I may go now?
(TONYA decides to exit to get another suspect.)
CAMERON One more question. Do you like health food?
DIANE THAT is the other question?
. Such a strange question!
. For what it’s worth,
. I do try to eat healthy.
(DIANE decides it’s over and leaves.)
CAMERON I do not know what to make of that.
APRIL It’s hard to think when I’m so hungry.
CAMERON Is your wit only limited by hunger?
APRIL Not fair! You’re asking a tricky question
. when I’m hungry.
(TONYA leads in BENJAMIN and GLORIA.)
TONYA Benjamin and Gloria Strump.
. I tried to bring them in separately-
GLORIA We are married. We come as a team.
TONYA Benjamin is the one who sold the victim
. a bad investment.
GLORIA (appalled) HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
TONYA I guess news is getting around
. faster than you would like.
GLORIA Impossible. Who would have blabbed?
. This is not good. This is not good.
. Benjamin. We’re ruined. People know!
. How can people know!? We did things
. hoping that no one would ever know.
CAMERON What kind of things?
GLORIA Oh, ahhhh, just – things. Like –
. not talking about it.
BENJAMIN And - not - one more word. I want my lawyer.
. Gloria, not another word.
APRIL Can you at least answer questions about
. food? Like, I’m so hungry right now,
. all I can think about is food.
BENJAMIN Sounds harmless enough. 18
SHELLY What sort of meals do you eat?
GLORIA We have a cook. We eat whatever she makes.
BENJAMIN And we are done, here. Thank you.
(BENJAMIN and GLORIA exit. TONYA is about to...)
TONYA That was the last of them-
SHELLY Tonya! What about you?
. Where do you like to grocery shop?
TONYA Not in any hoity-toity grocery stores,
. that’s for sure. I can’t afford anything
. like that.
APRIL I love your retro look, by the way.
. A little bit 60s. So cute.
. Where did you get the dress, anyway?
TONYA I really should make the next announcement.
SHELLY Tonya, we are just curious about one thing-
APRIL Yes, we really want to know where you got
. that dress.
SHELLY Not about the dress.
APRIL Oh. Okay. We are curious about two things.
SHELLY Tonya, how do you know so much about the VIPs?
TONYA Oh, well, ah, being the event coordinator,
. I just overhear things.
SHELLY But, if the Strumps were not talking
. about their financial ruin,
. how in the world did you know about it?
TONYA Easy. At last month’s charity ball,
. to raise money for the reconstructive
. ear surgery on Fru-Fru-Fluffy,
. the Jone’s dear sweet pedigree Papillon,
. Benjamin and Gloria made a big spectacle
. of giving ten thousand dollars.
. Their check bounced.
CAMERON Did you ever think of blackmailing them?
(SHELLY writes notes as TONYA talks.
CAMERON stares intently at TONYA.
APRIL stares into space – maybe thinking.)
TONYA No! Of course not! I’m not that kind
. of girl. I believe in hard work.
. I’m all about my work. I plan
. to work my way up the success ladder
. and make a name for myself.
. Now, I have to announce to the guests
. that dinner is served. Please excuse me.
(APRIL looks happy, until SHELLY says...)
SHELLY No problem. We’ll be leaving now.
. We have notes to discuss.
APRIL Awwww! But I’m hungry.
(SHELLY grabs CAMERON and APRIL by the arms and
they shuffle to the side to huddle.)
SHELLY We’re not really going to leave.
. And we don’t really have any worthy notes
. to go over. Looks like we’re going
. to have to set up a sting operation.
APRIL I’m afraid of wasps and bees!
. Actually - anything that stings, really.
CAMERON She means, we’re going undercover.
APRIL Ohhhh. Awesome. I can’t wait!
. Going undercover at the charity ball!
. (does a ditsy happy-dance)
SHELLY And we won’t be sitting down to dinner.
. There’s no time to eat. There’s work to do.
(APRIL groans, as they exit. TONYA goes to the podium.)
TONYA May I have your attention, please.
. Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served.
. I hope we have not kept you waiting
. too long. But the food is going to be
. the best you have ever tasted,
. so it will be well worth your wait.
. ACT 2 & SECOND COURSE: MAIN DISH
. STAGE RIGHT
(Clear away dirty dishes while serving mail course. Then...
SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL enter wearing fancy evening gowns.
APRIL is [pretending] chewing something.
CAMERON sees her and says something.)
CAMERON April, are you chewing gum again?
. (APRIL shakes her head and chews quicker)
. Did you snag some food from someone’s plate?
. (APRIL shrugs, still chewing)
. Spit it out – now.
(APRIL [pretends] to swallow big then opens her mouth for
CAMERON to see. Then APRIL starts pointing at her feet.)
APRIL See? When we wear stilettos
. we’re always ready for anything.
. Like going undercover as super models.
SHELLY Yes. You were so right.
. This was a great idea for a cover.
APRIL Besides, I always wanted to be a super model.
CAMERON So why did you become a detective?
APRL Well, when I was just a little girl,
. I read all those Nancy Drew books –
. about a young girl who wore cute clothes
. and figured things out. I thought
. that was so cool. And then,
. it was when my diary went missing.
. I remember, because something humiliating
. happened around that time, and I wanted
. to write all about my feelings in the diary,
. but I could not find it anywhere.
. So all I could do was just tell Barbie doll
. all about – how my brother and his friends
. were laughing about me because they knew
. I had a secret crush on the neighbor boy,
. Peter Parcheesi. The mystery remains
. unsolved to this day – I still do not know
. how my brother and his friends
. knew about my crush on Peter Parcheesi.
(Still and silent they stare at each other. Finally...)
SHELLY The modeling agencies turned you down? 21
APRIL They said I wasn’t smart enough.
APRIL (notices the audience listening to them)
. Hey, all of you over there, if you could
. just keep your eyes and ears open.
. And if you see something that could help us,
. TELL US. Just – NOT - while we are undercover.
CAMERON April. You just blew our cover.
. Now what are we going to do?
SHELLY We can switch wigs.
. And maybe speak with an accent?
APRIL All right, British govnah.
SHELLY Is that your accent?
APRIL Why, yes it is, govnah.
SHELLY Maybe it’s best if you do not talk.
. Like - at all.
CAMERON It’s always best if she doesn’t talk.
APRIL (gasping) I would be so offended
. if that was not so true.
CAMERSON I’m sorry, April. We know you’re
. very smart - in your own unique way!
(SHELLY talks as they switch wigs:
SHELLY taking the shorter brunette wig from CAMERON,
who takes the blond long wig from APRIL,
who takes the dark long haired wig from SHELLY.)
SHELLY You know, we should establish what
. we’re going to be while undercover.
CAMERON You’re right. Not only should we
. be undercover, but we should act as decoys.
. We need to act like we have something
. that the perpetrator would want.
SHELLY We’ve already established the motive e
. to be either: jealousy, greed, or anger.
APRIL Oh, so the smeared lipstick clue means
. one of us should be a lonely damsel in
. distress who wants the attention of a guy?
SHELLY I guess that could be me.
APRIL And the stolen jewelry clue means
. one of us should be wearing tons of bling.
. Which sadly would not work with my dress.
CAMERON (sneering) What? That means me?
(SHELLY helps put sparkly jewelry onto CAMERON.)
APRIL And that leaves the missing-purse-clue.
. So I’ll be the person who has
. important knowledge about something.
CAMERON Better make that – a mysterious person
. with important knowledge about something.
. (to APRIL) Mysterious people never talk.
(APRIL motions with her fingers that her lips are sealed.)
SHELLY Okay. Let’s go mingle with the VIP guests.
CAMERON Wait – we need to go back out
. and make a proper entrance.
(SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL quickly exit.)
. CENTER STAGE
(SAMUEL, BROOK, DIANE, BENJAMIN and GLORIA enter and
mingle at table 1. Maybe they already have drinks.
WAITER enters with tray of chocolate bonbons.)
BROOK Is that chocolate? (WAITER nods)
. Keep it away from me! I’m very allergic.
DIANE This month’s diet sadly does not
. include chocolate.
GLORIA Haven’t had chocolate in years!
. Crazy hot-flashing! And that’s
. the last thing I need right now.
SAMUEL I just do not understand
. what women see in chocolate.
BENJAMIN Never touch the stuff.
(TONYA enters and sees the tray.)
TONYA Oooo, chocolate!
(TONYA takes one to eat on her way to organize her notes
at the podium. Suddenly SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL
enter and strike their shooting poses and freeze.
VIP GUESTS all stop to stare and wonder. Seeing this,
TONYA approaches SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL.)
TONYA Who are you? And what are you doing?
APRIL Posing as models.
CAMERON We’re – posing - models.
SHELLY We are models, practicing our posing.
CAMERON And – relax.
(SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL pretend to secretly put their
weapons away while a perplexed TONYA watches them.)
TONYA Do you have proper clearance to be in
. this restricted area for VIPs only?
APRIL Yes! We are super rich super models,
. who pose, and then people take our pictures.
. So we’re very VIP.
(SHELLY, CAMERON and APRIL walk away and huddle.)
SHELLY That was close.
CAMERON Do not blow our cover.
APRIL Oooo, we’re cover models. Get it?
CAMERON Wow. Okay, let’s spread out
. so we’re less intimidating.
APRIL I thought we liked that.
CAMERON When we’re questioning people
. and chasing down criminals, yes.
. Undercover, no. We want people
. to come talk to us. Remember?
APRIL Right. Okay. I’m going to go there,
. (pointing to table 2)
. and stand close to the people who might
. be interested in some “information.”
(DETECTIVES split up and aimlessly wander their tables:
APRIL-table 2, CAMERON-3, SHELLY-4. While TONYA
mimes having a conversation with the VIP GUESTS,
they all keep stealing glances at the DETECTIVES.
DIANE is interested in the jewelry that CAMERON wears.
BENJAMIN and GLORIA focus more on APRIL and
the purse that she keeps hugging protectively.
SAMUEL is interested in SHELLY. And BROOK keeps
looking jealously from SAMUEL to SHELLY. Finally,
DIANE breaks away and approaches SHELLY.)
DIANE Hello, I’m Diane Prospect.
SHELLY Hi. I’m – super model, Heidi Clump.
DIANE I think I’ve heard of you. But,
. tell, me, who’s your friend over there
. with the spectacular jewelry?
. (DIANE motions toward CAMERON)
SHELLY Why, that’s Tyra Pranks.
. She’s the most successful out of the bunch.
DIANE Where would she get her jewelry?
SHELLY Where WOULDN’T she get her jewelry?
. Famous designers from around the world
. are always giving us stuff.
(While studying CAMERON, DIANE returns to the VIP table.
Now SAMUEL breaks away and shyly approaches APRIL.)
SAMUEL Excuse me, but I’m very curious about
. your friend over there. Do you know?
. Is she – seeing anyone?
. (SAMUEL motions toward SHELLY)
APRIL Oh, no. Why, in fact, Heidi Clump
. just broke up with her boyfriend.
. It’s very sad. She’s been very lonely,
. and she’s very vulnerable.
SAMUEL Heidi – Clump – you said? 25
APRIL Yes. The very sad, lonely, vulnerable
. but super cute super model Heidi Clump.
APRIL No problem. (cryptically)
. I have all kinds of information.
SAMUEL O- kay. Thanks again.
(APRIL pulls out some gum to chew as SAMUEL returns
to the VIP table. GLORIA now breaks away and
GLORIA Have I ever seen you ladies before?
CAMERON Not a chance. Us super models rarely
. hang out in places like these
. more than once. Except maybe for her –
. (motions to APRIL) she’s more mysterious
. than most of us.
GLORIA She seems mysterious.
(APRIL chews gum while staring off into space.)
CAMERON She is. She’s very mysterious.
. Who KNOWS what she all knows...
. And for some reason,
. keeps that purse very close to her side.
GLORIA What do you think is in her purse?
CAMERON If I knew, it would not be so mysterious,
. now would it?
GLORIA I suppose. But, as you seem to be friends,
. you must have some sort of idea.
CAMERON She’s the only one who may have been
. to this town before. Says she has
. some kind of unfinished business.
GLORIA Really. Well, my husband is in the
. business of business. Maybe he can help her
. finish it. I’ll let him know there
. may be a potential client. Are you
. interested in doing business, as well?
CAMERON I only invest in jewelry – as you can see.
GLORIA If you change your mind,
. here’s our contact information.
. (hands a business card to CAMERON)
CAMERON Thank you. Well, I should really go –
. powder my nose - now.
(Motioning with her head, CAMERON says this loud enough
for SHELLY and APRIL to hear this. The DETECTIVES go
to the side to huddle, pulling out compacts and
each slowly dabbing powder at their faces as they talk.)
CAMERON How are things going? Anything yet?
SHELLY Nothing. But I think we have laid the bait.
APRIL Now we’re bait? First we were decoys?
. Make up your minds. I have to be able
. to stay in character.
CAMERON Okay. Let’s spread out again, but
. not too far in case anyone needs help.
(DETECTIVES go back to their individual spots,
maybe grabbing a drink from a waiter walking by.
VIPs all steal glances at the DETECTIVES
who might have what they’re interested in.
BROOK watches closely as SAMUEL approaches the sad,
vulnerable SHELLY and holds out a handkerchief to her.)
SAMUEL Hi. Ah, here – if you need to dry
. any tears.
SHELLY Oh, thank you.
(SHELLY wonders then dabs her eyes a bit.)
SAMUEL I met your friend earlier. She said
. that you just broke up with your boyfriend.
SHELLY I did.
SAMUEL So did I. I mean, I just broke up
. with my girlfriend.
SHELLY You did? 27
SAMUEL I mean, my girlfriend suddenly – died.
SHELLY That’s terrible. How did it happen?
SAMUEL No idea.
SHELLY Were things going that badly?
. I mean, I understand how things can go.
SAMUEL It wasn’t going that great,
. but it wasn’t THAT terrible.
SHELLY Then why’d you break up?
SAMUEL She was choosing a career over me.
SHELLY That must have hurt.
SAMUEL It did.
(SAMUEL reaches over and takes the handkerchief away
from SHELLY to dab his eyes.)
SHELLY Are you okay?
SAMUEL No. I thought maybe I was ready to move on,
. but I’m not. This just happened.
SHELLY No problem. I get that.
SAMUEL But, here’s my number. You can
. give me a call – in like – let’s say -
. one or two... years.
(SAMUEL gives SHELLY a business card and goes back to
the VIP table. BROOK still leers at them, but now puts
her focus intently on SHELLY. DIANE breaks away from
the VIPs and approaches CAMERON with a casual smile.)
DIANE Hi, I’m Diane Prospect.
. I simply love your earrings!
. Might I ask who the designer is?
CAMERON I only have jewelry by famous designers.
. In fact, I have so much jewelry,
. I cannot remember or keep track of them all.
. Somewhere I have a list. I think.
DIANE A serious collector would remember 28
. all of that.
CAMERON Well, I’m not technically a collector.
. It’s not like I go out and look for it.
. I just happen to be a magnet for things like
. nice jewelry. It just falls at my feet.
DIANE How lovely for you. It must be nice to be so
burdened with the weight of so many gems.
CAMERON Yes, I’m very burdened and weighed down.
. I have so much bling I don’t know what to do
. with it all – except wear it, of course.
DIANE You know. I could help you -
. lighten the load. I would be extremely
. interested in buying some of your jewelry.
. Is there any quiet place we could meet?
CAMERON Except, I don’t want to sell any of my jewelry.
DIANE You just said that you had too much,
. and did not know what to do with it all-
CAMERON But – it’s still all mine.
DIANE Of course. Well, at the very least,
. do you think I can just... see it?
CAMERON You want to touch my jewelry?
DIANE Just study the gems and the cuts close up.
. And FEEL the weight-
CAMERON Did you want to FEEL some pain?
DIANE What? No.
CAMERON Because I will take you down.
DIANE Shhhh. I just wanted a closer look, is all.
CAMERON Just - step away from me.
(SHELLY nods for DETECTIVES to huddle off to the side.
DIANE retreats to the VIP table.)
APRIL Are you all right?
(CAMERON tries to ignore the fact that APRIL 29
is really going to town on her chewing gum.)
CAMERON She really wanted to get her hands
. on my jewelry. AND she wanted to meet me
. somewhere quiet. April, I can
. hear you chewing. Get rid of the gum.
(APRIL puts the gum into a wrapper and into her purse.)
CAMERON (to SHELLY) What did Samuel want with you?
SHELLY He’s interested in dating me.
APRIL He sure got over Salamander Cary
. real fast, didn’t he?
SHELLY Then he started to cry
. and said it was too soon.
CAMERON Maybe he feels guilty about something!
SHELLY We better get back out there again.
(DETECTIVES return to their spots and wait. Finally,
BROOK steps away from the VIP table, and angrily
heads straight for SHELLY.)
BROOK Stay away from Samuel!
SHELLY Why should I?
BROOK Because I said so!
SHELLY Except he approached me-
BROOK Look - I love him!
SHELLY Do you threaten all his girlfriends like this?
BROOK So you ARE his new girlfriend?!
BROOK (suddenly breaks down and becomes distraught)
. Why does this keep happening?
. Why doesn’t Samuel know that I love him?
. Why doesn’t he know that I’m here and-
. alive? It’s like I don’t even exist.
. What should I do?
SHELLY So, Samuel doesn’t know you’re interested?
BROOK Of course not! A girl has to play
SHELLY Well, there’s that. But –
. how hard-to-get are you playing it?
BROOK I pretend that I detest him.
BROOK That sometimes works. Have not you ever
. noticed that the guys who you do NOT like –
. are the guys who want to go out with you?
SHELLY I guess there’s some truth to that.
. But- then there are those guys who are-
. very oblivious. They cannot take a hint
. either way. Look,
. sometimes a girl just has to be direct.
BROOK That would be unacceptable.
SHELLY You could – just say something like –
. “Hey, I’d like to get to know you better.
. I would not object to you asking me out
. on a date.”
BROOK A girl should NOT ask a guy out on a date!
. I’m not desperate. Except I am!
. But I don’t want anyone to know that.
SHELLY Anyway, you would not be asking him.
. You would just be letting him know that
. you would be okay with HIM asking YOU.
. See what I mean? Also,
. what if all this time, he actually
. wanted to ask you out on a date,
. but he was just too afraid?
. He should at least know that he does not
. have to be afraid. Unless you’re stalking him
. and doing things to scare the poor guy...
BROOK I do not like you very much! I mean,
. I would like you, if things were different.
. But Samuel likes you, so then –
. there’s no way I can ever like you.
(BROOK storms back to the VIP table. 31
SHELLY walks past CAMERON and APRIL and motions
with her head for them to join her in another huddle.)
SHELLY Well, that was interesting. I really should
. be posing as a relationship counselor rather
. than a damsel in distress. She’s vulnerable.
. But, she’s definitely in love – or thinks
. she’s in love. Like, desperately helpless.
APRIL Maybe she is only in love
. with the thought of being in love
. with those who would be hopeless to love
. because they only ever love other people,
. which would give her the love
. of hopeless, helpless desperate love.
(SHELLY and CAMERON are silent and still. Finally...)
CAMERON April, in order to be more mysterious,
. I think, whenever you feel like talking,
. you need to chew some gum. Mysteriously.
. Chew your gum mysteriously.
(DETECTIVES return to their tables. Trying to
look mysterious, APRIL takes out some gum to chew.
BENJAMIN slips away and steps up to APRIL.)
BENJAMIN So what do you know?
(APRIL begins to play with her gum.)
BENJAMIN Do you have some information for me?
(APRIL squints at BENJAMIN as she slowly chews her gum.)
BENJAMIN Do you have information ABOUT me?
(APRIL purposefully swings her purse to the other side
of her body, away from BENJAMIN.)
BENJAMIN What do you have in your purse?
(APRIL sighs and looks up at the ceiling.)
BENJAMIN Okay, spill it! What do you know?
APRIL It’s for me to know, and you
. to NOT find out.
BENJAMIN I have to know what’s in your purse. 32
(APRIL looks worried and chews her gum frantically,
eyes wide with concern. GLORIA sneaks up behind APRIL
and pulls her purse away to look inside.
BENJAMIN goes around the table to help.)
GLORIA Ew! There’s a lot of gum here! Are you
. hiding the information under all this gum?
. ‘Cause, that’s something I would probably do.
. I mean – there is a LOT of gum.
BENJAMIN And – a detective badge. Hey!
. These super models are those detectives
. who were just questioning us!
(SHELLY and CAMERON come to the rescue.
BENJAMIN and GLORIA both raise their arms.
GLORIA hugs her own purse very tightly.)
CAMERON Okay, freeze! Stop it right there.
APRIL I think it’s only fair to go through
. YOUR purse, now.
BENJAMIN I doubt you have a search warrant!
APRIL What are you hiding, besides the fact
. that you are going bankrupt.
. Did Sorry McMary know about this?
. Did you kill her before she exposed you?
BENJAMIN (to GLORIA) Do not say one word!
APRIL Or was it just the fact that she thought
. you were the world’s worst investor ever-
(BENJAMIN reaches out his hands to get APRIL’S neck,
but CAMERON and SHELLY hold him back.
DIANE approaches and shakes her head at CAMERON.)
DIANE So have I been duped? Am I to understand
. that your jewels are fake?
CAMERON We just had to see to what extent
. you would go to get your hands
. on expensive jewelry.
DIANE I would have found out eventually.
. I’m never wrong. Never! I know my jewels!
CAMERON What is it about them that is so alluring?
. I’ve never quite understood that.
. It’s just metals and rocks.
DIANE No-no-no. They sparkle. They’re pretty.
. Please, give me someone to talk to
. who understands this.
CAMERON So we can look inside YOUR purse?
DIANE (clutching her purse tightly)
. Do not even think about looking inside
. another woman’s purse. It is sacred.
. Every woman knows that.
(SAMUEL looking at SHELLY.)
SAMUEL So you were leading me on just a moment ago.
SHELLY Now, wait a minute. YOU approached ME.
SAMUEL No. I approached a super model.
SHELLY You were only interested in me when
. you thought I was rich and famous?
BROOK I’m not famous! But I am rich!
. What about me? What is wrong with me?
SAMUEL I didn’t think you liked me.
TONYA EVERYBODY knows that Brook likes you!
SAMUEL See, for some reason, I did not get that.
BROOK I was playing hard-to-get!
SAMUEL You could have told me.
. Given me some sort of clue.
BROOK Oh, I’ll give you a clue. Here,
. I will announce it to the world.
(BROOK starts for the podium, but TONYA cuts her off
in basketball defense mode.)
TONYA No one uses my podium!
. That’s my territory! It is mine! And -
. I have an announcement of my own to make.
(BROOK backs off with “whoa-okay” hands. VIPS and
DETECTIVES give TONYA space as she steps up to podium.)
TONYA Ladies and gentleman. It is now
. time for dessert, after which,
. we will collect your donations –
. which will go towards purchasing
. a specialized leg brace and providing
. the very best doctor’s care to benefit
. the clubhouse’s beloved racehorse
. also fondly known as Skipper.
. Such an unfortunate tragedy!
CAMERON What about the tragedy of Clary Smary?
APRIL Yeah, I think that’s way more tragic
. than a horse’s injured leg.
. Although, how tragic for poor,
. injured Skippy.
(SHELLY tries to approach the podium, but TONYA guards it
tenaciously, so with a curious expression, SHELLY steps
to the side to center stage to address the guests.)
SHELLY Yes. So after dessert, we will continue
. with our investigative efforts. And I think
. it’ll be time to question all of you
. out there. You may have witnessed something,
. or have some suspicions, or ideas
. of what we can do to solve this case.
CAMERON And if any one of you has any real
. experience, with - like - watching TV shows
. or reading books on the subject of
. criminal scene investigations - and would
. like to examine the one and only piece
. of evidence, you can come and have a look
. for yourself – right over here.
. (pulls out vial in the plastic bag and
. placing it purposefully onto table 2)
APRIL Enjoy your dessert, everyone.
. And if anyone doesn’t feel like eating
. theirs, you can give it to me-
SHELLY No. Do not give your desserts to April.
. Thank you.
. DESSERT 35
(Begin serving dessert to guests. ACTORS remain out
so guests can ask them questions and look around.
TONYA continues to guard her podium, pretending to work.
If someone suggests to DETECTIVES to check out the podium
or purses, etc. thank them for their suggestion/s,
write it down and let them know that you will do so
after dessert. At some point, CAMERON should leave for
a little while and then return with a piece of paper.)
. ACT 3
. CENTER STAGE
(I've decided not to give away the ending.
I would not want to ruin the mystery for anyone.
You will get the entire script when you purchase it...
and have tons of fun figuring out who dun-it. :D )